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Daily Archives: August 2, 2010

Lost MacLean: Death Train

Well, what do you know? Turns out Detonator: Death Train was indeed a prequel of sorts to Detonator II: Night Watch. Apparently, Pierce Brosnan was intimately involved in an Alistair MacLean made-for-TV movie cult back in the 90s.

“The mission is impossible. The consequences deadly,” warns the tagline. How truly it speaks! The mission to make a decent movie out of the enjoyable novels of one of the world’s most popular writers’ bestselling work is impossible in the hands of this crew. Even though it stars Pierce Brosnan, Patrick Stewart, Christopher Lee and Ted Levine! And its consequences will indeed be deadly as seen by the movie Night Watch.

But! But! But first come these fascinating 90 minutes or so of a great cast:

In A Top Secret Location (Evil)

Fu Manchu: Where’s my bomb?

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: What is this Russian shit? The plutonium exploded all over me and now I’m going to turn into rotting meat.

Fu Manchu: Don’t make me vahnt to drink your blood. Where’s my bomb?

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: Bomb. Bomb-bomb-bomb. Bombitty-bomb. Bom-BOM-bom. Bomb. Tr la la la la. *smirk*

Fu Manchu: Er.

In A Top Secret Location (Good)

Jean Luc Picard: I need more power to beat evil.

Baywatch Babe: Me! Take me! I have powers! Look at my legs! My very long legs. In a short skirt. And my excessive luggage! It’s what every top secret agent bent on rescuing the world needs!

James Bond: You’re totally banging that babe, aren’t ya?

Jean Luc Picard: You should say – you’re totally banging that babe, aren’t ya, sir? Savvy?

James Bond: Fine. I’d rather be racing bikes anyway.

Baywatch Babe: Sexist Pig!

Non-English Speaking European Military Personnel: Ha ha ha! She called him an oink! We’re totally on her side because we’re all feminists!

James Bond: Oooh, I’ve been totally schooled. I guess I’ll take her seriously now that she flounced off and made a room full of armymen chuckle.

On The Death Train

Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, hello? If anybody’s interested, I have a train with a nuclear bomb on board.

Jean Luc Picard: Oh! I see! It’s a devious plan.With Russians and bombs on trains and stuff.

Fu Manchu: May I speak to a member of the press please? I would like to explain my top secret devious plan with Russians and bombs on trains and stuff in great detail. Thanks!

James Bond: Let’s go beat this guy!

Captain Stottlemeyer: You’ll never beat me! Wait. You will? Oh.

In A Hospital Room

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: I was bored and building a nuclear bomb was something I always wanted to do.

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: Here’s what I did.

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: Goodbye. I die now. In good German hospital where everything fucking works the way it’s meant to and doesn’t blow up in your face like the fucking Russian shit.

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

In An Airplane Hangar

Fu Manchu: Ha! Ha! I’m an arch villain. I speak Russian and everything! You can beat my minions but you can’t beat me that easy. I got seconds!

Russian Army Man: Let me shake your hand now that you’ve committed our nation to war entirely on your own.

Jean Luc Picard: Will someone tell me what’s going on?

Baywatch Babe: My vagina says let’s just follow the Fu Manchu guy and see what he does.

James Bond: This is a stupid plan. Not because I’ve thought about it, but because someone with a vagina said it. So it better work.

Baywatch Babe: Oh no! I have no bullets and a minion is shooting at me!

James Bond: Let me save you by shooting him dead.

Baywatch Babe: Oh, thank God, you big strong hero man! Now I’ve totally forgiven you for constantly undermining, disrespecting, objectifying, bullying, and shutting me out.

Fu Manchu: Oh no! They shoot me dead. But before I die, I will set the second bomb to go off. Heh heh. *grk*

James Bond: I will save us all by cutting through all the wires one after another.

Voice of That Guy, Who Was Playing Scientist: April Fool!

Jean Luc Picard: The fuck is going on there? Someone say something. I’m the Grand Poobah of this shindig, I’d like you to know!

James Bond: Fuck this shit.

Baywatch Babe: I’d love to but the only place I’m headed is the beach so I’ll just hang out here if it’s all the same to you.

THE END.

[for LEB who expressed an interest :mrgreen:]

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2010 in Entertainment, Movies, Review

 

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