I Need a Binky

18 Jan

What on earth? A “genital cosmetic colorant”? This is a thing?

I guess it’ll go great with my fake boobs, my pasted on eyelashes, my hand-drawn eyebrows, my collagen-pufffed lips, my made-to-order “just like that of my favorite celebrity” nose, my lipo’d thighs, my chemically peeled butt (to remove cellulite, duh!), etc. And then maybe I too can look like this! I’ll be my very own robot! Beat that, Japanese scientists!

However, it’s an ill wind that blows no good and thus we can thank “My Pink Button” for this post:

The kit contains 20 of the cheapest eye shadow applicators you will ever see, the kind where the foam is kind of wonkily glued on to the plastic stem. Also included is a small vial of pink powder, helpfully labeled “Marilyn.” I chose this shade because I felt like my vagina could most identify with her: pill-popping, confused, and crammed into small garments…I put the product on and let it sit as the instructions advised. Things were okay for a few seconds, and then…THE BURNING! I have certainly felt worse, but it was very noticeable. The instructions assure me that this burning is “due to the ingredients reacting to your bodies own PH balance which is normal and will go away upon rinsing off the colorant.”

Hmm. You know, I’ve never felt any kind of burning in that area and don’t really feel the need to start now. Pass!

I was going to laugh until I remembered this scene from a Jilly Cooper novel in which the woman actually tries something similar. So apparently this is a real fear that women have? I’m beginning to wonder if someone’s going to show up on my doorstep and ask me to turn in my female card on grounds of insufficient body image issues.


Posted by on January 18, 2010 in Life, Personal


19 responses to “I Need a Binky

  1. conradvisionquest

    January 18, 2010 at 3:44 pm

  2. bollyviewer

    January 18, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Hah! This is nothing compared to vaginal cosmetic surgery – apparently women do that, too! And not just that, there is even something called “revirginization“! There is no end to body image issues…

  3. fromherewegosublime

    January 18, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Amrita – do you really wanna see how far the rabbit hole goes ( no pun intended)??

    Two words – Anal Brightening.


  4. sunil

    January 19, 2010 at 1:58 am

    From the how to look like a porn star department. You HAVE to be a misanthrope to do that to yourself.

  5. apu

    January 19, 2010 at 2:30 am

    “Wtf!” She managed to splutter, while wondering sadly if her thighs were too fat, her skin too dark and her unmentionables far from the right, delicate shade of pink.

  6. Sharon

    January 19, 2010 at 6:54 am

    As creepy as the hoochie-rouge-y is – oh, my, god, what happened to Heidi Montag??? She doesn’t even look like herself anymore! :-S

  7. Beth

    January 19, 2010 at 11:27 am

    I’m going to turn in my own female card at this rate. I’m not sure I want it anymore.

    My (very self-centered) question is: how far down the reality and real-world chain does this sort of garbage trickle? That is, will the very tiny number of actual people who would ever even know about my…um…coloring actually CARE? Obviously if they do care, then I shouldn’t care about THEM, but as we know it is not that simple in the brain. Is this going to be another thing my friends and I are going to worry about, or is it just for vacuous idiots and we will solidly ignore it?

  8. sachita

    January 19, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Insanity! but what for!

  9. abhishek

    January 19, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    I was wondering if this would work on male appendages. LOL!

  10. Of buttons and beans

    January 19, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Was watching the Australian Open when I opened this post — talk about looking at Down Under through rose tints, bleurgh!

    This “hot button” topic did take me on a tangential trip though — to that “bean” scene in The Ugly Truth… the movie that ends in a hot-air balloon. I don’t recall laughing *that* much EVER — at least not since my first watch of Liar Liar or Dumb & Dumber or other quintessentially Carrey movies. I mean I was literally gasping. For breath. From spasmodic laughter. 😛

    • O-B-n-B

      January 19, 2010 at 2:05 pm

      Damn these italicks! Forgot to close…

  11. e

    January 19, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    It BURNS? That’s messed up. I really don’t understand why there would be a need for this product, there are like a million shades of lipstick on the market already if a girl feels like dressing up sexy down there.

    (just be sure to do your research on lead first, k)

  12. ramesh

    January 20, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    yuck .. blech …

  13. meena

    January 20, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    I thought you might get a kick out of this story…:)

    • sachita

      January 20, 2010 at 5:58 pm

      I just heard some stuff about this KG Balakrishnan(one of those who rose to what he is without any sort of merit) from my dad and here he goes to prove it.

      • meena

        January 20, 2010 at 6:28 pm

        Sachita when does he retire again? lets hope soon :)..its scary when a judge starts to make general moral statements not related to any law…

  14. Amrita

    January 20, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    CVQ – I have one word for you: merkin!

    BV – yes! it’s very hot in Egypt apparently where they announced a fatwa against it because it let women “cheat” by having all the pre marital nookie they wanted and then hide it from their husbands. The things people find out.

    Piyush – ahahahaha! That stuff makes me laugh. And then cry.

    Sunil – I think even porn stars would pass.

    Apu – touche 🙂

    Sharon – it’s a little bit of a good news, bad news: good news, Heidi doesn’t look like herself anymore. Bad News: she doesn’t look like a human being anymore.

    Beth – well, what gets me is that I didnt even know there was supposed to be a color issue down there. Was everyone in on this? Fair and Lovely needs to get in on this action clearly. They’ve spent all their time on the wrong end of the body.

    Sachita – you got me.

    Abhishek – I believe there are more fun ways to get your appendages to burn. 😛 None that I recommend though.

    OBnB – oh god, I think I spent all my time scrubbing that movie out of my head but yes, I remember that one!

    e – your comment made me laugh and laugh and then go “hmmm”.

    Ramesh – my sentiments exactly. 😀

  15. Beth

    January 20, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    There is most. definitely. not. supposed to be a color issue there. The correct attitude about this of course is that if someone cares about color, someone should not be anywhere near a position to know the color in the first place.

    Ugh. Must stop reading. Getting stabby again.

  16. the mad momma

    January 24, 2010 at 11:59 am

    i thought your post had freaked me out enough until I saw the anal brightener comment. NOW I’ve seen everything and can rest easy

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