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A Baby is NOT Your Friend

17 Jun

baby

I’m an aunt once more. To a beautiful little girl who took her own sweet time to make an appearance but didn’t mind letting her mom know at great length that she was contemplating her arrival.

“Nearly six pounds,” said my cousin with some awe, radiant and glowing but clearly in pain as I studied her brand new baby, all swaddled up and cute as could be. “Mother always told me my first delivery was way too easy,” she laughed with the childbirth-version of gallows humor, “but this one took care of that.”

“Hmm,” said Ma. “This one was eight pounds,” she said casually, indicating poor little me.

My head whipped around as my cousin’s jaw dropped in horror.

Eight pounds?” I squeaked, taking another look at the sleeping infant who suddenly seemed very, very large for a newborn child.

It’s true that I’m taller than the rest of the women in our family, frequently towering over them in my beloved heels like a rampaging T-Rex over a herd of bright-spotted deer, but didn’t all babies at least start out the approximate same size? Was I the giant of the baby ward as well? Ignominy.

“But how did you manage?” asked my cousin, wide-eyed as her mother made tsk-ing sounds. “I mean, they were ready to slit me open because this baby was so large.”

Slit open, I mouthed to myself. Slit what open? They couldn’t be saying what I thought they were saying!

“Yes,” said my mother. “They did slit me open. She had to come out, you know.” She shuddered. “The pain of it!”

“Was the she the one they had to use forceps to extract?” my aunt wanted to know.

Forceps? Was my mother pregnant in the 19th century?

“No,” said Ma. “That was the other one. The doctor just plonked herself in front of me as I sat in the stirrups and pushed it in. I had no idea what was going on!”

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So this is why they don’t tell you anything about pregnancy and childbirth beforehand.

My mother looked at the expression on my face. “But really, apart from her size, she was very easy. I didn’t even know I was having contractions – I just went to get my check-up done and the doctor told me I was all ready to give birth.”

Too late, Baby Mafia, too late! I’m on to you now!

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21 Comments

Posted by on June 17, 2009 in Personal

 

21 responses to “A Baby is NOT Your Friend

  1. M

    June 17, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    My first was a 9-pounder – at 2 weeks early. Second was 8…and yes, I used to freak out at the idea as well – until it happenned – and the real advantage of the “desi-nari” figure became apparent!
    Wide Hips Rule! 😀

    M

     
  2. Broom

    June 17, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    I was an 8 pounder too. My poor mother.

     
  3. Sands

    June 17, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    My husband was a whopping 11 pounds and his mom stands at 4′ 9″ 🙂 Genes did carry through and mine were 9 pounds each. Thankfully they were both born c-section!!

     
  4. Kokonad

    June 17, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    *shudders*
    *shakes from within*
    *shudders*

    Btw, your post reminded me of this FRIENDS episode (I am surprised I remember stuff about this series I had seen over three years back!). This one was about Chandler thinking that a video titled “Candy & Cookie” was a sleazy video that Monica got him, when it was originally a birthing video! Time stamped to 0:48 min.

    Heh, Baby mafia! Nice! 🙂

    I know guys are really not supposed to make mirth of birth – you know, no uterus, no opinion… but I can’t help it! You make things funny!

     
    • Amey

      June 18, 2009 at 12:04 pm

      Mere mooh ki baat chhin li. What was weird was that he somehow ended up watching it 3-4 times over the episode. I bet cold showers in arctic got nothing over that… 😉

       
  5. Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!?

    June 17, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    “No, no, don’t listen to anyone — it really, REALLY is quite easy!! So don’t you worry!”

    *so says the woman who was cut open twice*

     
  6. sraboneyghose

    June 17, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    Even thought my daughter was only 2.55 kgs, I’m thankful I had a c-section…So, when people talk of labour etc., I just look blankly at them!

     
  7. Prasanth

    June 18, 2009 at 3:29 am

    duhh..where do the storks come in?
    😛
    Prasanth

     
    • On the "short" circuit!

      June 19, 2009 at 9:04 pm

      Well, right at the beginning of Up (that I finally watched yesterday, so SPOILER alert) is a short that showcases the whole clouds-up-there-fashioning-cottony-nothingness-into-babies-of-every-species-bundled-up-for-the-storks-to-drop-off phenomenon. (And yes, it not-surprisingly surpassed the movie in cuteness quotient alone.)

      Now I’m hoping this post is nothing if not Amrita reminding herself (yet again!) to put Up her review. 😀

       
  8. Gradwolf

    June 18, 2009 at 4:20 am

    Everyone is talking in pounds. Duh! I was 3 odd kgs apparently.

     
  9. desigirl

    June 18, 2009 at 4:45 am

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Ams!! *wipes tears of mirth off her eyes*

     
  10. DewdropDream

    June 18, 2009 at 5:03 am

    I don’t want to know about me, I refuse to ask my mum. I refuse to bring this topic up at all in fact.

    Baby mafia indeed! Read this: http://madamemahima.blogspot.com/2006/11/school-stories-part-2-crazy-mrs-t.html

     
  11. memsaab

    June 18, 2009 at 10:49 am

    I was at a party once and there was a hugely pregnant woman there too.

    My friend whispered to me: “Can you spell episiotomy?” and we fell about laughing. But all jokes aside: OW.

     
  12. Amey

    June 18, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    And I am onto the women mafia. This is just another way to emotionally blackmail your husbands, I am pretty sure 😉

     
  13. maxdavinci

    June 18, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    like all the guys in this let i’ll say something tangential while atempting to sound funny.

    kya kare, ladeej matter. Have no moral right to have an opinion!

    PS: thnx to gradwolf I callled my mom n asked how much I weighed. Sensing birth koschins she freaked out thinking her beta videsh jaa kar avivahit pita ban ne wala hain!

     
  14. sachita

    June 18, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    but .. but .. but i have never seen such cute mafia-wallahs. (planned c-section may be?)

     
  15. the mad momma

    June 19, 2009 at 12:55 am

    damn. are you sure we can’t fool you any longer?!

     
  16. Amrita

    June 19, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    M – I’ve never been so happy for my ginormous butt.

    Broom – I have new appreciation for her.

    Sands – did you say 11 pounds?! What made him come out? Was it time for the college essays?

    Koke – imagine passing a baby out of your body. Funny now? 😛 I remember that epi! I think that’s what froze all his sperm.

    Mamma – Aieeeeeeeeeee!!!

    Bones – I told my mother about epidurals and she won’t believe me. Says there’s no such thing. 😀

    Prasanth & Adithya – I hope you can feel the effects of my stink eye from where you’re sitting!

    DG – Don’t talk to me! You’re supposed to be telling me about these things!

    DDD – I knew you farted a lot during pregnancy but the pooping while popping is new. I’m traumatised.

    Memsaab – and you call me cruel!

    Amey – worse, it’s something to hold over your childruns. I’m not looking at my mother the same way, I assure you.

    Max – there needs to be a blog called Avivahit Pita! So how much did you weigh?

    Sachita – that’s how they get you! It’s like passing out free samples of coke at high school parties, my friend!

    TMM – You’ll never take me alive!!

     
  17. pitu

    June 19, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    My mom said the anesthesia kept her sane. She also thinks women who choose to have a drug-less delivery are lunatics. I agree :p

     
  18. dipali

    June 24, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    Am I glad I had to have C-sections!

     
  19. Amrita

    June 26, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    Pitu – your mom and I clearly think alike!

    Dipali – I have to wonder why my mom didn’t go in for one.

     
 
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