The Indian Male: Fixt!

04 Aug
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“Indian men are ugly on account of the three Hs: hygiene, hair and horrible habits.” — Mukul Kesavan, author of The Ugliness of the Indian Male and Other Propositions, as quoted in Why Indian Men Are Still Boys, a blistering and depressing new article on Tehelka.

Dear Indian Men – do not be distressed! Let me help you!

1. Hygiene

  • Change underwear. Daily. Mummy was not “in a mood” when she asked you to do that.
  • Pouring water on oneself is not bathing. Use soap and a loofah to scrub if you can find one.
  • Deodorant. It is not perfume, just spritz a generous amount under your arm.
  • Cut down on the cologne. You know how they tell you on TV that women like big manly men who smell like musk or whatever? They lie. It just makes us think you must be hiding something. If you’re still worried about smelling good, then once you land a girl, ask her what she likes and spray that on.
  • Dental hygiene will win you bonus points. No woman wants to tongue yesterday’s dal roti.
  • Contrary to what you might have heard, your fingers will not fall off if you trim your nails. Nor will the universe end if you properly dispose of your nail clippings.
  • Do not pick your nose in public.

2. Hair

  • Do you have a favorite movie star whose hair you covet? Never ask your barber to give you that hairstyle.
  • Condition your hair with oil. And then remember to wash it off.
  • If you’re going to gel your hair (to impress your buddies presumably because women are seriously over it), use a good quality gel. Say No to grease!
  • Shampoo + Conditioner = are always welcome at the little party thrown by Mr. Deodorant.
  • The brush only wants to help.

3. Horrible Habits

  • Query returned “unknown data”. Subject matter too vast.
  • Sorry.

As the review of Kesavan’s book points out, if you’re reading this then chances are you don’t need the reminder. Of course, if all of the above seems like too much work, you could always ask your mother to find you a girl. Because, Kesavan says, “Despite the way they look, they’re always paired off with goodlooking women”.

Them and all those tubby leads on American sitcoms.

[Thanks to Filmiholic for the link]


Posted by on August 4, 2009 in Life


30 responses to “The Indian Male: Fixt!

  1. Eleventh Commandment

    August 4, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    “Thou shalt not pick”… in public. Oh poor Seinfeld! 😀

    Speaking of hygiene, “One of the great mysteries to me,” says Seinfeld, is the fact that a woman can pour hot wax on her legs, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider!” Didn’t you throw light on this “mystery” already?

  2. pitu

    August 4, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Mr Kesavan shd have mentioned the most disgusting habit- adjusting one’s balls in public. EWWWWWWWWWW!

  3. Chevalier

    August 4, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Horrible Habits:

    Defining Indian male pub(l)ic behavior-

  4. Hairyhygenicnshitloadhab

    August 4, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    thats what she said… 😛

  5. rads

    August 4, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    LOL! I so am printing this off for future use. I am the mother of a son after all!

  6. sachita

    August 4, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    Loofah? really? Men cant be made to use shower gel instead of soap without them feeling threatened about their masculinity. Loofah could be on suggested list, dont push your luck too far:)
    Pitu has added the prime point. 🙂

  7. Kokonad

    August 4, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Adjusting balls in public? Awww. 😦 Guys will defend that it is required to restore symmetry! 😀
    I vaguely remember a friend telling me that Sex and the City did a piece on it…

  8. Nandini Vishwanath

    August 4, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    I agree.

  9. Kk

    August 4, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    From the Tehelka article:
    “Indian men are only required to be sons”

    I blame the Patriarchy.

  10. Shivani

    August 5, 2009 at 3:07 am

    Also (under hygiene) clean, nice-smelling & occassionally pedicured feet wouldn’t hurt at all! Of course not wearing 4 day old gym socks is a solution, but then that’s a problem in itself 😀

    @ Pitu: You’ve hit the nail on it’s head

  11. Sheela Shenoy

    August 5, 2009 at 4:31 am

    Eating food with mouth open. Lots of sound effects, none of them appealing.

    Sneezing without covering breathing apparatus with handkerchief, causing loved one to be sprayed with – how to put this delicately – droplets of dread, and causing loved one to rethink the love part.

    Pitu’s point, of course. Also leaving fly open and the tail of tucked in shirt peeping out.

  12. sraboneyghose

    August 5, 2009 at 5:00 am

    Horrible habits:

    – scratching their balls in public
    – spitting
    – peeing on the roads – moms and dads, please tell your sons that using a bathroom is not optional and that public places are not loos
    – peeing outside the toilet bowl when they do use a bathroom

  13. Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!?

    August 5, 2009 at 5:03 am

    Erm…I think the hair in question is ‘body hair’…as in stinky armpits, hairy backs and various others.

    But then again, I might think wrong!!

    As for the habits section? Definitely way too vast!! 🙂

  14. ramesh

    August 5, 2009 at 6:05 am

    haha but that’s a talent .. being able to pee outside the toilet bowl despite it’s size .. and the day chaps stop peeing on the roads, our water table will plummet to new depths ..

  15. DewdropDream

    August 5, 2009 at 6:29 am

    Here’s what I find depressing: The men who would read this book, don’t really need to read it. And the men who desperately need the gyan in it, wouldn’t read it.

    Still, maybe Kesavan will appear on the news and spread the word and maybe even get his own reality show where some choice specimens get makeovers…

    I’m wondering if ‘staring at everything remotely female’ is listed under ‘horrible habits’. Would go a long way in helping specimens in question.

    I’m telling you, ‘Conversation with the opposite sex’ is a subject that needs to be introduced in the curriculum… high time indeed!

  16. Amey

    August 5, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Are you telling me we need to pick our noses in public and bath in cologne to get goodloking women? I need to change my habits, pronto.

  17. DewdropDream

    August 5, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Umm Amey, if you MUST go that route then allow me to recommend the Burger King product of deodorant that smells like … well what BK is known for. Piers Morgan endorsed it, should work 😀

  18. memsaab

    August 5, 2009 at 10:53 am

    I read that article, and it was soooo depressing. People often say to me that I should marry an Indian man, and it’s all I can do to keep from screaming 🙂 (well, to be fair, that’s how I feel about American men too, although for different reasons)…

    • pitu

      August 5, 2009 at 1:47 pm

      U could try to snag one from the decent minority. Being gori you’d get the pick of the crop anyway and you shd make Gemma the Ultimate Decision Maker. I see potential for a reality show here! We cud name it ‘Desi babu, Videshi mem aur Gemma ji’

      • memsaab

        August 5, 2009 at 3:15 pm

        Hahahahahaaa! I don’t know that I would trust Gemma that far. Sometimes she gives me distinctly snotty looks, and I am not completely sure she’d have MY best interests at heart 🙂 Anyway, if it were someone from the decent minority as you say then I would hope that just my being gori would not be much of an advantage!

        I do love the reality show title and premise though.

    • Amey

      August 5, 2009 at 4:07 pm

      Depressing? Try “sensational”. Can you generalize and stereotype 50% of population any more?

      • memsaab

        August 6, 2009 at 8:07 am

        Truly you have a point there too!!!! 🙂

  19. AnuK

    August 5, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    please publish a book 🙂

  20. AnuK

    August 5, 2009 at 10:47 pm


  21. Gradwolf

    August 6, 2009 at 4:12 am


  22. Idling in Top Gear

    August 8, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Perhaps the article isn’t focused on the metro-bred Indian yuppie kids that you see overflowing out of every mall and Cafe Coffee Day?

    Yes, on the whole, the majority of Indian people (yes, women too) have very poor hygiene and bad hair & horrible habits, but I would assume that would be a rarity among upper-middle-class city-bred youngsters who are very image conscious.

    • Amey

      August 8, 2009 at 7:52 pm

      Quoting from article:

      Evidence is, the urban Indian male hasn’t really changed.

      The one who wearing designer shirts, drinks in designer bars

  23. D

    August 10, 2009 at 8:49 am

    I think you misunderstood the bit about hair. I’m sure the author wasn’t talking about the hair on the head but other sundry body parts where hair doesn’t look so pretty! How about tips to take care of those unwanted hair 😛

  24. Amrita

    August 11, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Hee, I see all of you have your own pet peeves!

    EC – I knew there was a reason I never got into that show! I dont know about the spider bit but I think I did write about waxing! Oversharing: totes me!

    Pitu / Chevalier / Shivani / Sheela / Bones – oh ew! yes! to all of the above!

    Ramesh – GROSS!!!! 😀

    Mamma / D – you think? I try not to think about it so it could well be!

    Idling in TG – if there’s one thing that I would ask every Indian to think about, irrespective of gender, it’s deo. Generally everyone tubs properly but given the heat…

    Memsaab – hee, you and Rakhi Sawant could play life swap. Pitu can be the creative brain behind it!

    Amey – I think it’s a huge mashup of an article where she’s talking about five different things in one breath. So she’s talking about yuppies and their patriarchy-fed umbilical cords and Kesavan is talking about something else entirely. But yes, pls do tell me if the BK cologne works!

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