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I’ll Have What They’re Smoking

11 Nov

Of all the people expected to give an insane celebrity interview, Om Puri would have come dead last on my list. In fact, he’d have come negative dead last if there’d been any such position. But thanks to Filmiholic and my favoritest tabloid in everty-ever, I’ve been proven wrong!

Hooray!

So did you know Om Puri has a biography coming out? It’s written by his wife Nandita. Puff piece alert, right? A wife writing about her famous husband? What’s she gonna do – provide a thrilling expose of his kitten-rescuing, puppy-cuddling, charitable life where he regularly saves the honor of somebody’s sister on the weekends because he’s too busy saving your blind mother from burning buildings during the week? Yawn.

Well, if we are to believe the Mumbai Mirror (oh, do let’s!), this biography is nothing of the kind. Unlikely Hero: The Story Of Om Puri is instead a no-holds barred, shine the torchlight into that dark cranny, don’t miss that cockroach over there, look at the man behind the famous name.

And what does that man do? Apparently, most of the time he has sex with maids. These revelations, about two women named Shanti and Laxmi, have made Om Puri “livid” because he feels his beautiful memories have now been put on par with Shiney Ahuja’s escapades.

Om says that Laxmi was one of the most important women in his life. “This lady whom Nandita talks in such an undignified manner was Laxmi, who raised me and my brother’s orphaned children. My relationship with this wonderful woman was a homage to her loyalty for looking after me unconditionally.” Om doesn’t deny he had sex with Laxmi.*

Um, what?

Om, Om – can I call you Om? I feel like I know you so well. No? Alright, Mr. Puri then. First of all, rule number one of any relationship? Do not discuss the ex. I understand there are people for whom maximum amounts of disclosure are the only way to go, but those people are… well, how do we put it? Certifiable.

Sooner or later, you and your loved one are going to be angry and upset because the dishes from last Monday are still in the sink or the credit card bill is overdue or the trash bin isn’t lined exactly the way you like it or the toilet paper has been inserted pointing down instead of up – and words are going to be exchanged at which point you do not want your loved one to remember that time you drunkenly hooked up with that hot tranny in that no-name bar off the interstate. Or, you know, alternatively, one day she might write a book about you, the real you, and you don’t want her to remember things like that then either.

Speaking of, what the hell were you thinking? Your wife is your biographer?! Don’t you know there’s only one scenario when that’s acceptable and that’s when you’re dead? See, if you were dead then A) you wouldn’t have to worry about what she wrote and B) if she wrote something less then complimentary then five billion people will line up in front of her door to call her names and tell her off for defaming the dead even if every single word she wrote could be triple sourced. Win-win.

Now with that out of the way, may I say something else, Mr. Puri?

BULLSHIT. I smells it.

Your wife wrote a biography and you had zero idea what was in it? Fine, you didn’t read the manuscript – but was she working off her elephantine memory for the whole project? She didn’t conduct one interview that made you go, “Huh, why is she asking about this stuff?”

It’s one thing for her to say:

Om has all the human foibles, just like all of us. He had sex as an adolescent with his maid and then he had a long liaison with the other lady who was also a maid. This was his way of coming out of his other relationships and demolishing class differences.

Which – bwahaha! But for her to say her publishers are angry…

Seriously? Her publishers are angry that their freaking Om Puri biography is getting tabloid press? Based on excerpts that who provided? The Tooth Fairy? Yeah right. They must be crying all the way to the bank.

*emphasis mine.

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37 Comments

Posted by on November 11, 2009 in Celebrity, Entertainment, Video

 

37 responses to “I’ll Have What They’re Smoking

  1. Srinivas

    November 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    “I wont let her get away with this. I dont care if she is my wife” – yeh duniya to bus tamasha hi hain..some drama!! 🙂

     
  2. pitu

    November 11, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    I’d comment if I could stop chortling 😀 JEEZ! 🙂

     
  3. bollyviewer

    November 11, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    hahaha He’s the last man I’d expect to have skeletons rattling around in his closet. Now please tell me that you will read the book and tell us if it is as… ummm… ‘interesting’ as Barkha Dutt makes it sound.

     
  4. sachita

    November 11, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    “bachao bachao”, Amrita has been held captive by Bollywood.(PC term hindi film industry, tamil PC term indi film industry).

     
  5. Gradwolf

    November 12, 2009 at 12:00 am

    Didn’t any of the news channels go interview Shiney’s wife? And ask her if she’s writing a diary somewhere? And if she also thinks her husband’s escapades were “a way to come out of his other relationships and demolish class differences”. Wohmygawd, that statement!

     
  6. apu

    November 12, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Ams – I saw some excerpts from this book, and they are awful (quite apart from the content) – but, that’s in keeping with Nandita Puri’s terrible writing style – I read this collection of short stories she’d written – Nine on nine – and it has some of the worst writing in Indian English that I’ve ever come across…

    Plus, come on, he didn’t know she was writing all this? My bullshit meter just touched 100…

     
  7. Ramsu

    November 12, 2009 at 1:01 am

    Among other things that set me off, there was this quote from Nandita that you mention towards the end of your post. If you’re “getting out of other relationships” at 14 and this is what happens as a result, I doubt that “demolishing class differences” have anything to do with it.

    ~ramsu

    ps: Other relationships? Plural? At 14? Sheesh!

     
  8. Arch

    November 12, 2009 at 1:57 am

    “BULLSHIT. I smells it.”

    I loves it!! 🙂

     
  9. Shivani

    November 12, 2009 at 3:31 am

    Ohh, I totally agree with Apu. I read some extracts on Tehelka [http://www.tehelka.com/story_main43.asp?filename=hub141109my_husband.asp] and the writing style is embarassingly bad; makes me wonder how she’d been a prominent journalist once.

    //This was his way of coming out of his other relationships and demolishing class differences//

    Ah, well!If demolishing class differences was so easy (for lack of a better word!) & justifiable, then Shiney Ahuja would’ve been a frontrunner for next year’s Padmashree

     
    • pitu

      November 12, 2009 at 2:55 pm

      I read the tehelka article you referenced, and boy, is she a sucky writer. However, given how horrible desi journos are (English language journos mostly, regional journalism is still quite awesome) this does not surprise me at all. If anything, she probably owes her career to to being Mrs Om Puri. Have you ever read Anupama Chopra’s film reviews? Horrible. But there is fayda in being Mrs Vidhu Vinod Chopra obviously.

       
      • Shivani

        November 13, 2009 at 3:39 am

        Isn’t Anupama Chopra the one who penned SRK’s biography & some book on the making of DDLJ? Surprising that her writing sucks, considering she’s Vikram Chandra’s sister (he of the ‘Sacred Games’ fame – one of the bestselling desi potboilers & which gets recommended to me bloody often!) Of course, not logical but then I always assume genes to have rubbed off where siblings are concerned 😉

         
        • memsaab

          November 16, 2009 at 4:39 pm

          AC wrote the book on the making of Sholay too, and it’s one of the best reads EVER. I think she’s a competent writer, although her SRK book left something to be desired.

          re: genes…my brother is a genius but I, sadly, am not.

           
  10. BlueMist

    November 12, 2009 at 6:29 am

    Read the tehlka about the book and then nandita’s interview. In fact I was expecting post from you. 😛
    and then read Shobha Dey’s take too. It is all nautanki. big bang nautanki. they almost achieved the publicity part. And any publicity is publicity. ( at least for many from this industry! ) 😐

     
  11. Banno

    November 12, 2009 at 8:51 am

    Seriously too MUCH!

     
  12. maxdavinci

    November 12, 2009 at 11:43 am

    So the rightful homage to loyalty and looking after is to boink them?

    interestin…..

     
  13. rads

    November 12, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    wow.

    *speechlessly goes back to working with numbers*

     
  14. M

    November 12, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    What rads said….only it’s code in my case….makes so much more sense than bolly-people!

    M

     
  15. Red? Aye!

    November 12, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Of course Om is mad at Nandita and Nandita is raging at the publisher who is in turn tipping off, er, taking the tabloid press to task… and so the cycle goes, until the couple does the kiss-and-make-up thingy like Garrison Keillor and wife Willa Goodrich did, two decades back. Read this? Hilarious stuff.

    In the “story” Keillor wrote for the New Yorker’s humor section, he tells of how a People magazine journo pretty much moved into their home under the pretext of profiling their sick pet (‘course people are interested in the well-being of celebrity pets, we know that, no big deal) — but finally published something entitled, “Earl: My Life with a Louse”!

    “As so often happens, the story changes as a reporter works on it. You start out to do one thing and you wind up doing something entirely different” is what the journo apparently said in his defense — yes, we totally hear you, Nandita!

    And about getting back together with his wife, he writes, “My friends can’t believe I took her back after all those things she said about me, but I can’t see where it’s any of their business.” 😛 Marriage man, I tell ya!

     
    • Red? Aye!

      November 12, 2009 at 2:39 pm

      p.s: “..the toilet paper has been inserted pointing down instead of up,” speaking of, look whose brain Pastis picked for his Pearls strip, this morning (11/12)? 😛 Such Seinfeldian sensibilities, both of you!

       
  16. nsfw

    November 12, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Lol! Sometimes I seriously think the bonno chimps know all there is to know about human relationships – if you like them (male or female) – boink them. Lol!

     
    • nsfw

      November 12, 2009 at 5:36 pm

      And the cool thing is that what the Bonobo males indulge in is precisely the activity ye old Greeks seemed to prefer. 🙂

       
  17. Nita

    November 13, 2009 at 7:43 am

    All these things are publicity stunts I am sure. That book has to sell! Not that I disbelieve Om Puri’s escapades. If he had consensual sex I think we should be relieved!

     
  18. anonymusketeer

    November 13, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    i’d like to blogroll you. 🙂 your blog is highly addictive, and if my college didn’t block youtube videos, i would be hanging around here longer than usual, and believe me, my ‘usual’ is far too long by itself.

     
  19. Amrita

    November 13, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Srinivas – what a zamana is upon us when even OP comes to this level.

    BV – I dont particularly care about his sex life or whether he’s been doing it with farm animals, I do care that he thnks everybody is this stupid. And yaar, you know me, I’m struggling against the pull towards moldy cheese.

    Sachita – :mrgreen:

    Adithya – somewhere in Delhi, Shiney turned to his wife and said “Dumbo! Why didn’t you think of that?!” Biwi ho to aisi.

    Apu – oh lord, is it that bad? I didn’t even know such a thing existed… should I give in and read it?

    Ramsu – I know, what the hell right? He got over the girl in the neighborhood by getting it on with his mother figure? SO wrong!

    Arch – I’m half-considering a review when the thing comes out. Last time I did Dev Anand’s book and laughed myself silly so maybe…?

    Pitu – I’m slightly curious about the excerpts now but I feel like I’ve been begged too hard by this stupid article and now can’t be bothered.

    Shivani – yes, thats the one. I actually enjoyed her SRK and DDLJ books – they were fribbles but well written fribbles but if you don’t like the way she speaks on her show then you won’t like her work either because that is exactly how she sounds on paper too. She’s nothing at all like Vikram Chandra though. And her books are way better than her reviews.

    BM – hahahah, I didnt even know until Filmiholic sent it to me. I read Shobha De’s bit – why do all those people read her blog if they don’t like reading her? It’s like her readership is shocked theyre reading Shobha De. Hilarious!

    Banno – and OP of all people! Who’d have thunk it?

    Max – the things that came to my mind as I read those quotes…. its a good thing for OP that I occasionally remember to mind my tongue.

    M & Rads – hahahahahahha!

    RA – would it shock you to bits to discover I’m not a Seinfeld fan? 😛 A bit before my time and then by the time I found it, I wasn’t interested. Will your cave hold an extra person?

    Nsfw – and they have the decency to keep it to themselves too! I thought evolution was supposed to take us forward.

    Nita- hahah, thats where we are these days right? As long as it wasn’t rape!

    AM – god, if I didnt have other stuff to do, I’d spend all my time at YT so I know how you feel! 😀

     
    • Red? Aye!

      November 16, 2009 at 2:02 pm

      “would it shock you to bits to discover…” — I wish, but not really. 😀 Because you’d already divulged (three months back, on that post about desi men and hygiene) that there’s no love lost between you and Seinfeld. But then why did I do it again?

      Well, lemme see. One of two reasons, possibly.

      1) I was in denial.

      2) I caught Dylan Thomas spinning in his grave (thanks to your decision to “go gently into the [good] night”, cue: Sharmila post), so decided to redress that by having you somehow see red. Now, the easiest way to play matador to Mata (yes you, meri Ammi!) would be to wave the “Seinfeld” muleta, no? 😛

      Tell me you’re not raging, if ever so politely, in your comment (which, for all practical purposes, I perceived thus: “Look. I hate Seinfeld. I’ve told you so already but you wouldn’t listen. Why don’t you just take him and shove him where the sun don’t shine?”)… tee hee!

       
  20. naren

    November 14, 2009 at 6:20 am

    Gahahaha! What a guy! Loved this post!

     
  21. the mad momma

    November 15, 2009 at 7:44 am

    Everyday I think I can’t be shocked any further, someone pulls the rug out from under my feet. Who do these two think they’re fooling?

     
  22. Amrita

    November 16, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    RA – hhahaha! Sorry, but that ship will just have to sail without me on board. I sometimes think about sitting through an entire episode but I really, sincerely dislike Jerry Seinfeld and his whiny ways. I don’t find him funny in person when he’s doing talkshows, and I don’t care for his movies. I hope you don’t break up with me 😦

    Naren – last person on earth, right?

    MM – thats what I want to know! The book’s coming out, the excerpts are running all over the place and he still has no clue? PLEASE!

     
    • pitu

      November 16, 2009 at 3:51 pm

      I can’t stand Seinfeld either. He thinks he’s all that. He ain’t. And it’s really annoying to realise he’s modeled his entire persona on Larry David, the creator of Seinfeld, the show. I am a huge ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ fan. Watching Larry instead of Jerry is like swooning over Hrithik instead of yawning at the Baweja boy.

       
      • Red? Aye!

        November 16, 2009 at 6:35 pm

        I love what you wrote, Pitu. I’m a huge Larry David fan too (after watching a couple epis of Curb while visiting relatives… we almost came back and got HBO, well.. almost!). That Hrithik-Harman (Hurman?) analogy is apropos! lol.

        Surprising as it may sound, I’m actually with the two of you ladies, as far as disliking whiny Jerry goes — I mean, he’s the guy who singularly ruined the Bee movie for me. But *despite* his annoying presence, I somehow fell for that show. So when I say I love Seinfeld, what I actually mean is, with all those individually annoying people (most of whom branched out of that show to create their own annoying shows, none of which I could sit through without throwing up), that show somehow managed to string together something that speaks to me on many levels. Maybe it’s Larry at the helm that I’m really loving. Maybe it’s those two writing wizards (whose names escape me now), whose work I’m subconsciously marveling at.

        So yeah, it’s the show, NOT the man (oh Jesus, no!) that does it for me. And somehow (don’t ask me how) I’m able to separate one from the other inside my head. (With something like ‘Curb Your Enthusiam’ though, that would be a difficult thing to do, I think, coz Larry David IS the show.)

         
        • pitu

          November 16, 2009 at 6:58 pm

          Excellent points! I am relieved to hear you like the show, not the guy Sienfeld. Because I like it too. I don’t love it the way I love CUE. ( I can quote from CUE in my sleep at 3am) But yes, those silly Kramer and Newman are awesome. And it did have some very fun episodes (my faves are the junior mints one and the one where Newman decided to drive his mail van to California to turn in glass bottles for 1 cent or whatever). But ya, the genius behind it all was Larry. And he IS the show in CUE as you rightly said.

          I guess being a MASSIVE Larry fan, I’m a little resentful of Jerry because I feel like he stole the persona and made his millions off of someone else, know what I mean? Like if Hrithik had made 2 good films and retired and then Baweja became a superstar piggybacking on him and the world was full of Baweja fans. I’d be pissed 😀 Speaking of Larry, have you seen his new movie ‘Whatever Works’? It’s AWESOME 😀

           
          • Gradwolf

            November 17, 2009 at 12:48 am

            As a Woody Allen fanboy shall I spoil the party saying the man behind Whatever Works is Woody Allen and I am tempted to make the Jerry-Larry analogy of Seinfeld to this one? But poor Amrita, I’ll let you two Larry fans live 😛

             
            • pitu

              November 17, 2009 at 1:02 am

              Well, it’s true he made it. But the ‘jaan’ of WW is Larry. Who could Woody have cast in that role who’d have made it work?

               
    • Red? Aye!

      November 17, 2009 at 1:59 pm

      “I hope you don’t break up with me” — Am I missing the latest in relationship trends, thanks to my troglodyte existence? I mean, since when has not liking the same things become the #1 cause of break-ups? 😀

      In other words, worry not. Humaara yeh jo janam janmon ka rishta hai, isey thodna mushkil hi nahin, naamumkin hai. (What? A bit of Bol Baby Bol banter? I’m clearly hungover still!) 😛

      Pitu/Adi: Thanks for tipping me off on Whatever Works — a Larry-Woody collab, eh?… ooooh wheeee!!! A will not/must not/ should not miss (speaking of which I have tons of catching up to do on both their works, especially Woody’s).

       
  23. sachita

    November 17, 2009 at 4:22 am

    “This was his way of coming out of his other relationships and demolishing class differences.” – in all these 2000 years none of the the evil zamindaars could ever come up with this!

    watever was the mercury raising serial you had described the other day – oh god i dread the copy of this mumbai mirror in ekta’s hands. \

     
    • pitu

      November 17, 2009 at 2:50 pm

      Bairi Piya 😀 Also, anyone seen the ole Benegal film ‘Nishaant’? Fab movie.

       
  24. ख़ुराफाती कीड़ा

    November 17, 2009 at 8:35 am

    brilliant!! enjoyed every bit of it.

    Why don’t you write the gossip columns for some magazine or newspaper ? You are amazing!! You should get paid for writing this good. Remember what joker said in ‘The Dark Knight’…’If you are good at something, don’t do it for free.’

    Cheers!

     
 
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