Mystery Solved!

09 Jun


Well, well. So this is what Ekta Kapoor meant when she said her shows were all based on reality. The Mumbai Mirror (clearly a newspaper that I need to read on a daily basis) has a potboiler of a story featuring:

  • Bahu (“The high-flying socialite Sheetal Mafatlal”)
  • Beta (“industrialist and Mafatlal Mills owner Atulya Mafatlal”)
  • Khandaan (erm, the Mafatlals, duh!)
  • Police (“arrested by customs authorities for carrying undisclosed jewellery worth Rs 53 lakh” which means she spent “two nights and one day in customs detention” before being moved to Byculla jail)
  • Family Feud (“Atulya [said] his wife was a victim of family feud”)

The story is full of heart-wrenching details, such as:

Sheetal found herself in jail – which was full of criminals! And not white-collar criminals either. Instead they were smelly, gutkha-chewing criminals who probably used her as a spittoon all night long.

Her lawyer is a moron who didn’t demand she be fed her special diet so she was forced to eat (or at least look at!) the dirty food they feed to the rabid animals in that horrible place – like dal, roti, something called “curry” and rice. Chee-chee.

Did you know prisons only come equipped with an ancient ventilation system known as a “ceiling fan” which moves so slowly that it barely stirs the air much less cools it?

There are mosquitoes in prison. Why doesn’t Tehelka do an expose on this menace to our society?

They make the inmates sleep on thin mattresses filled with inhuman torture materials like coir, even if the inmate is ravishingly booteephool and as innocent as a baby made of snow. She might as well have been in Gitmo!

When she finally emerged from this palace of horrors, she was so broken down, reporters could only identify her by her “over-sized bumblebee glasses”. But even that poor comfort was taken away from her by Robespierre’s Tribunal the court:

The Sheetal that walked out of court seemed eerily exposed. Gone was the jewellery, the watch, the shades. Seemingly in preparation for her stay at the Byculla women’s jail, where she would have to hand over her belongings, Sheetal took off her valuables.

That schnick-schnick sound you hear getting louder in the background is the ominous sound of the canaille of Mumbai setting up the guillotine. The Reign of Terror is almost upon us! Will no one pay heed?

Alas! Alas! No, because it turns out they’re all transfixed by the family feud. It’s not just any old family feud, you see – it’s this family feud featuring:

  • Lesbian / Transgendered Daughter! With fatty boobs? (Chatty, bitchy, medically illiterate society lady says: “Aparna underwent a hysterectomy at Breach Candy hospital and a liposuction for her breasts under Dr Gajiwala, but that doesn’t make her a man… In ’98, Aparna moved back into the main house and started calling herself Ajay.”)
  • OR! Just plain old Greedy Daughter (“[She] underwent a sex change… to stake claim as the elder son of the family. The trust… would have otherwise passed on to his youngest child Atulya, who was the only son.”) You decide!
  • Dukhiyaari Maa (“she and her ‘son’ Ajay feared being thrown out of the house”)

All right. I’m a grown-up. I can see when I have done someone wrong. Thus I would like to offer my apology to Ekta Kapoor. She was right – her serials are based on real life. In fact, I now see all her serials are based on just this one family’s real life.

PS – above photograph taken at Tusshar Kapoor’s “success bash” :mrgreen:  Click for more.


Posted by on June 9, 2009 in Entertainment, Newsmakers


19 responses to “Mystery Solved!

  1. pitu

    June 9, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Yuck, these Mafatlals I tell you. I’d read about them ages ago where it seemed their S. Mumbai wala property is literally partitioned down the middle so this Sheetal chick and her hubby have nuthin to do with dukhiyari ma and sex change wali/wala. No class whatsoever. Come to think of it all of the industrial families have such namoonas -even the high and mighty saintly Birlas have their black sheep – Neerja Birla is the bua of that Kasliwal chap who raped a lady in the S Kumar mill compound.

    As for Tushar Kapoor’s ‘success bash’ tee hee hee hee!

  2. sachita

    June 9, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    I read about this Sheetal’s(never heard of her before) arrest and was surprised because Indian custom officials dont routinely catch celebrities, like ever. Now, thanks to you I do know why. err…. these people.

    Just FYI, Ekta kapoor would never do this in her serial. Her real life might be another matter but in reel life she is the brand ambassador of indian customs(never would you spot a lady who has a day job), values and quite a few items that fall under customs office as well.

  3. Kokonad

    June 9, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    Ha ha ha! GPAUA.
    I read the whole thing keeping in mind the typical “Balaji Telefilms” camera that keeps
    a. Rushing at face at 45 degree angle
    b. Rushing at face at 135 degree angle
    c. Pans left to right
    d. Pans right to left
    e. Pans quickly from foot to face
    f. Does one full rotation clockwise
    g. Does one full rotation anticlockwise
    All with some accompanied lightning and thunder.
    (I am slightly dizzy now).
    [GPAUA: Great Post As Usual Amrita]

  4. Gagan

    June 9, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    this will sound weird but i was obsessed with sheetal maf when i was in India, well, in a quiet kind of longing way whenever i saw an image of her, certain looks appeal to all of us and she had it for me. Really don’t like any of that page 3 scene, and it all seems more absurd to me as time goes by… but sheetal maf still throws a wrench in it all, I can understand the word compromise when i look at her..still Yeah i understand she is probably completely vacuous in person and clearly is crooked to the nines …but against better judgement my inner voice finds itself shouting .. give her break.. ever read w somerset maugham’s of human bondage..though i have to admit the spell is otherwise broken.. 🙂 i am free.. but c’mon give her break hey

  5. Gradwolf

    June 10, 2009 at 1:04 am

    Oh, success bash? Success in?

    Kokonad missed the “astonished face” turning towards the camera. Repeat 5 times.

  6. bollyviewer

    June 10, 2009 at 2:07 am

    lol I am going to read Mumbai Mirror regularly too. They clearly know more than any other newspaper would let on. One mystery though, isnt solved. Why is Sheetal Mafatlal dressed up like a frilly mutton chop?

  7. iz

    June 10, 2009 at 6:40 am

    😀 Funny. Like whathisname said, I’ll be baack.

  8. harini calamur

    June 10, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    rotfl 🙂 many times.
    seriously. why do the page 3 types think that they can break the law and get away with it ?
    maybe the earlier sentance should have ended with think 🙂

  9. Amey

    June 10, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    to stake claim as the elder son of the family

    Wow… do such things really happen in normal world? Beats the mom dead for 20 years storyline, lock, stock and barrel.

  10. Coir vs. Coyer

    June 10, 2009 at 2:20 pm

    Aha, Ms.”Air Mat” (euphemism for The Magic Carpet? But of course! And I mean it, Tiara M — such clever parents to “crown” their daughter so…wow, I’m jealous! — for you do enthrall with your thrill rides. We’re in constant awe of how you manage to, time and again, sneak us in thru open windows, even as doors to some of these worlds remain firmly shut) is at it again. 😀

    But hey, is there an off chance Ekta Kapoor may have said that her shows were all retaily (Cue: Mafatlal’s foray into denimland “unbuttoned” here) and you’d misconstrued it to mean “reality”? (After all, your affinity for all things anagrammatic (and/or intensely dramatic) is not really the world’s best kept secret. 😀 )

    And as for She et al, I’m with Gagan in letting her off the hook. But that’s only because I’m a shy softie who hates to label people “Hamara Hot Sop,” in public, no matter how sexily spineless (or spinelessly sexy) they may be! 😀

  11. memsaab

    June 10, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    I can’t believe that EVERYONE doesn’t read the Mirror daily. It’s cracktastic entertainment! and this story just gets better and better. Excellent summation thus far Amrita—do keep on the job!

  12. desigirl

    June 11, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Since I heard of this, I’ve been waiting to see what you’ll make of it. Thank you God!

  13. Amrita

    June 11, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Pitu – they’re just insanely terrible. The Birlas at least know how to keep their mouths shut however awful things might be (remember the Ken and Barbie Birlas?The ones who dress like twins and go to all the parties?) but I’ve a feeling these people call the paps.

    Sachita – she would too! But then she would give her a husband who hates her working for a male boss, create tensions around her inevitable late night meetings which end with the boss draping his jacket around her shoulder and walking her back through a romantic drizzle while her husband watches from behind a tree…

    Koke – You’re not the only one who’s dizzy! (does GPUA sound Bhojpuri to you?)

    Gagan – tsk tsk! I’m looking at you in a whole another light, my friend. A whole another light! *shakes head sadly*

    Adithya – as in, he pins success on the floor mat and then bashes its head in!

    BV – that’s LAMB chop to her husband!

    Iz – anytime!

    Harini – lolz! Maybe she got lead poisoning from all that paint on her face.

    Amey – only if you’re a bosom buddy of Ekta Mata’s. I guess we’re safe.

    Coirv.C – You’re clearly more charitable than me! What we really need to see is an Ekta Mata Sheetal Mafatlal joint venture where one can buy fine duds like these. You’re welcome for the images.

    Memsaab – is everyone on the Mumbai Mirror Revolution Bus but me? 😦 I’d heard of it but I didn’t know its sheer awesomeness until I read this fine piece of journalistic reporting.

    DG – what, and you didn’t send me a link? Shame on you!

  14. pitu

    June 11, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    U mean Yash and Avanti, yeah, they’re muy flaky.

  15. Never Mind

    June 11, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Fact, they say is stranger than fiction!! Pitu’s and your comments made me super curious. Now I will have to google, “Birla scandal!”

  16. Gagan

    June 11, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    in a true light….am deeply, deeply flawed, I’m afraid….must say my choices in practice tend to be a whole lot better….but there is that self destructive impulse that lies there susceptible to the likes of sheet maf…i am a man after all 🙂

  17. Tanya

    July 1, 2009 at 4:13 am

    Hmmm, that was interesting. Looks like somethings will always remain mystery.

    I myself has been trying to solve the mystery of the legend that forces you to have “earn it before

    having it”, for a wile now. Could not understand much though.

    Let me know in case you get to understand the mystery of the

    Old Hound and the Legend

    By the way, good writing style. I’d love to read more on similiar topics

  18. Rahul Sharma

    July 17, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    You know are you are CRUEL! 😉 What is PETA telephone number?

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