Daily Archives: August 24, 2009

Hands Off My Bed


Is there anything worse than having to make your bed?

Don’t get me wrong. I love a freshly made bed and would have new sheets on everyday if I could just bring myself to do it – which I can’t. No, scratch that. I obviously can because there’s no shortage of sheets in my home (lovely, cottony ones that are oh-so-soft to touch in cool, inviting colors. I adore my sheets!) and I have the requisite number of hands but when I weigh my love for crisply folded bed linen that still retains the warmth and aroma of new laundry against the effort required to get it on my bed… yeesh. The amount of laziness that steals over me reaches catatonia levels.

It might be puzzling to some since it’s probably the easiest of all household chores but I’d rather wash the dishes, do the laundry (as long as there’s a washing machine and a dryer, obviously. I draw the line and beating the dirt out of my unoffending clothes by smashing them on a cement block or a bathroom floor or wherever it is they wash clothes the old-fashioned way these days), dust the electronics, arrange the flowers, run to the supermarket or hang new draperies… but put me in front of a bed and I don’t want to have anything to do with it other than crawl in there and go to sleep.

Ah, sleep. I have a cousin who keeps telling me things like “there’s always time to sleep when you’re dead” and other dismal sayings, but I pay him no mind. To have your own bed, of the correct size and firmness, one you chose and tested and bought per your liking, and to sleep in it is one of the greatest pleasures a person can experience. Sleep isn’t something you do to pass away the night hours, it’s your rightful reward for a day spent on your feet (or backside if you work in an office – either / or)!

And to do it in a freshly made bed – the sheets tightly tucked into hospital corners without a wrinkle to mar the surface, the covers cozily folded to form a cocoon to your liking, the pillows plumped and smelling sweetly of your favorite detergent… mmmm. Everything feels so clean! Not in a sterile way, unless you’re into hospital chic for your bedroom, but in a warm, inviting way.

But the real cherry on top is when someone else does all this for you. Anybody can whip the sheets out the linen closet and drag it over the bed for themselves. But when you enter your bedroom to find it all done and waiting for you, it’s like a mini-miracle just took place! Like Santa paid you a visit and instead of getting you some dumb tie or tights or rubbish candy, he made your bed instead! Hooray!

In fact, I’ve often wondered why people have sex in their beds – the world is so full of possibilities if you want to get laid, why would you want to mess up your bed? Do it in the kitchen! Do it on the roof! Do it on the patio and wonder if you’re shocking the neighbors! Rent yourself a hotel room – it’ll be like you’re having an affair!

Cuddle away if you like – although I’d have to be really invested in a relationship before I let someone rub their dead skin cells, eczema, rashes, whatever other gross sheet-violating thing they have on their body, all over my nice, pristine bed – but why disturb the peace of your one sanctuary in the whole world with things that require effort? I mean, you could just lie there and let it all happen without any active participation but if you’re that disinterested, you should learn a very useful word in the English language: “No”.

Hmmm. This might be why I’m single.


Posted by on August 24, 2009 in Personal