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Interviews Are Not For Everyone

13 Jul

You know, I try. I really try. Every so often I’ll read an interview that makes me think: What the hell is wrong with this moron? And then I’ll try really hard to give them the benefit of the doubt – maybe there’s some nuance I’m missing, they’re nervous, the magazine edited it wrong, I should pay more attention to the context…

It’s often an uphill task but I can usually find extenuating circumstances. But sometimes, a moron is simply being a douche. No help for it. Like Tusshar Kapoor’s interview in the July 8, 2009 issue of Filmfare, for example. (Psst! Does anyone know of a link? I fear posterity will never believe this phantasmagoria of a celebrity interview without hard proof.)

I know! I know! It’s my own fault! I brought it down on my own head. In my defense I was bored and I thought I was about to read a fluff piece on a dorky person. Who knew I was being granted an audience with a Master Douchebag? Not me.

The interview starts out innocuously enough with the usual “Who knew I, a star son whose sister is a famous producer, would end up in the movies? This is such a surprise to me!” stuff before it suddenly takes a turn for the bizarre when Kapoor admits he was rather “touched” by Ralph Fiennes’ role in The Reader. Coz this then gives the interviewer an in to say:

Speaking of being touched, what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done in bed?

What? I swear to God.

This, of course, puts Kapoor at something of a disadvantage because he knows and we know that no matter how he spins it, the Indian version of a 16 year old chikna with a sexy illiterate auntie evokes shades of Savita Bhabhi rather than Kate Winslet (or, even worse, Shiney Ahuja rather than Fiennes). Although:

I don’t know about naughty but I can be very rough in bed. Some people like it rough. Maybe I’m not as caring as I come across in day-to-day life. I like forcing the other party into something that they don’t want to do or may not have done before. Let’s just say, just as I’m not shy in front of the camera, I’m not shy in bed either.

Yup.

This then segues into a short discussion about how he’s a boy-next-door who’s willing to strip off as long as it’s “not sensationalized” and how he’s willing to jump all over the casting couch for the right role – as long as it’s the right gender. Because, as he so penetratingly observes, with vaginas involved it’s just another way to score chicks:

Well if it’s a guy I wouldn’t. That’s too much of a compromise. If it’s a girl then you’re not just doing it for work. It’s like ek teer se do nishane (killing two birds with one stone).

At this, the interviewer asks him about playing a policeman. Don’t ask me why. I’m probably missing some sort of sexual subtext in the question and I’m too busy being grateful to examine it too deeply. So, obviously, the next question is this:

How profound…Have you ever dressed in drag?

At this point, I don’t know who I’d like to disembowel first – the interviewer or the interviewee. But fear not! Kapoor clears that up for me, right quick:

No, never. I hated the experience of dressing up like a woman in Golmaal Returns. Especially wearing those fake titties and then getting into the tight outfit. Then there was the chinky white make-up and eye tape. Hats off to the heroines who do this day in and day out. I’m really glad I’m a guy; I wouldn’t want to be a girl for even a day.

However, he goes on to say, his sister, who is an unlucky girl type person albeit of the non “chinky white make-up and eye tape” kind, and he are very well brought up and never throw things at people when they lose their temper although he’s “aggressive” and “she knows how to call a spade a spade” although she very kindly apologizes for that later on because she’s lovely like that.

This is spade.

This is spade.With the one on the left, you dig your grave. With the one on the right you play your cards. You're welcome.

Then there’s some stuff about how solo-leads are so yesterday as Rock On! has apparently proven before the interviewer comes back to his favorite subject.

If you were born again and you had a chance to be either gay or bisexual, which one would you choose?

Will nobody take this clueless child out to the garden and explain that this interview is an elaborate exercise in examining how he is such a huge Maybe Gaybe without the Maybe? Apparently not because the Jean-Paul Sartre of our generation says:

I don’t know how it is to be either. I think it’s most comfortable to be heterosexual. I can’t choose. I have a lot of gay friends; I know homosexuality is not a mental disorder; it’s a way of being. There’s just such a hue and cry about it, a gay person has to adjust in society. To avoid that hassle it’s better to be heterosexual. It’s harder for gay people. I’ll get some flak from them if this is misrepresented.

Ye gads! So simple, you stupids!

It’s like the self-edit button is jammed or something, isn’t it? Not that he need worry because the interviewer assures him:

Have no fear; we’re not into misquoting people at Filmfare. Though some other journos have speculated about your sexuality…

Curse you, Some Other Journos! Boo! Hiss! We don’t care for Some Other Journos! And to prove it, they then talk about how the media are assholes and Kapoor is above it all because he believes in himself. He loves himself so much, in fact, that he doesn’t really want to play any superheroes even, but if you twisted his arm then he’d play Batman because he likes the “comeback, underdog story”.

[Dear Batman fans: do not ask me what this means. I gave up on this shit about two questions in. XOXO!]

After he’s explained that he’s an actor who doesn’t aspire to play anyone else, he shares the fact that he is psychic has advanced intuition just like his friend Sunita Menon who is a grown woman who makes her living reading tarot cards. We are given undeniable proof of his abilities when he mysteriously divines that the interviewer is a townie with a few Parsi friends – and guess what?

The man totally is a townie and he’s half-Parsi to boot!

OMG!!! FREAKY!!!

In conclusion, he wishes all those illiterate people would stop having so many childruns who don’t go to school and thus have more childruns and so on until we’re all people and no country. Furthermore:

Q. Is fun positive?

TK. Cool. I trust you.

The End.

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22 Comments

Posted by on July 13, 2009 in Celebrity

 

22 responses to “Interviews Are Not For Everyone

  1. memsaab

    July 13, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    That apple doesn’t seem to have fallen far from the tree.

     
  2. Children of a Lesser God

    July 13, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    Please oh please will someone teach the totally-deaf-to-mores-or-reason Tushar (not to mention his interviewer) to speak, before more of us die of spasmodic explosions wracking our bodies as a direct result of reading this piece?

    Seriously. Forget about being gay or bi, tears were rolling down my cheeks so bad, I wasn’t even sure if the “instinct” was a laugh or a cry!

    “…the Jean-Paul Sartre of our generation” — laugh/cry some more…where’s that effing box of Kleenex? (Note to self: Schedule Costco run.)

    P.S: Seems to me, with this whole Supreme Court case thing (that I’m so not following outside of this blog), every “up and coming” male Bollywoodian is feeling some sort of compunction (in his groin?) about simply going about his business without transforming into a blithering baboon in a sorry attempt to salvage his “straight” image.

    “He loves himself so much..” — Hmmm…what did you say his next movie’s title translates to, in English? “Onanist Monologues”?

     
  3. bollyviewer

    July 13, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Douchebag is probably too polite a term for him, but he sure makes good copy! Do find us a link to the terri-terview, I want to see if its as much fun as your write-up makes it sound. 🙂

     
  4. sraboneyghose

    July 14, 2009 at 12:33 am

    What were you doing reading Filmfare? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry…What a douche bag…

     
  5. Gradwolf

    July 14, 2009 at 3:16 am

    ROFL@ M’s comment.

    Playing a policeman? Probably because the only one good character he’s done from that only one good film in his resume, is that of a policeman. Remember Khakhee?

     
  6. desigirl

    July 14, 2009 at 4:29 am

    Whatever will I do without you to gladden my life with your pithy turn of phrase, Ams?

     
  7. Amey

    July 14, 2009 at 10:06 am

    Wow… and wow. Am I missing some theme or connect between these questions, or are they as disconnected as the last Q&A?

     
  8. Ramsu

    July 14, 2009 at 11:43 am

    Somewhere in the afterlife, a man named Kinsey is going “Muahahahaha…”

    That line about not misquoting people in Filmfare is interesting. It’s as if the interviewer said (in not so many words), “Listen dude, you’re giving me some stuff that you’re probably not gonna want printed. And if you complain later, I’m gonna stick to my guns and say you said all this.” All that was left out was the part about having the right to an attorney.

    Now that I think of it, it seems entirely possible that Tusshar was nicknamed Tushy as a kid. That might explain a heck of a lot.

     
  9. ramesh

    July 14, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    you actually read the whole thing … but then filmfare is regularly full of these gems ..

     
  10. dipali

    July 14, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Blechhhh at both interviewer and interviewee:(

     
  11. Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!?

    July 14, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    You have just given me a couple more reasons to hate this speciman of a constipated craphole…I didn’t even think that was possible!

     
  12. M

    July 14, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    wow – charming sample ….but am feeling particularly jaded – this interview will probably win some award for being “so honest and upfront” – if Kambakth Ishq can be a superhit….

    M

     
  13. Beth

    July 14, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Fun positive, Amrita! I trust you!

    And I most sincerely admire you for delving into this mess and finding a way to have a good time with it (or at least provide your readers with one). I’m of the mind that no movie/book/tv show is a complete waste if you get a quotable line from it, and there are some DOOZIES here, so my film reader/writer hard hat is off to you for making it through the mines to find the ore. THE ORE OF RIDICULOUSNESS, but still!

    This is precisely why I tend not to read movie star (“star”) interviews. What would become of us if we ever did get a chance to talk to our favorite Kapoor and he said things like this? We’d have to throw ourselves under a bus!

     
  14. sachita

    July 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    buh.. they were born for each other – the interviewer and interviewee. janam janam ka rishta, though tushar outdid himself here:)
    ps:one of these days i will dig up subhash ghai and maniratnam’s four line interview on how bad a interviewer can be. After that i never question why Mani doesnt do as many interviews:)

     
  15. rads

    July 14, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Lady. I demand a link. I shall not believe that they make them so dumb and then we actually pay precious time to read this nincompoopery. 😐

    ..the again, I laughed after I dropped my jaw a few dozen times. So waqt vasool? 😉

     
  16. Gradwolf

    July 15, 2009 at 1:33 am

    Oh how about this

    😉

     
  17. DewdropDream

    July 15, 2009 at 4:52 am

    “Tushy” HAHA!!!! I can’t remember the last celeb interview I read actually… they all seem to be so awful.

     
  18. Banno

    July 15, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Is that real or is that real?

     
  19. pitu

    July 15, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    OMFG! Are you kidding me?????????????????? HAHAHHAHAHAA!!

     
  20. Amrita

    July 15, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    Memsaab – even the tree is looking askance at this one little apple.

    CaLG – (should be a Lesser Star!) I blame KJo! It all started with his dumb Kantaben act in Kal Ho Na Ho and voila! Bollywood discovered the power of the The Gay. And now that’s all they have to talk about if they want to be thought “daring”. Dumbos.

    BV – I’m sure I’ve seen a site for them where they post interviews but it seems to be down. Soon as I get one, I’ll update. Coz in this case, seeing is really believing.

    Bones – I was jobless. But I have now learned my lesson.

    Adithya – yes! that’s what they were talking about. But I still don’t know what that has to do with anything. Like ANYTHING.

    DG – I often wonder the same thing! 😛

    Amey – dude, you’ll never believe it until you see it. it’s that screwy. You should have seen my face as I was reading this.

    Ramsu – hee hee! I dont know about before but Tushy is what I’m going to call him from now o.

    Ramesh – I am veyla! This is proof.

    Dipali – thats pretty much how I felt!

    Mamma – only a couple? I must not be doing something right.

    M – KI is a superhit? In which universe?

    Beth – Naheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen! Yeh paap hai! Sob!

    Sachita – there’s a subhash ghai / maniratnam interview? Why have I not seen this awesomeness?!

    Rads – pls don’t make me scan the bloody thing and put it up! It’s only going to take up space. Maybe some fan of Tushy;s will do the needful.

    Adithya – that chick is a few short of a dozen.

    3D – well, there’s that Gerard Butler interview in this month’s Esquire that’s pretty hilarious coz they sent out this guy who doesn’t watch any movies to go interview him and he literally walked in and was like, “Um. What do you do for a living, Gerry?”

    Banno – unfortunately, it’s real 😦

    Pitu – yup. 😀

     
  21. Sumedha

    July 16, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    I tried to find a link, but I couldn’t!! My god, I can’t believe that an interviewer can ask such stupid questions, or that an interviewee can actually match the stupid questions with equally stupid answers!! I thought that most actors employ a publicity person.. someone who tried to keep their image right. HOW the hell did this interview escape the notice of Tusshar’s agent??

     
 
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