What Ho, Man Ho

16 Sep

“The first time I had sex,” he said, “it was so amazing we had to do it again! But I only had one condom on me, so I decided to reuse it. That didn’t go well.”

The problem with dating when you’re a mere child is that you don’t know it’s perfectly acceptable to stop your boyfriend right in his tracks and say: Gross! Nast! Shut it! etc. Instead, I listened to the whole thing in icked-out silence that didn’t deter him one bit and then proceeded to take out the full virulence of my feelings by passive aggressively mocking him about it, time without end. That, by the way, didn’t go well either.

Now why, you might wonder as I often have, would he tell me this story? Were we exchanging horror stories, first time faux pas, etc? No. As far as I remember, this was an anecdote that presented itself completely without context in the middle of a coffee shop. Polite cappuccino conversation for the 21st century.

In retrospect, I feel a bit of regret at having unleashed the full weight of my Mean Girl skills on him for this strange foray into intimacy – not because he wasn’t asking for it, but because age has made me realize that he was simply indulging in a strange-yet-common phenomenon of Indian dating:

Boy: Girl, I really like you.
Girl: *giggle*
Boy: In fact *blushes* I lub you.
Girl: I wuv you too! *starry eyes*
Boy: So. Did I ever tell you about this other girl I loved?
Girl: Er.
Boy: Okay! Let me describe her and our relationship in extreme detail.
Girl: o_O

Sometimes you don’t even have to be dating. You could simply be flirting. And all of a sudden you’re listening to some guy you met five minutes ago recount the tawdry nitty-gritties of his encounter with his neighbor, the widow, the girl he met at the club, his senior in high school, the highly inventive list is quite long.

What is. UP. with that?

I mean, what is the thinking there? Ha-ha, I told my guy friends about this totally fictional woman who can’t keep her hands off me and it went over really well; now let me repeat the story to this non-fictional girl expressing interest so she’ll… what? Be impressed? “Woo! I’m dating a certified manwhore!” Gratified? “Awww! This slut could have had any old auntie in his neighborhood but he chose me instead.” Awed? “Oooh! His DNA is like a substitute for Viagra.”

I must be missing some essential chip of Indian womanhood because I’ve only ever had two reactions to these stories: skepticism and “eww”. I need a bottle of wine and a degree of friendship to even care, much less participate in this game. “Oh, you’re jealous!” cooed one person with some delight when I mentioned that maybe he should save his war stories for some other time.

Uh, no. I don’t expect the men I find attractive to have lived their lives wrapped in protective plastic sheeting, waiting for that mystical One like a human-sized touch-me-not and I don’t know why any reasonable man would expect that of me. I know it works for some people (hey there, freakazoids! happy you screwed up the curve for the rest of us? hmmm?) but the very thought of ending up married to the first boy who ever asked me out makes me shudder – and not just because I’ve seen his Facebook page.

I just don’t understand why I must be regaled with tales of sexual prowess when I haven’t even hinted at anything resembling interest. Everybody has these stories, of course. Girls and boys. Some of them flattering, some of them cringe-worthy, all of them kind of hilarious in hindsight with the right company at the right time.

So the next time you feel the need to share, remember what your mother taught you and speak when you’re spoken to. Take it from a girl: The Excellent Adventures of Little You is not the icebreaker you imagine it to be.


Posted by on September 16, 2010 in Life, Personal


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

7 responses to “What Ho, Man Ho

  1. Beth

    September 16, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    I think you will understand the full weight of my comment when I saw BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    But seriously. I think part of it is they seem to like it when _we_ tell war stories…maybe out of some “Well if she did X with HIM, whom she is no longer with, maybe she’ll do XXX with ME, because she likes me enough to be here right now, even if ‘here right now’ is just the coffee shop where we just me.” Some boys, they like the tales of escapades. A way to build certain kinds of intimacy in certain situations with certain people? Sure. A free taste of vaguely realistic slightly p0rn-y stories? More likely.

  2. pitu

    September 16, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Arre at least you were interested in the guy!!! I’ve had random dudes tell me war stories when I’m happily married and they’re happily (I assume the happy part) married and they still feel the need to tell me about their exes at some random party. Last time it happened it literally went like this:

    Me: I went to X college. You?
    Him: I went to Y which is next door!
    Both: OH WOW! SQUEE!
    Me: Mmm I used to visit the Y cafetaria for the chopsuey!
    Him: Oh.. about the chopsuey… I used to feed it to my gf of the time who… *insert ridiculous, blech, wtf story here*
    Me: Fascinating. I should go help the hostess.

    THAT to me, is even more RIDICULOUS!

  3. Gradwolf

    September 16, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Maybe I should just leave you women here alone 😛

    But but, like Parthiban would say I think(with the fear of being judged 😛 ) it’s some sort of give-and-take policy that they try. *runs*

    Forget the boy-girl interactions. Have you had random guys/girls you’ve interacted online only for most part(!)(tweets/blog comments only) come to you and say random info about their life/private lives in the very first tweetup/drinks meet? Very weird guys/girls I tell you!

    • pitu

      September 17, 2010 at 11:41 am

      I have! Some DMs I’ve gotten were very much TMI!

  4. Jals

    September 16, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    I think maybe if it’s flirting, the stories are an attempt to make your jealous. Maybe. And usually an unsuccessful attempt. I haven’t really faced this much, though. A lot of the boys I’ve met are actually hesitant in talking about past relationships/flings.

    However, of course I’ve met some of the I’m-God’s-gift-to-women men. I’ve always assumed that inherent insecurity about their “skills” or insecurity in general leads to the lies and the boasting.

  5. Amrita

    September 17, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    @ Beth – I just feel context is truly everything, you know? In the right circumstances, I’m sure that’d be intimate, but just wham! in my face like that? Thank you, Mr. Creepy McCreeperson.

    @ Pitu – hahah! At least you didn’t get invited to a key party the way a friend of mine was because, the guy said, “married people need adventure”. Barf.

    @ Adithya – no, no, tell us more about your mysterious people! 😀 I’m very careful about who I meet and where and when so thankfully that kind of stuff rarely happens to me.

    @ Jals – that would be my assumption too!

  6. Broom

    September 20, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Hey! Who’re you calling a freakazoid?! Hmm? HMMM?

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