Long before Kambakkht Ishq roped in a bunch of fading Hollywood actors to make a giant popcorn movie set in exotic phoren, Krishna Shah made Shalimar, teaching the world that synergy was the wave of the future. So how does the pretender fare against the original?
The Babe
Kambakkht Ishq: Kareena Kapoor in itsy bitsy glitz.
Shalimar: Zeenat Aman in drapey bits.
Winner: Zeenie baby was born to win… but not after pissing off both her make-up artist and the lighting director. Sorry, but Kambakkht Ishq takes this one. Just imagine Kareena with the mute button on and it’ll go down much easier.
The Hunk
Kambakkht Ishq: Akshay Kumar as a dickhead stuntman reveling in capitalist glory.
Shalimar: Dharmendra as an emo thief with socialist tendencies.
Winner: I considered giving it to Akshay but I was afraid Dharmendra would cry. Mera pyaar Shalimar!
Local Color
Kambakkht Ishq: Sylvester Stallone saving the honor of distressed damsels in alleys across L.A.
Shalimar: Rex Harrison in a wheelchair, speaking Hindi, having a fine old time.
Winner: I think My Fair Lady has already proven that Professor ‘Enry ‘Iggins is not a man who can lose. Shalimar!
The Violence
Kambakkht Ishq: Akshay and Kareena just can’t help beating up on each other. Because they’re toddlers and never learned to use their words. Other than the cussing ones, that is.
Shalimar: Dharmendra doesn’t enjoy it but he crushes Zeenat’s skull.
Winner: Kambakkht Ishq. Coz I don’t think I’d survive Dharmendra TLC – even if it was for my own good. Ow.
The Job
Kambakkht Ishq: Stuntman who lives like hip hop star (it could happen!); struggling medical student who moonlights as supermodel.
Shalimar: Petty thief who manages a gambling den-cum-dance studio (it could happen!); ex-girlfriend who works as home nurse for much better thief.
Winner: It’s a tough call because it’s not every gambling den-cum-dance studio that gives you a chance to feel up Premnath’s boobies, but I think I have to call it for Kambakkht Ishq.
The MacGuffin
Kambakkht Ishq: A tacky little watch that plays shlokas with career ending repercussions.
Shalimar: A ginormous tacky ruby worth gazillions.
Winner: What is that you say? “A Priceless Stone. An Exotic Land. Danger at Every Turn.”? And it’s mine for the taking? Sold! Shalimar it is!
Black People
Kambakkht Ishq: A BBW who fingers Akshar Kumar a great deal more thoroughly and with more enthusiasm than Twinkle Khanna ever displayed while exposing his unmentionables.
Shalimar: Are actually tribals “saved” by Rex Harrison… to become his slaves? Defense mechanism? They like to march in the middle of the night through the forest coz that’s what they do, baby. Say it with me – Oo la lala hoo! Oo la lala hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Winner: Oo la lala hoo! Shalimar wins by sheer numbers! Hoo! Hoo!
Cheater, Cheater HooHoo Eater
Kambakkht Ishq: Confirmed bachelor Akshay is so shaken by his first ever proposal and its subsequent rejection, he immediately proposes to the next woman he meets – Denise Richards with ovaries full of “golden babies”.
Shalimar: Zeenat and Dharmendra are each other’s One True Love. So naturally, the next time she sees him, he’s lying on top of some random white lady. Zing!
Winner: Shalimar! You don’t win things on this blog by marrying Denise Richards, mister!
The Sidekicks
Kambakkht Ishq: A whiny Amrita Arora who gets farted on; a toothy Aftab Shivdasani who feels a man who doesn’t rape you is a man you should marry; a hysterical Boman Irani, clearly a man without fear after acting in Love Story 2050; and Vindu Dara Singh trying to act his way off the screen. Too late, pal! We saw what you did!
Shalimar: John Saxon as the mute Colombus; Sylvia Miles walking the highwire; O.P. Ralhan a.k.a. Romeo, for reasons we’re grateful are never explained; Aruna Irani teaching sketchy people to Cha Cha Cha; and of course! Shammi Kapoor as Santa Claus Dr. Bukhari!
Winner: I admit, I’m not without bias here. For a long time, I thought Shammi was called Dr. Bukhari because a doctor named Dr. Fever was exactly the kind of cleverness this movie would go for. I’ve since revised my opinion but I think the mere fact that this movie would provoke those sort of ideas means Shalimar is the clear winner here.
The Good Guy
Kambakkht Ishq: We know Akshay’s a good guy coz he didn’t rape Kareena when she was unconscious – even if she was totally asking for it, dude!
Shalimar: We know Dharmendra’s a good guy coz he didn’t cheat on Zeenat and knocked her out when she needed it.
Winner: Ugh.
The Verdict
Shalimar! Shalimar! Shalimar forever! Hoo! Hoo!
PS – for those of you who wanted a review of Kambakkht Ishq, here’s mine: Barf.
INDIEQUILL 
dipali
July 5, 2009 at 2:49 pm
kambakkht ishq tops my list of terrible movies I’ve seen recently!
Truly awful:(
sachita
July 5, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Any time you let Kareena win, I will do a Dharmendra act, i hate kareena that much.
Have never watched Shalimar and dont plan to watch Kambakkht ishq. So the winner is me:)
Ps: do you reviews of these movies somewhere? is that why you watch them?:)
Kay vs. De Beers?
July 5, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Flipping a coin in favor of the less flippant has never been this much fun! Can I say that you’re simply, well, Flahoolick?! 😀
pitu
July 5, 2009 at 9:09 pm
*puts on mummy hat*
My darling, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. You survived both these pieces of shit, therefore, you are stronger, powerful-er and amazing-er! As for the barfing, not to worry, barf now, binge later. Bebo-ish kamariya ka yahi to raaz hai! Hoo Hoo!
Kaushik
July 5, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Barf!
Most appropriate review for the movie!!!
Gradwolf
July 6, 2009 at 3:41 am
Same question as sachita. Do you review these somewhere or are you genuinely interested in crap like maxdavinci?
Btw, it is a remake of Kamal Haasan’s Pammal K Sambandham. Do you understand Tamil?(I always had a feeling you might :P) If you do, get the DVD/download and watch it. I’d watch it a million times for the dialogues and Kamal’s accent+timing.
le embrouille blogueur
July 6, 2009 at 10:10 am
Shalimar it is …. thanks for the very objective review …lol !!!
maxdavinci
July 6, 2009 at 10:50 am
u n me have a connection! it’s like we were holding onto ticket stubs of BigB’s Mard and were separated in the local village talkie, as ppl went berserk the moment they heard the immortal words ‘mardko dard nahin hota’…
but wait, didn’t shalimar have the ‘Hum bewafa’ song? Then sab kuch maaf, there is no comparison what so ever!
pitu
July 6, 2009 at 10:58 am
max: Until I finally figured out ‘Hum bewafa’ was from Shalimar and it has scores of tribals, I never understood WHY ON EARTH someone would ruin a fab song with the most hideous chorus- that ooh la la laa hoo shit. Meh.
memsaab
July 6, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Dharam + Shammi + John Saxon naturally trumps Akshay + Rambo every time.
Amey
July 6, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Oh man, “Raiders of the Sacred Stone” sounds so much better(?) than Shalimar. So, this is the one with “Mera pyaar shalimar”, eh? I have seen/heard many versions of that song, but haven’t seen the original. Do they have aboriginals dancing in the original?
Amrita
July 6, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Dipali – too true 😦
KvsDB – this movie is like that: it’s the flahoolick product of Akshay Kumar’s unmentionable orifice. Ahem.
Pitu – it’s like a modern day walk through fire for aaj ki Sita. I feel like I’m owed a prize.
Sachita / Adithya – no. I’m just a garden variety masochist I’m afraid. I have seen Pammal K Sambandham and thought it infinitely better. But then not-farting in people’s faces is always a win for me.
Kaushik / l.e.b – says it all really!
Max – kab ke bichde hue hum aaj mile!
Memsaab – hell yeah. Even their disasters are ten times more disaster-y 😀
Amey – it’s the one time when they DON”T have the tribals dancing. They don’t seem to have one on YT but here’s what you’ll see in it:
M
July 7, 2009 at 9:39 am
True heroism Amrita! The things you do for a good blog post!
Someone I know decided to watch this – she’s seen PKS, but she doesn’t speak Tamil, so much of the humor of PKS was lost on her – she figured a Hindi remake would be fine, and she actually *likes* Akki and Kareena (shudder….but she’s sensible otherwise :-D) – I think she’s still in shock 🙂
But Aajtak seems to be claiming this movie is a hit..is it?
M
Amrita
July 7, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I should get my own show on MTV like those Jackass boys! 😀
I have no idea if this movie is a hit or not. I’d imagine the theaters were full on the first day or so because let’s face it – first big movie opening after the strike? it’s the only reason I went. I had Bollywood withdrawals. but this… you know a movie is bad when you walk out thinking, “Man, maybe I was too hard on Tashan”.
deewane
July 8, 2009 at 2:19 am
I have no clue how you could sit thru the disaster (talking about KI, well that’s obvious when I use the word disaster, anything 70’s is retro-fab :P). The review was enough for me to put it on my list of ‘never to watch’ movies! (But I am glad that you did though even if the only good that came of it was this blog-post :D)
Beth
July 8, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Oooh. Maybe I’m glad I missed the one local showing of KI last weekend. That whole “he’s great because he didn’t rape her while she was unconscious” thing was also tried recently by Seth Rogan (who added the insult of the woman being into it), and all that discussion made me want to vomit (didn’t see the film). Why, filmmakers, why?
Ramsu
July 9, 2009 at 12:11 am
You don’t win things on this blog by marrying Denise Richards.
Someday, you’re gonna do a comparison of Being John Malkovich and, I don’t know, maybe Shakti – The Power. And when you get to the cameo section and find that your contenders are Aishwarya Rai and Charlie Sheen, that line is gonna come back and haunt you.
~r
ps: Awesome post, though! You gotta do more. With the multiplex strike, there’s a whole bunch of bad movies backed up in the queue waiting to be unleashed on an unsuspecting public.
pps: Did John Saxon do anything of note other than this one and Enter the Dragon?
Amrita
July 9, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Deewane – I have no clue either 😀 I think it gave me an ulcer is how bad it was.
Beth – you SHOULD be glad you missed it. If No Entry and Tashan had a child struck with the deadly Bollywood sex comedy disease, then KI would be it.
Ramsu – Nightmare on Elm St! He did that one. Plus, I think he’s one of those working actor people, they don’t really headline or have big careers but they keep getting steady work on TV if not the movies, y’know?
As for doing more of these – why oh why do you hate me so? 😦
Rajaji
September 5, 2009 at 2:02 am
i think u r fun & wil be fun to be around lady. ur pic id caaought my eyes. About movies – shalimaar was way better then KI. bye lady Amritaji. u r cutie.
Rahul Sharma
July 17, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Thanks a tonne for the barf-ey review!
Rajaji
September 5, 2009 at 1:59 am
I would go for Shalimaar – is a wonderful movie & songs are great. kambakth isqh is way behind.
oh – Amrita ji -me like ur pic id – it is cute. i mean u r.