But there’s another book that Sanford can write! For men planning to go walkabout on their significant others. He can call it, The One Hundred and One Ways to Fuck Yourself – And How to Avoid It.
He could start off with his actions of the past week. For example, when you’ve been outed as a cheater, do not:
5. Mention that your lover is your soulmate. This is such a dick move, I still can’t believe he did it. I mean, cheating is bad enough but this? You would have to absolutely loathe your spouse to say such a thing in front of the whole world, knowing your kids might be looking it up.
Alternatively, he might have felt this made him look less like an adulterer and more like a tragic hero unable to ignore the siren call of true love. Um, no. It makes you look like an asshole, asshole. An asshole who’s not just screwing over his wife, but his lover too.
4. Say you’re “trying to fall back in love”. Awww! Doesn’t your itty bitty heart melt just listening to your husband of 20 years say that? What a thoughtful thing to say.
For a brain dead lunatic.
3. Excuse yourself on religious grounds. It’s one thing to have grandiose ideas about yourself. But for a man with four sons, King David isn’t exactly the best example for a father figure, no? Of course, you’re headed in the right direction if you want your kids to hate you.
Besides, Jon Stewart called dibs.
2. Suggest your wife sit down with your lover. What a lovely idea. Just promise you’ll clean up the blood and brain matter after the violence comes to an end.
Oh wait, that’s right. You wouldn’t be able to – on account of being very, very dead.
1. Keep Talking. Seriously. Shut up already. You want to confess? Find a shrink, a priest, a best friend – just stop dribbling out the sordid details in ways that she’ll find out. Or even worse, your kids will have to hear.If you really want them to know, then sit them down and come clean or write them a letter.
Granted, not all of us have reporters from national dailies calling to find out the dirty details of our marital status – but washing your dirty laundry in the community swimming pool isn’t a good idea for anyone. Whether you’re giving interviews to the AP or talking about it at the barbecue, you’re not doing any one favors. However entertaining some of us might find it.