Mark Sanford is a Great Teacher

06 Jul

Mark Sanford cheated on his wife and thus lost his deal at a conservative publishing press for a book about the many joys of family values and straight talk.

But there’s another book that Sanford can write! For men planning to go walkabout on their significant others. He can call it, The One Hundred and One Ways to Fuck Yourself – And How to Avoid It.

He could start off with his actions of the past week. For example, when you’ve been outed as a cheater, do not:

5. Mention that your lover is your soulmate. This is such a dick move, I still can’t believe he did it. I mean, cheating is bad enough but this? You would have to absolutely loathe your spouse to say such a thing in front of the whole world, knowing your kids might be looking it up.

Alternatively, he might have felt this made him look less like an adulterer and more like a tragic hero unable to ignore the siren call of true love. Um, no. It makes you look like an asshole, asshole. An asshole who’s not just screwing over his wife, but his lover too.

4. Say you’re “trying to fall back in love”. Awww! Doesn’t your itty bitty heart melt just listening to your husband of 20 years say that? What a thoughtful thing to say.

For a brain dead lunatic.

3. Excuse yourself on religious grounds. It’s one thing to have grandiose ideas about yourself. But for a man with four sons,  King David isn’t exactly the best example for a father figure, no? Of course, you’re headed in the right direction if you want your kids to hate you.

Besides, Jon Stewart called dibs.

2. Suggest your wife sit down with your lover. What a lovely idea. Just promise you’ll clean up the blood and brain matter after the violence comes to an end.

Oh wait, that’s right. You wouldn’t be able to – on account of being very, very dead.

1. Keep Talking. Seriously. Shut up already. You want to confess? Find a shrink, a priest, a best friend – just stop dribbling out the sordid details in ways that she’ll find out. Or even worse, your kids will have to hear.If you really want them to know, then sit them down and come clean or write them a letter.

Granted, not all of us have reporters from national dailies calling to find out the dirty details of our marital status – but washing your dirty laundry in the community swimming pool isn’t a good idea for anyone. Whether you’re giving interviews to the AP or talking about it at the barbecue, you’re not doing any one favors. However entertaining some of us might find it.


Posted by on July 6, 2009 in News, Newsmakers, Politics, Video


10 responses to “Mark Sanford is a Great Teacher

  1. Gaurav

    July 6, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Yeah, he just does not seem to stop talking to press or even planning to do so. Every time press moves to something else, he would bring the attention back on him by saying something really stupid….To me, he seems like that weird old man at the summer camp who would catch every other passer by and start, “Listen I have a story..I cheated om my wife with my true love…decided not to resign…gifted my true love blah blah blah…world started throwing stones at us…we drowned in a river together….” 🙂

  2. sachita

    July 6, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    yeah.. someday he has to explain why he is being so stupid or if he is really that stupid how did he get this far in politics?

    His wife, on the other hand had the right thing to say to the press.

  3. Gradwolf

    July 7, 2009 at 3:25 am

    Whenever I read the headlines I get confused between the cases of Mark Sanford and Alan S(t)anford. 😐


    Listen to Kaminey OST. Like. Right. Now.

  4. Amey

    July 7, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Seriously, what exactly is it going to take for him to let the news to die down? I am praying for his PR officer’s sanity. Alternatively, I am praying to land a job as his PR officer’s psychiatrist 😉

  5. Naren

    July 7, 2009 at 9:54 am

    Big Omnibus Comment – Just back from a long separation from the internet. I had a crawling connection for a while which would make your average Hindi film script writers thought processes seem like V.Anand’s, a circumstance that seriously detered web-based activity. And caught up with all the stuff that you’ve written. Loved every word.

  6. Show and Tell (All!)

    July 7, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Say what? Sanford is simply jealous the (alleged) Bobby-Jackie love affair is currently on the NYT best-sellers list (not to mention yet another Miller biography, with its Monroe mainstay) and he’s too hot-and-heavy to wait till he’s dead, to get on it. (That his family — not to mention his “soulmate” — is dying of embarrassment already, from all his antics to achieve that end, is a minor point selfish Mr. Pea Brain (as you rightly observe) is understandably blind to, given his grand delusion that the parachute-of-fame will furl open any second, ensuring his safe landing (on that list)! Ditto for the fact that his so-called catharsis-in-the-name-of-press-conference is sure to diminish his already slim chances of getting on that coveted list in the first place; I mean what kind of a butthead pays $30 (in this economy) for a hard-cover book, when all the juicily amorous details of adultery are available practically for free, courtesy the front page of your “family friendly” paper — yes, the one that strongly believes it’s public service of the highest order to push aside “actual” news in favor of flamboyant fessing up by a fucked-up politician…one who boldly does what no comrade of his has done before — blow his own whistle! (Apparently, according to Sanford’s religion, there’s only one deadly sin: Discretion.)

    To me, the whole thing feels like a sexualized version of Obama’s recent “relationships renewing” World Tour, whose sole agenda was to boost the Superbrat-among-nation’s image by lowering his own — falling at everyone’s feet (figuratively speaking) and seeking forgiveness for America’s role in everything from the Bubonic Plague to the Tsunami! Does make one wonder, just like you do, where the hell is Sanford going with his “Forgive Me”. Does he think he’s a messiah on a mission to sanctify adultery, seeking to obliterate the bad rap it’s had all along by spilling more beans than anyone has the time or inclination to scoop up by the bucketfuls? (And how exactly that works, only Dr. Dipshit himself knows!)

    Seriously, one of the things this whole fiasco brings to mind is that 70s song, “Everybody Plays the Fool.” If “everybody plays the fool sometime,” the politician plays the fool ALL the time, simply because he takes the line “use your heart just like a tool” to literally mean “pretend your heart’s a jackhammer” and uses it to smash his pea brain to pulp!

    P.S: On the lighter side, Sanford has only to get on the blogosphere to realize this whole “soulmate” thing is so last century, don’t you think? I mean, till yesterday, I thought I was your “one true” and then along comes max of “Mard”-movie-ticket-fame and says “move over” (sniff, sniff)… Jeez, it’s an orgy of souls out here! 😀

  7. Amrita

    July 7, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    Gaurav – at this point I’m more outraged about his talking than about his hypocritical affair. So if that was the goal: mission accomplished!

    Sachita – turns out his wife was his campaign manager and closest advisor. Hahahahahah! This is called up shit creek without a paddle.

    Adithya – yes, they;re both dickheads. And HELL YEAH to Kaminey! My God, it made up for a sucky week.

    Amey – lolz! def. the shrink!

    Naren – welcome back! The net is happier place!

    SaT(A) – no no, you’re clearly my one true wuv! Max and I are twins! That would be incestuous!
    Re: the Jackie-Bobby affair: there’s a part of me that wants to call it bullshit because it’s such an obvious thing isn’t it? I mean, there’s not a single version of their story that doesn’t make you think for a moment, “Hmmmm?” But it’s so obvious, I feel it can’t possibly be true. Besides all the anecdotes seem straight out of high school: “You know whaaaaaaaaaat? I saw them sitting side by side one day and they didn’t say anythiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!”
    That said, if they did then it wouldn’t surprise me because that’s just how the Kennedys roll, and Mark Stanford or whoever else would do well to remember that they are the only ones who are exempt in that manner. Oh, and Bill Clinton too.

    • Show and Tell (All!)

      July 8, 2009 at 12:23 pm

      “Max and I are twins! That would be incestuous!” — What? They’re calling curling up in the cozy confines of the womb, coochie cooing and exchanging body fluids 24/7, incest? But worry not, as Philip Roth (that 1933-born Piscean of Portnoy’s Complaint fame) once said, writers inhabit a separate moral universe — so you’re off the bloody hook (as is Arthur Miller)! 😀

      • Amrita

        July 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm

        They’re calling curling up in the cozy confines of the womb, coochie cooing and exchanging body fluids 24/7, incest?

        That is possibly the creepiest, yet most awesome thing I’ve ever read about twinsies. 😀

        • Show and Tell (All!)

          July 9, 2009 at 7:39 pm

          Hello Ms. Will-Take-Soulmate’s-Pseudonym-Seriously,

          You’ve got to love it when you’ve inspired it, what say? Now, do I have a sure reader for when I give birth to, in book form, that oh-so-Freudian idea of someone relentlessly ravaged by her sweet incubus? (Story’s obviously set in that arboreal region rendered famous by some prince who was fond of impaling his enemies…)

          Just kiddin’ 😀

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