Long before Kambakkht Ishq roped in a bunch of fading Hollywood actors to make a giant popcorn movie set in exotic phoren, Krishna Shah made Shalimar, teaching the world that synergy was the wave of the future. So how does the pretender fare against the original?
Kambakkht Ishq: Kareena Kapoor in itsy bitsy glitz.
Shalimar: Zeenat Aman in drapey bits.
Winner: Zeenie baby was born to win… but not after pissing off both her make-up artist and the lighting director. Sorry, but Kambakkht Ishq takes this one. Just imagine Kareena with the mute button on and it’ll go down much easier.
Kambakkht Ishq: Akshay Kumar as a dickhead stuntman reveling in capitalist glory.
Shalimar: Dharmendra as an emo thief with socialist tendencies.
Winner: I considered giving it to Akshay but I was afraid Dharmendra would cry. Mera pyaar Shalimar!
Kambakkht Ishq: Sylvester Stallone saving the honor of distressed damsels in alleys across L.A.
Shalimar: Rex Harrison in a wheelchair, speaking Hindi, having a fine old time.
Winner: I think My Fair Lady has already proven that Professor ‘Enry ‘Iggins is not a man who can lose. Shalimar!
Kambakkht Ishq: Akshay and Kareena just can’t help beating up on each other. Because they’re toddlers and never learned to use their words. Other than the cussing ones, that is.
Shalimar: Dharmendra doesn’t enjoy it but he crushes Zeenat’s skull.
Winner: Kambakkht Ishq. Coz I don’t think I’d survive Dharmendra TLC – even if it was for my own good. Ow.
Kambakkht Ishq: Stuntman who lives like hip hop star (it could happen!); struggling medical student who moonlights as supermodel.
Shalimar: Petty thief who manages a gambling den-cum-dance studio (it could happen!); ex-girlfriend who works as home nurse for much better thief.
Winner: It’s a tough call because it’s not every gambling den-cum-dance studio that gives you a chance to feel up Premnath’s boobies, but I think I have to call it for Kambakkht Ishq.
Kambakkht Ishq: A tacky little watch that plays shlokas with career ending repercussions.
Shalimar: A ginormous tacky ruby worth gazillions.
Winner: What is that you say? “A Priceless Stone. An Exotic Land. Danger at Every Turn.”? And it’s mine for the taking? Sold! Shalimar it is!
Kambakkht Ishq: A BBW who fingers Akshar Kumar a great deal more thoroughly and with more enthusiasm than Twinkle Khanna ever displayed while exposing his unmentionables.
Shalimar: Are actually tribals “saved” by Rex Harrison… to become his slaves? Defense mechanism? They like to march in the middle of the night through the forest coz that’s what they do, baby. Say it with me – Oo la lala hoo! Oo la lala hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Winner: Oo la lala hoo! Shalimar wins by sheer numbers! Hoo! Hoo!
Cheater, Cheater HooHoo Eater
Kambakkht Ishq: Confirmed bachelor Akshay is so shaken by his first ever proposal and its subsequent rejection, he immediately proposes to the next woman he meets – Denise Richards with ovaries full of “golden babies”.
Shalimar: Zeenat and Dharmendra are each other’s One True Love. So naturally, the next time she sees him, he’s lying on top of some random white lady. Zing!
Winner: Shalimar! You don’t win things on this blog by marrying Denise Richards, mister!
Kambakkht Ishq: A whiny Amrita Arora who gets farted on; a toothy Aftab Shivdasani who feels a man who doesn’t rape you is a man you should marry; a hysterical Boman Irani, clearly a man without fear after acting in Love Story 2050; and Vindu Dara Singh trying to act his way off the screen. Too late, pal! We saw what you did!
Shalimar: John Saxon as the mute Colombus; Sylvia Miles walking the highwire; O.P. Ralhan a.k.a. Romeo, for reasons we’re grateful are never explained; Aruna Irani teaching sketchy people to Cha Cha Cha; and of course! Shammi Kapoor as Santa Claus Dr. Bukhari!
Winner: I admit, I’m not without bias here. For a long time, I thought Shammi was called Dr. Bukhari because a doctor named Dr. Fever was exactly the kind of cleverness this movie would go for. I’ve since revised my opinion but I think the mere fact that this movie would provoke those sort of ideas means Shalimar is the clear winner here.
The Good Guy
Kambakkht Ishq: We know Akshay’s a good guy coz he didn’t rape Kareena when she was unconscious – even if she was totally asking for it, dude!
Shalimar: We know Dharmendra’s a good guy coz he didn’t cheat on Zeenat and knocked her out when she needed it.
Shalimar! Shalimar! Shalimar forever! Hoo! Hoo!
PS – for those of you who wanted a review of Kambakkht Ishq, here’s mine: Barf.