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Veer: Son of Mard, Conan‘s Bro

28 Jan

Salman Khan loves gladiators. He loves their mullets, their bulging muscles, the way they lop off body parts and dress in furs. If Dharmendra hadn’t frightened off the rest of Hindi herodom with his amazing legs in Dharam Veer, he’d probably even love their leather skirts. So when he teamed up with Vijay Galani, producer of his original gladiatorial opus Suryavanshi, and director Anil Sharma (Gadar) to give us Veer… well, hopes ran high. In my bosom if not in anyone else’s. It was going to be epic!

So how did it measure up against its forefathers – cult favorites Mard and Conan the Barbarian? Meh. Not so much.

The Evil Conquerors

Mard: The evil Brits bottle the blood of the vanquished in multicolored glass bottles. They make Dara Singh grind wheat (or was it drill for water? well, they make him turn a giant wheel anyway) for the whole country all by himself!

Conan: They make him turn a wheel by himself in the middle of nowhere too! He has thighs like tree trunks to prove it! And then they make him fight for his life and get him hookers before trying to kill him. Niiiice.

Veer: The evil Brits… make speeches about how they’re about make Indians slaves forever by teaching them English? Then they stand around and get killed? Lame.

Full of win: Mard!

Manhood is a Sacred Thing

Mard: His daddy carves it into his baby chest!

Conan: He learns it drilling in the desert all by himself while being whipped silly!

Veer: His daddy takes him out into the rain.

Full of win: Getting it carved into your baby chest makes for a pretty hardcore Mard!

The Father Son Conflict

Mard: There are misunderstandings! There are betrayals! There is separation! Father and son fight each other in an arena! Dara Singh might have worn a leather skirt. I was so exhausted by then, my poor brain can’t even remember.

Conan: Conan’s daddy done be killed. Aww.

Veer: Dadda (Mithun Chakraborty) likes to make out with Maa in public. Dadda and Veer do the Macarena before he throws Veer into tanks full of water. When Dadda and Veer fight, Veer feels each cut on Dadda’s body twice as much as he does his own. Veer cries.

Full of win: Veer stepped it up with the last minute groaning and the moaning but the sympathy vote goes to Conan.

The MAAAAAAAA!

Mard: Nirupa Roy. That is all.

Conan: Conan’s mommy done be killed. Aww.

Veer: Neena Gupta looks concerned, gives birth, looks concerned, uncomfortably shakes her booty, looks concerned, cries. What? She never loses her eyesight, pours lead in her ears, goes insane, anoints her son for battle or tells him to remember his sanskar? Have these people never met a mother?

Full of win: Haven’t you watched American Idol, Conan? The sympathy card can’t be cashed in all the time, you know. Besides, Nirupa Roy always wins. Because she is The Maa, bitches.

The Man Say What?

Mard: “Mard ko dard nahin hota.” Growf.

Conan: Conan don’t talk. Talking’s for girlie men.

Veer: “Jahan se pakdoonga, wahi se paanch ser ghosht nikaal ke rakhoonga.” Roar!

Full of win: Was Veer a butcher in his last janam? Give it to Mard!

The Girl Says Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mard: Bow! Bow to the Mard-ess! She has a whip! She likes to tan – on top of pagodas in her swimsuit! She has a convertible and she will run over yo mamma with it! She will turn you into party entertainment! She likes it when you get so kinky with her, baby!

Conan: Some chick with no clothes and terrible taste in men.

Veer: Some chick with too many clothes and terrible taste in men.

Full of win: The Mard-ess! I’d be afraid to give it to someone else!

Fine, Fine, Finery!

Mard: Whatever the Wonder Dog and Bahadur could round up, really.

Conan: Nekkid is a lifestyle choice.

Veer: After careful research, Anna Singh threw out the research.

Full of win: The clothes were by far the best thing about Veer. I think I asked the universe, “WHAT IS SHE WEARING?” at least a dozen times. Someday, Bollywood will stop dressing their cast like this and then I will weep.

The Supporting Cast Gets One Close Up Shot

Mard: Bahadur the faithful steed! Brownie or Moti or Whatsis the Wonder Dog! Loyal commoners who die for the cause!

Conan: Snakes! Big ones, small ones, stiff ones, all sorts! Nekkid women! Humongous men!

Veer: The results of Anil Sharma’s raid of an Ashutosh Gowarikar set.

Full of win: Veer gets it hands down. Sohail Khan made me think twice, but really – gotta hand it to them. Never have so many well known supporting actors gotten so little to do.

The Villain Says Muahahahahaha!

Mard: Prem Naam Hai Mera! Prem Chopra! Muahahahah! Specialities include cross, double cross, cross stitch and double stitch. Fine embroidery optional. (Listen, it’s Mard – let’s not look for sense, mmmkay?)

Conan: James Earl Jones is the voice of DOOOOOOOM! He has snakes. He is a snake! He has virgins who will kill themselves if he asks them to. If you go to his parties, he’ll make you eat Soylent Green soup. He will fucking stare you to death and then cut your motherfucking head off! He has the power!

Veer: Jackie Shroff is the man with the golden arm. Beyonce called and says if you want it, you shoulda put a ring on it. Oh-uh-uh-oh.

Full of win: Veer! Ha. Kidding. Conan, of course!

***

The Final Tally

Not Veer.

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22 Comments

Posted by on January 28, 2010 in Entertainment, Movies, Review

 

22 responses to “Veer: Son of Mard, Conan‘s Bro

  1. Kashmira

    January 28, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    This is hilarious! Mind if I post a link on my facebook?

     
  2. bollyviewer

    January 29, 2010 at 1:22 am

    Veer has at least one thing going for it that Conan does not – even Sallu is a sight for sore eyes after the eye scarring experience of Arnold muscle-central Schwarznegger!

     
  3. Poornima

    January 29, 2010 at 2:12 am

    Best ever review I have read. Thank you! May be you had humour imprinted in your baby brain LOL!!!

     
  4. Hades

    January 29, 2010 at 3:20 am

    I haven’t actually seen Mard but even then Hahaha 😀

     
  5. sachita

    January 29, 2010 at 3:20 am

    🙂 you watched all three?
    And Nirupa roys wins, always. The title card flashes her name and people immediately start weeping.

     
    • pitu

      January 29, 2010 at 4:22 pm

      LMAO at “The title card flashes her name and people immediately start weeping.”

       
  6. Jawahara Saidullah

    January 29, 2010 at 4:17 am

    I was laughing out aloud while reading this….and I still am. I saw the trailer for this movie while in New York, and I cringed for Sallu and the weird Katrinaesque woman (or is it really Katrina? Can’t tell) dancing around. Then I laughed, then I cringed again. What a hot mess! But your review? Not so much….a really, really well-written and funny review.

     
  7. anonymusketeer

    January 29, 2010 at 4:58 am

    FAN-FUCKIN-TASTIC review.

    I have watched neither Mard nor Conan the Barbarian, but damn if I don’t know what 3 movies I’ll be watching tonight!

     
  8. sunil

    January 29, 2010 at 5:25 am

    Conan had James Earl Jones turning into a python when sfx stunts actually meant something. Conan by far!

     
  9. memsaab

    January 29, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Ha ha ha! “Not Veer.”

    Still, I will watch it. But nothing tops Mard, nothing.

     
  10. Beth

    January 29, 2010 at 11:44 am

    This begs for a massive viewing party, all three in a row. Can you IMAGINE!

    I _am_ a bit concerned that you awarded Veer points for any aspect that involved Sohail and his pineapple. But at least there was Rajesh Vivek!

     
  11. Mudra

    January 29, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Haven’t seen it (and never will!) but this was insane. 😀

     
  12. Magnus

    January 29, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Truly, Madly, Deeply, Brilliant! Has so inspired me to watch Veer. And the winner has to be Mard, look at this quote. Mard: “Mard ko dard nahin hota.” Growf. Conan talks too much.

     
  13. Amrita

    January 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Kashmira – you don’t have to ask! 😀

    BV – it’s a mixed blessing – the bright spot with Conan is that he hardly ever speaks.

    Poornima – or someone dropped me on the head!

    Hades – it is a treat in store for you!

    Sachita – what will you think of me, I wonder, when you learn that not only have I seen all three of these, I have also seen Suryavanshi, Taras Bulba and Genghis Khan and enjoyed all of them. 😳

    Jawahara – it is Katrina’s stand-in from some movie. :mrgreen: True story. Can’t make this shit up!

    Anonymusketeer – keep the vodka handy, my friend! And may the force be with you! 😀

    Sunil – you know, you’re absolutely right! It cant have been easy to morph back and forth like that! Conan rules!

    Memsaab – I had such hopes 😦

    Beth – it will be EYEBALLS OF DEATH! I prefer to think of Sohail as something that came free with the package – like the breadstix with pizza except not delicious.

    Mudra – hee! How about that 3-in-1 Beth has planned?

    Magnus – Hooray! I spread the pain! 😀

     
  14. Theory of Relative-ity?

    January 29, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    This review format of yours — for so-so movies with such historic “connections” — is always a Win!

    My personal fave is the Mard-ess — lol @ The Girl Says Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (= mc-squared?!) — mainly coz she reminds me of my “pagodas and Pallavas”-obsessed paternal grandpa who passed away when I was barely two (but not before giving me my name so thanks, gramps!). Shame on me though that I never bothered to read the college textbook he wrote on the Pallavas of Kanchi nor ever visited Mahabalipuram, but hey,pagodas I likes!

    And about that 3-in-1 Beth is planning, I have 3 words: Count me in! 😛

     
  15. TanTanu

    January 30, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Came here thru blog adda.! Fundoo post!

    Nirupa Roy is THE Maa. Biatches! The lord giveth her eyesight in Amar Akbar Anthony! Her other super powers include Acrid Tears.. and more.. We should totally do a post on her.. high time she got some attention!

    Cheers!

    Shantanu..

    *off to read other posts on this blog*

     
  16. ramesh

    January 30, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    “The results of Anil Sharma’s raid of an Ashutosh Gowarikar set.”
    “After careful research, Anna Singh threw out the research.”
    aah hilarious this is .. lovely ..

     
  17. kk

    January 30, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    why, Salman, WHY????

     
  18. maxdavinci

    February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    chahe ho sabhi rashtra ke vibhajan
    swayamvar mein ladki le jaye rahul mahajan
    lekin tab tak nahin hota humara manoranjan
    jab tak aisi teeki mirchi nahin lage, amrita rajan!

     
  19. Amrita

    February 1, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    ToR – ah, but have you ever worn a swimsuit on top of one is the question!

    Shantanu – hi and welcome! 🙂

    Ramesh – 😀 There is a red velvet dress with a giant bow that deserves to be in a museum!

    kk – Because he fell in love with Yul Brynner apparently. Which is a good excuse!

    Max – a Rahul Mahajan poem… this blog has finally recieved its tapasya ka phal! :mrgreen:

     
  20. Kashmira

    February 1, 2010 at 4:44 pm

     
 
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