A few days ago DesiGirl’s elder offspring, the proud possessor of a brand new baby sister, was heard inquiring about this thing called “nipple cream“. I don’t know what DG’s been telling him, but Auntie Amrita would like to bring an alternative to his notice:
PETA wants world-famous Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Ice Cream to tap nursing moms, rather than cows, for the milk used in its ice cream… saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves and give ice cream lovers a healthier product.
It’s the wave of the future. Cold, creamy, healthy, 100% Mommy. It’s what every loving mother should serve her child. If Ben & Jerry’s isn’t interested, perhaps a cottage industry should be established. Mothers working from home, expressing by the bucketload for the health of humanity and the ease of cows.
Imagine: every time you missed your mother and thought wistfully of the pleasures of home, you could open up your freezer, take out a container of Nipple Cream, and instantly reconnect. The Taste of Home! Real “homely” food. Awww!
It could also be a bonding experience! The family that dines off Mommy together is the family that sticks together, my friends. Forget those dark days of yore when jealous little eyes watched younger siblings blissfully suckling while they themselves were palmed off on nasty plastic bottles. No longer will husbands glare resentfully at this exclusive mother-child experience or skulk in the kitchen to sneak a taste of the forbidden goods (just like last night’s dinner, I hear).
And what of the wealth of little anecdotes this could give rise to? You know how people are always talking about the strange fancies of their pets? “My cat loves pizza” or “My dog will only eat Taco Bell”? Well, now Fifi and Fido might well take a fancy to a drop of Mommy. Dinner table conversation will never run dry again! “Ha ha, Fido is absolutely addicted!” you’d say as he ran deliriously around the table, begging for another taste.
Naysayers point out that production is a bit of an issue – where will we find enough human mothers to feed our ice cream addiction? To which I say “Pshaw!” because here’s the genius part of this idea – the part where we solve global poverty by employing all those Poors scattered around the world, eking out a living by breaking stones in between bouts of dying from malaria.
For years now, all across the globe (in New Orleans most recently), politicians have been asking an unmerciful God just one question: why do the Poors continue to multiply? Don’t they know they’re poor? Shouldn’t they meditate on that instead of, you know, living lives like the rest of us un-Poors?
But now! Now there is a solution! Take out cows, switch in Poors. Big Dairy, wishful of a uniform taste to their product, will take care of housing and feeding (the Poors, with proper training, could possibly handle the milking on their own. Income, amazingly enough, doesn’t affect humanoid characteristics like opposable thumbs), which will immediately give the Poors access to a better way of life than they have thus far been accustomed. Healthcare will also be provided and, given what veterinarians charge these days (I’m told), Big Dairy will probably find it a bargain.
And in return, the world will get creamy, healthy milk from our own kind.
Let “Mothers First” be our motto as we take our ice cream back. Why should cows have all our benefits? Especially after all their incessant farting caused global warming. Mothers fart less. In fact, mothers don’t fart at all. Ask your mother if you don’t believe me.