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Agony Aunt for a Day

24 Apr
Agony Aunt for a Day

Well, this shouldn’t get me blocked or relentlessly spammed or anything.

If any of you are reading this on a public computer or in front of eagle-eyed colleagues or nosy children and are sensitive about written words, you might want to come back to it at a later date. Fair warning.

You see… I have found a previously unexplored, terrific corner of my favoritest rag ever: The Mumbai Mirror. A tabloid so awful, they give Ekta Mata a run for her money (so fabulous, I actually cared about the IPL for the quick minute it took me to read that!). Home to journalism so scurrilously yellow, they provoked a Bachchan blackout (never mind, ToI, you can read his blog instead). Joy!

So what is this new section of the newspaper? The Sexpert, of course! They say every publication finds the readers it deserves (note: I don’t think they say that, whoever ‘they’ might be), and going by the letters The Sexpert has the, um, honor to answer, The Mumbai Mirror is certainly a strong case in point.

Now The Sexpert probably knows what he’s doing – it certainly sounds like it. But that doesn’t mean, I can’t butt in and offer some plain speaking, does it? Welcome to the internet. Here’s The Sexpert Alternative at work for you:

I am a 20-year-old man. I want to know the importance of pubic hair. I have lots of pubic hair all over my body and I want to remove them temporarily. How will it affect my body if I remove all the pubic hair?

Awww, I’m sure the girlfriend didn’t mean it when she said you were a giant dick. As for the importance of it – well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but if you take it off, you’ll fall apart. Pubic hair acts like duct tape for your skin. Truth.

I am 37 years old. For one-and-a-half months, I have noticed that my foreskin does not pull back due to dryness. I have also noticed a white-ish-cream layer below the foreskin, which is dry. When I pull back the foreskin, I feel extreme pain and cracks appear on the ring. They hurt when I bathe. I find it difficult to have sex. What medicine should I apply?

Dude! Your peepee has been broken for a month and a half and your solution is to write letters to the paper? When you go to the hospital, ask them for a psych consult.

I am 50 years old and my partner is 58. We are on the foreplay level, but recently, by accident I inserted my penis briefly into her vagina. I experienced a mild burning sensation for one day, all over the penis. Could this be because she is diabetic?

“By accident”? Are you 15 or 50? And what do you mean, is it because she’s diabetic? Like a sugar burn? Look up STD, definition of. And invest in condoms.

I am 34 years old and have been married for nine years. Even though I am slim and attractive, my husband does not prioritise our sex life. Right from the beginning of the marriage, we’ve been doing it only once every two or three months. Then too, it’s very routine. He has never performed oral sex on me or masturbated me with his fingers, etc. Do we need to see a marriage counsellor or a sex therapist I don’t want to cause him discomfort.

Darling. He’s gay.

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16 Comments

Posted by on April 24, 2010 in Entertainment, Fiction, Life

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

16 responses to “Agony Aunt for a Day

  1. Praveen

    April 24, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    LOL

    A friend who works for a Blore paper says all this is made up and not real 🙂

     
  2. Kashmira

    April 24, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Don’t know what’s funnier, their questions or your answers 🙂
    ROFL 🙂

     
  3. Amey

    April 24, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    They say every publication finds the readers it deserves

    And you read this. I am too sleepy right now to think what the means 😉

     
  4. Beth

    April 24, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    I started to write out my own snarky responses to the letters but just felt sorry for them all that I couldn’t bear to be mean to them. I will say, though, that letter #3 is making me re-think my attitude towards (relatively) younger men. Who knew people could still be that dumb at 50? I’d love to read HER letter on the same incident.

     
  5. Nandu

    April 24, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Oh, the good Dr. Watsa has been on the reading radar of a lot of people for a while now; his output is truly fascinating….

    My all-time favourite, though, is here – http://www.indiauncut.com/iublog/article/an-old-wives-tail/

     
  6. Nandini

    April 24, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    ROTFL 😀

    I’m going to believe Praveen on this.

    And pretty gross. You must’ve been REALLY bored to be doing this.

     
  7. savvy

    April 24, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Lol, and nasty!

     
  8. Gradwolf

    April 24, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    And Google search is going to have fun with you!

     
  9. Empowerment Engineer

    April 24, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Hahahaha…

    Sexpert’s answer to Q4: “Try and get him to see a sexpert to figure out his problem (or yours). In the meanwhile, help yourself by fantasising (sic) and masturbating.”

    You definitely win Amrita! 🙂

     
  10. Ramsu

    April 25, 2010 at 2:38 am

    Ah yes, The Sexpert! For the two years that I lived in Mumbai, this was my daily supplement for the funnies page in ToI.

    I’m fairly certain that it’s all made up by some guy every morning. Until now, I wanted that guy’s job. But I am now convinced that you’re a better fit. All the best with your new career 🙂

     
  11. ramesh

    April 25, 2010 at 7:13 am

    seriously i thought everyone who blogged and was suitably indian knew about the great sexpert, saviour of millions

     
  12. Jan

    April 25, 2010 at 11:51 am

    OMG. I pretty much just DIED laughing. hahahaha. “by accident” hahahahaha

     
  13. Jan

    April 25, 2010 at 11:53 am

    also ps — i’m pretty sure these are real. how many people in the motherland do we know that would go to their doc with these issues, hmmm?

    that’s right.

    zero.

    i mean god forbid you’re doctor actually sees there’s something wrong with you, now how would that look to everyone???

     
  14. memsaab

    April 26, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Dear lord. That is all.

     
  15. Shivani

    April 27, 2010 at 3:18 am

    I agree with your first commentor. The stuff’s too fantastical to be real. Watsa used to be a riot when Mumbai Mirror was first launched in 2005 ( I mean for me at least, I grew up reading Pearl Padamsee’s personal advice column in Femina 😀 ) but he’s boring & predictable now. My favourite Watsa advice ever was when he asked someone to use google. Facepalm moment!
    Recently, I’ve subscribed to HT & some guy called Dr.Lakdavala does the same schlop. But since he’s new, he’s more entertaining. :p

     
  16. Amrita

    April 27, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Praveen – that gives me hope for the general pop. :mrgreen:

    Kashmira – hee! definitely them!

    Amey – eagle eye strikes again 😀

    Beth – “I was lying in bed with my legs wide apart the way you do…” :mrgreen:

    Nandini – could you tell? 😳

    Savvy & Adithya – 😛

    EE – well, i cant fault him on his answer 😀 She better learn to love a vibrator if he’s gay and she doesnt want to make him uncomfortable.

    Nandu, Ramsu, Ramesh – why am I always the last to find out? Isnt it your duty to tell me?
    That link? KILLED ME :mrgreen:

    Jan – oh hell yeah. and your doctor probably is your mother’s second cousin who will then proceed to tell your entire family all about it in the strictest confidence.

    memsaab – sing it sister!

    Shivani – yay! a new bakra for me! 😀

     
 
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