Kangana Once Upon a Time

The best part of Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai is that it brings us Kangana Ranaut interviews. This is a commodity we need more of because someday girl will realize the meaning of the words coming out of her mouth and then we will all be sad as we watch her turn into your average mealy-mouthed successful starlet.

The process has already begun (in the pages of my favoritest tabloid, no less!) as you can see:

I am in Mumbai because here I have freedom. If I have to be told what to do I would rather live in Manali, with its social pressures… Trust me I am exercising my freedom but because I am surrounded only by married guys, I don’t get a chance to go on dates. Freedom is not about walking into a club and saying hey, I’m single. I always say that I am late by 10 years in the industry because all our best heroes, directors and producers who I deal with daily are married and have children.

Hmmm! I’m going to give that an A for effort. The effort at completely forgetting her much-reported relationship with the very skeevy Aditya Panscholi, incidentally married to the mother of his children for many years. He is now a “genuine friend” with whom she shared a  bond that “can’t be given names and explained.” Mostly because those names and explanations are likely to be rather unpleasant, I suspect.

Reassuring glimpses of the real Kangana are still visible, though! As when discussing God’s plan for her:

During Gangster itself I realised that I am exceptionally talented. So now I don’t underestimate myself…I know that if Gangster had flopped, then, despite my performance, I would have never been given another chance. But I am God’s favoured child so no one can do anything about it. I have a success percentage of 99 per cent which sometimes surprises me too.

Kangana Ranaut, ladies and gentlemen. All self-deprecating lady people kindly take notes. There will be a quiz when you apply for your next job. Even more impressively, this is not an attitude fueled by success – long, long ago, when the short-sighted officials of an unnamed beauty pageant kicked her out for unspecified reasons, she “thought ‘These people are stupid.’ And that’s how I feel today.”

She also knows how to take care of what’s important:

I totally ignore people who are negative. When I am low and my father tries to be supportive and says, “You don’t need to do this. Why are you crying and feeling bad? Don’t forget we have a beautiful house, we can go back to it” I am like, “Can you please go from here?”

You know, I totally want to try that with my father the next time I’m low and he tries to be nice to me but I’m afraid I’m completely spoiled and I don’t think I’d like to be disinherited and kicked out of my family home. So pass!

 

Agony Aunt for a Day

Well, this shouldn’t get me blocked or relentlessly spammed or anything.

If any of you are reading this on a public computer or in front of eagle-eyed colleagues or nosy children and are sensitive about written words, you might want to come back to it at a later date. Fair warning.

You see… I have found a previously unexplored, terrific corner of my favoritest rag ever: The Mumbai Mirror. A tabloid so awful, they give Ekta Mata a run for her money (so fabulous, I actually cared about the IPL for the quick minute it took me to read that!). Home to journalism so scurrilously yellow, they provoked a Bachchan blackout (never mind, ToI, you can read his blog instead). Joy!

So what is this new section of the newspaper? The Sexpert, of course! They say every publication finds the readers it deserves (note: I don’t think they say that, whoever ‘they’ might be), and going by the letters The Sexpert has the, um, honor to answer, The Mumbai Mirror is certainly a strong case in point.

Now The Sexpert probably knows what he’s doing – it certainly sounds like it. But that doesn’t mean, I can’t butt in and offer some plain speaking, does it? Welcome to the internet. Here’s The Sexpert Alternative at work for you:

I am a 20-year-old man. I want to know the importance of pubic hair. I have lots of pubic hair all over my body and I want to remove them temporarily. How will it affect my body if I remove all the pubic hair?

Awww, I’m sure the girlfriend didn’t mean it when she said you were a giant dick. As for the importance of it – well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but if you take it off, you’ll fall apart. Pubic hair acts like duct tape for your skin. Truth.

I am 37 years old. For one-and-a-half months, I have noticed that my foreskin does not pull back due to dryness. I have also noticed a white-ish-cream layer below the foreskin, which is dry. When I pull back the foreskin, I feel extreme pain and cracks appear on the ring. They hurt when I bathe. I find it difficult to have sex. What medicine should I apply?

Dude! Your peepee has been broken for a month and a half and your solution is to write letters to the paper? When you go to the hospital, ask them for a psych consult.

I am 50 years old and my partner is 58. We are on the foreplay level, but recently, by accident I inserted my penis briefly into her vagina. I experienced a mild burning sensation for one day, all over the penis. Could this be because she is diabetic?

“By accident”? Are you 15 or 50? And what do you mean, is it because she’s diabetic? Like a sugar burn? Look up STD, definition of. And invest in condoms.

I am 34 years old and have been married for nine years. Even though I am slim and attractive, my husband does not prioritise our sex life. Right from the beginning of the marriage, we’ve been doing it only once every two or three months. Then too, it’s very routine. He has never performed oral sex on me or masturbated me with his fingers, etc. Do we need to see a marriage counsellor or a sex therapist I don’t want to cause him discomfort.

Darling. He’s gay.