… but I won’t do this.
It’s not like I don’t get the impulse. I do. I’ll chance upon something that is totally doable like these tips for homemade skin care products, etc and I think, “Hey! Maybe I should try that. And then I can write about it because it promises to be at least mildly soul-destroying in an unspecified sort of way.”
And that’s always interesting, isn’t it? Those guys at Jackass made an entire career for themselves by destroying their bodies – I could maybe burn the skin off my face so I could write about it. And since I’m not making a penny off the experience, I could even call it Art. With a capital A and everything.
But not even for snob value would I agree to live on a mix of cayenne pepper, maple syrup and lemon a.k.a. The Master Cleanse for a week much less her Coconut Cleanse which apparently involves “fresh-squeezed carrot, apple and ginger juice blended with heaping tablespoons of forest-green Enerfood powder, coconut milk powder and Meta Cleanse colon declogger” with a little side of lettuce if you feel peckish.
There are just so many things wrong with description. First off: carrot juice. I have really bad eyesight and ever since I turned eight my health-nut uncle has been trying to hypnotize me into thinking I’m part bunny rabbit (for my own good, of course). Now I don’t mind chowing down on a carrot or two once in a while (especially when it tastes like this) but I once made the mistake of thinking that carrots might be easier on the palate if they were consumed in juice form rather than whole. Oooo nooooo! Big mistake. You could use that to punish children.
The apple juice isn’t so bad, although I must say I prefer apple cider or, at a pinch, apple brandy. What? An apple is an apple is an apple, the way I look at it. Keeps the doctor away. And it doesn’t need to be all sloshed up with carrots and ginger. My stomach is not a pork roast.
Then there is the ginger juice. Really? Ginger “juice”? That’s what you’re going to drink? Let me remind you all of the original ginger juice that’s super yummy to drink, especially when it’s cold and raining outside – adrak ki chai. Make it whole milk, double on the cream. I mean, milk and ginger with a dash of tea? That has to be a cleanse in somebody’s language.
And I don’t even know what an “Enerfood powder” is, forest green or mountain blue or field yell0w or whatever its color might be. All I know is that it sounds like one of those futuristic food-like substances that humanoids eat in science fiction movies once the earth has been reduced to a barren wasteland on which nothing grows but giant radio-active sunflowers that like to snack on people and employ an army of gigantic attack bumblebees to herd the human food source its way. I suppose I could start eating it and think of it as being “in training” for that inevitable day, but merely considering it makes me want to eat a nine course meal at my favorite Italian restaurant, drowning in meat and butter and cream and chockfull of carbohydrates and fat.
Which brings me to the “colon de-clogger”. Do you know what happens to people with a clogged colon? Their bodies fucking de-clog! So if you think I’m going to swallow lemon water mixed with chilli powder or stick a hose up my bum-bum so I can have a clean colon, you’re out of your mind. And I don’t care which freak in Hollywood thinks this is a great idea.