It’s one thing to make jokes about the bromance going overboard, wish two actors of the same gender would make out, or call out the leads for packing zero chemistry. But when your entire response to a movie is to mention that you think XYZ actor is in the closet, you’re just an idiot. I have decided.
This whole phenomenon of people showing up on various movie threads to hit “GAY!” and run really didn’t bother me that much until Knight and Day released last week. That’s when it reached critical mass and crossed the line from “Trapped in the Closet was one of the funniest South Park epis ever!” to “fuck you! I get it! y’all think he’s gay!”
I can’t believe I’m sticking up for Tom Cruise, an actor who left me cold even when he was a bonafide superstar setting panties afire but the point needs to be made – No, he does not reek of toxic gay in the poster, the trailer or the movie itself. It’s not the best damn movie ever made nor is it a vortex of extreme suckage but whatever problems the movie has, the preferred gender of its lead male actor’s schtupping partner is not one of them.
The list of male Hollywood actors who’re Maybe Gaybes is a mile long (as certified by some anonymous person’s Aunt Besty who has a best friend who lives right next to the actor’s housekeeper’s best friend’s son’s ex-girlfriend who told her the information under the strictest confidence) and it’s become a way of gauging heat – you knew Jeremy Renner had arrived not from his Oscar nomination but by his gay rumor. Cruise is at the very top of this list, a position he has maintained ever since he oversold his romance with Katie Holmes while simultaneously becoming the front man for Scientology.
Whatever the truth of those rumors and no matter how much he pings your gaydar, let’s get this straight: Tom Cruise is not less of a superstar because he is a closeted gay man. Closeted gay men are, in fact, very good at being superstars. He is less of a superstar because he let the mask of cool slip for one disastrous moment back in 2005 on the one show that his base of female fans would never miss and once that went viral, he could never find the way back.
You think you’re being funny or sticking it to him when you leave the mandatory “GAY!” comment to every single post mentioning his name, but all you’re really doing is fortifying a very ugly argument engineered to keep actors in the closet i.e. that gay men can’t act straight.The subtext is very clear: look, even a star as big as Tom Cruise can’t make it work and he never even came out of the closet!
You really want to call him out on his closeted status because you hate hypocrisy or want to protest his church’s stand on homosexuality or simply find it funny? Just give him time. He’ll provide you with opportunities aplenty. From what I can tell, Nicole Kidman took the location of the top secret OFF switch on his 24×7 performance machine as part of the divorce settlement. He’s bound to walk down the street holding his wife’s hand like he’s never held a woman’s hand before in his life or talk about the perfection of David Beckham’s body or how Will Smith is such a special friend.
Just stop making me feel sorry for him.