You know, I try. I really try. Every so often I’ll read an interview that makes me think: What the hell is wrong with this moron? And then I’ll try really hard to give them the benefit of the doubt – maybe there’s some nuance I’m missing, they’re nervous, the magazine edited it wrong, I should pay more attention to the context…
It’s often an uphill task but I can usually find extenuating circumstances. But sometimes, a moron is simply being a douche. No help for it. Like Tusshar Kapoor’s interview in the July 8, 2009 issue of Filmfare, for example. (Psst! Does anyone know of a link? I fear posterity will never believe this phantasmagoria of a celebrity interview without hard proof.)
I know! I know! It’s my own fault! I brought it down on my own head. In my defense I was bored and I thought I was about to read a fluff piece on a dorky person. Who knew I was being granted an audience with a Master Douchebag? Not me.
The interview starts out innocuously enough with the usual “Who knew I, a star son whose sister is a famous producer, would end up in the movies? This is such a surprise to me!” stuff before it suddenly takes a turn for the bizarre when Kapoor admits he was rather “touched” by Ralph Fiennes’ role in The Reader. Coz this then gives the interviewer an in to say:
Speaking of being touched, what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done in bed?
What? I swear to God.
This, of course, puts Kapoor at something of a disadvantage because he knows and we know that no matter how he spins it, the Indian version of a 16 year old chikna with a sexy illiterate auntie evokes shades of Savita Bhabhi rather than Kate Winslet (or, even worse, Shiney Ahuja rather than Fiennes). Although:
I don’t know about naughty but I can be very rough in bed. Some people like it rough. Maybe I’m not as caring as I come across in day-to-day life. I like forcing the other party into something that they don’t want to do or may not have done before. Let’s just say, just as I’m not shy in front of the camera, I’m not shy in bed either.
This then segues into a short discussion about how he’s a boy-next-door who’s willing to strip off as long as it’s “not sensationalized” and how he’s willing to jump all over the casting couch for the right role – as long as it’s the right gender. Because, as he so penetratingly observes, with vaginas involved it’s just another way to score chicks:
Well if it’s a guy I wouldn’t. That’s too much of a compromise. If it’s a girl then you’re not just doing it for work. It’s like ek teer se do nishane (killing two birds with one stone).
At this, the interviewer asks him about playing a policeman. Don’t ask me why. I’m probably missing some sort of sexual subtext in the question and I’m too busy being grateful to examine it too deeply. So, obviously, the next question is this:
How profound…Have you ever dressed in drag?
At this point, I don’t know who I’d like to disembowel first – the interviewer or the interviewee. But fear not! Kapoor clears that up for me, right quick:
No, never. I hated the experience of dressing up like a woman in Golmaal Returns. Especially wearing those fake titties and then getting into the tight outfit. Then there was the chinky white make-up and eye tape. Hats off to the heroines who do this day in and day out. I’m really glad I’m a guy; I wouldn’t want to be a girl for even a day.
However, he goes on to say, his sister, who is an unlucky girl type person albeit of the non “chinky white make-up and eye tape” kind, and he are very well brought up and never throw things at people when they lose their temper although he’s “aggressive” and “she knows how to call a spade a spade” although she very kindly apologizes for that later on because she’s lovely like that.
Then there’s some stuff about how solo-leads are so yesterday as Rock On! has apparently proven before the interviewer comes back to his favorite subject.
If you were born again and you had a chance to be either gay or bisexual, which one would you choose?
Will nobody take this clueless child out to the garden and explain that this interview is an elaborate exercise in examining how he is such a huge Maybe Gaybe without the Maybe? Apparently not because the Jean-Paul Sartre of our generation says:
I don’t know how it is to be either. I think it’s most comfortable to be heterosexual. I can’t choose. I have a lot of gay friends; I know homosexuality is not a mental disorder; it’s a way of being. There’s just such a hue and cry about it, a gay person has to adjust in society. To avoid that hassle it’s better to be heterosexual. It’s harder for gay people. I’ll get some flak from them if this is misrepresented.
Ye gads! So simple, you stupids!
It’s like the self-edit button is jammed or something, isn’t it? Not that he need worry because the interviewer assures him:
Have no fear; we’re not into misquoting people at Filmfare. Though some other journos have speculated about your sexuality…
Curse you, Some Other Journos! Boo! Hiss! We don’t care for Some Other Journos! And to prove it, they then talk about how the media are assholes and Kapoor is above it all because he believes in himself. He loves himself so much, in fact, that he doesn’t really want to play any superheroes even, but if you twisted his arm then he’d play Batman because he likes the “comeback, underdog story”.
[Dear Batman fans: do not ask me what this means. I gave up on this shit about two questions in. XOXO!]
After he’s explained that he’s an actor who doesn’t aspire to play anyone else, he shares the fact that he is psychic has advanced intuition just like his friend Sunita Menon who is a grown woman who makes her living reading tarot cards. We are given undeniable proof of his abilities when he mysteriously divines that the interviewer is a townie with a few Parsi friends – and guess what?
The man totally is a townie and he’s half-Parsi to boot!
In conclusion, he wishes all those illiterate people would stop having so many childruns who don’t go to school and thus have more childruns and so on until we’re all people and no country. Furthermore:
Q. Is fun positive?
TK. Cool. I trust you.