Unbuttoning A Coincydink

03 Apr


Oh look! Somebody is walking around Mumbai today with a big, big stick up his bum-bum. And I don’t mean the guy in silver sneakers, rightly grimacing in pain, above.

Padma Shri Akshay Kumar (yeah, news to me too) is the august ambassador to India from the United States of Levi’s, that country where denim rules supreme and it’s a crime to detract from its pristine beauty by contaminating it with things like shirts. Specifically, he promotes peace, understanding, and the movement of beaucoup bucks between the company and possibly homophobic Indians who have no idea their big buff Punjabi hero is selling them totally gay clothes.

Now Akki Baby was over in America a while ago and in between snickering at Warner Bros. (for footing the bill on Chandni Chowk to China) and hobnobbing with hot Hollywood talent like Sylvester Stallone and Denise Richards (um, woohoo, I guess?), he must have stumbled across some mention of what Levi’s is up to with its Unbuttoned series. (What? Men in India don’t think like that, okay? It’s totally hetero for men to buy jeans coz they saw a hunky movie star walk around in them with his top off.)

Therefore, to underline just how hetero it can be to be Unbuttoned, the very next time he walked the ramp in those jeans, he marched right up to his wife Twinkle and insisted she unbutton him. Right then, right there, baby! Now Twinkle is a pativrata Bharatiya nari so she obviously couldn’t refuse her husband’s request in front of everybody like that. It was a matter of her pati’s izzat, you see. What kind of message would he be sending out if it was seen that even his wife doesn’t want to touch him Unbuttoned? Besides, if Sati could buttonhole Yama to get back Satyavan’s soul, and Sita could stick it in the forest for the love of Rama, then Twinkle could – and did! – unbutton her husband’s Unbuttoned denims.

Unfortunately for the Kumars, Akki’s brainwave i.e. this crime against Indian culture went down at the Lakme Fashion Week and in the audience was a certain person who “claims to be a social activist who has worked with Lok Adhikar and several other organisations working in the anti-smoking arena and in alleviating poverty” when he is not working for an unnamed political party.

Imagine the plight of this poor, innocent man. He went there expecting to worship art and craft, the beauty of the female form when decorated with strategic amounts of fabric, in the company of other similarly minded pious devotees of this new faith called “Fashion”… and was instead forced to watch some kind of married people’s obscene effort to whip unsuspecting males into a gay frenzy by imagining a Padmashri’s johnson.

It was an outrage! Perpetrated right out there in the open.

What would they do next? Kissing? My god, such adharm in this holy land of piety! You’d think these two were intimately (sexually, even!) acquainted with each other.

A Padmashri having sex! Oh my God!

That’s it! The final barrier, it’s broken! The world will never be the same again. I weep for India. And for a gentler, more innocent time when all the Padmashri and the missus did, was throw each other about in a swimming pool like all decent sexually frustrated people do. (Does anybody remember that one, btw? It was during Akshay’s B-movie phase, and Twinkle looked really scary and angry as they sexed it up.)

No, this madness must be stopped! And so the police in Mumbai are today being tasked with an all-important duty – determining an appropriate section of the law under which to charge a wife who unbuttoned her husband’s jeans during a fashion show.

Your public servants are always here to serve you, India!

Today’s Winners:

  • Nagesh Kukunoor’s movie 8×10 Tasveer starring Akshay Kumar which releases – whaddya know! – today.
  • Levi’s Unbuttoned which is now – or will shortly be, once the media is done with this story – forever linked to Akshay Kumar’s naughty bits.
  • Lakme Fashion Week which will appear in all the buzz at least over the weekend.
  • The “social activist” with an election to win around the corner.

The Losers:

  • You, me aur hum.

Posted by on April 3, 2009 in Celebrity, Entertainment, News, Video


13 responses to “Unbuttoning A Coincydink

  1. pitu

    April 3, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    HAHHAA I was hoping someone would write about this! It is hilarious and ironic tho. I was outraged at the very idea of Akki receiving the Padma Shri (for what? Next they’ll give it to the KatKaif)and it’s just the sorta loopy thing he’d do- jiggle his bits down the ramp and get his wife to unbutton him in the same week as the ceremony. It’s so funny! I’m just disappointed Ms Goody Two Shoes Rai didn’t do something hilarious and embarassing the same week. I was kinda hoping she’d kiss Amar Singh but no such luck :_(

    • Amrita

      April 3, 2009 at 3:44 pm

      best part is, in that video i linked to, he’s all “duh, unbutton me, i lub you” and she’s pulling her hand away like “ew, you’re gross” and then finally does it with all the sexiness of a mother changing a diaper. but apparently that’s too hot to handle for some people.

      oh, and the firs thing i thought when i heard akki and ash were padmashris now? your post on hridayanath mangeshkar getting his award at this age. people suck.

  2. pitu

    April 3, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    …and no pecks either. A good on-the-mouth chumma!

  3. M

    April 3, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Indiequill: Just what the doctor ordered for a case of the blahs 😀

    “then finally does it with all the sexiness of a mother changing a diaper.”

    OH SO true!!! Besides, from all accounts, his wife is the last person Akki would have unbuttoning him!


  4. pitu

    April 3, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    OOOOO M has some juicy gossip! *is all ears*

  5. Manohar

    April 4, 2009 at 2:31 am

    Amrita, You seems to have good English. That doesn’t means that you can comment upon everything under the sun. If you are really interested to convey positive messages through your blogs then first learn to see the things without any prejudice. People will appreciate your views only when they know that you are not just commenting for the heck of it. You may blog with pouring all of your brain behind your forceful and crafty words trying to impress people with the way you think or present the things (I know you are a staunch admirer of people like Karan Thapar and Barkha Dutt). By the time readers would have read through the last sentence from you they will be knowing exactly what you are trying to. Invariably they can summarize whether you are trying to comment upon the things objectively and how much sincerity is there in your thinking towards the issues that you are trying to project through your expression.

    Want to learn what is the art of unbiased expression? My suggestion to you, read the columns from MJ Akbar in TOI ( I know you will open a new thread in your blogs if I suggest you to go through the columns of Tarun Vijay ).

  6. Ramsu

    April 4, 2009 at 5:18 am

    Yeah, Amrita. How dare you?!!! 😀

    I’m racking my brains for the name of the movie where they had that song. International Khiladi, was it? From what I can remember, the swimming pool song in that movie involved Rajat Bedi and Twinkle, but can’t be sure.


  7. Amey

    April 4, 2009 at 11:45 am

    Seriously, I am not sure what is worse, him getting Padmashri or the stunt on the ramp. Say what you will about moral police and needless court cases, this is way beyond decent.

    Did he want to have a wardrobe malfunction but didn’t want to wait for an unforced on?

    That said,

    It’s totally hetero for men to buy jeans coz they saw a hunky movie star walk around in them with his top off.

    Err, men worldwide (and women too) will watch the ads where a female movie star walks around in jeans with her top off. But I am not going to buy those jeans. From my limited knowledge of clothing, regardless of what Michael Scott would say, gents and ladies clothes are different. Right?

  8. Gradwolf

    April 4, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    Hahaha exactly! how dare you call a Khiladi movie B-grade? It was International Khiladi and unfortunately for the poor couple(or just Akki), the only Khiladi movie that flopped big time I think.

    And talking about Padmashri, Akshay Kumar kahan and another Padmashri Kamal Haasan kahan! If only those “social activist” realize how Mr. Haasan has sexed up Tamil cinema over the years! 😛

    • Gradwolf

      April 4, 2009 at 12:04 pm

      — This is Adithya, btw!

  9. Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!?

    April 4, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    And just what on earth is the golden girl on his right doing? Expressing breast-milk?

  10. maxdavinci

    April 4, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    Full points to Ramsu..

    That song indeed was from Intl Khiladi but wasnt with akki. Here you go

    how I wish I had more ppl like manohar visit my blog, we love the morality wars you know!

  11. Amrita

    April 5, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    M – well at this point, if i was her, i wouldn’t want to touch him without some latex gloves on 😉

    Manohar – Thank you, have you tried Rediff? I think you’d enjoy the community there. IQ might not be your cup of tea because over here I not only can but I do comment on anything and everything.

    Amey – meh, I find the Padmashri a lot more offensive. The unbuttoning was a stupid thing to do but all she did was unbutton it, she didn’t unzip him to show us if he was going commando or anything (perish the thought!). I’m regularly flashed on the streets of India by random uncles who think nothing of casually peeing on the side of the road. How come nobody is offended by that?

    Ramsu, Adithya (I’ve lurked around your blog, I know who you are! 🙂 )and Max – hahahah, I’m glad to know I’m not the only loser who remembers things like that! 😛 Ugh, Rajat Bedi! I just got a monster (not that way either!) flashback of him in a speedo. The only thing funnier than that was an out of shape Akshay Kumar in a pool with Pooja Batra in Talaash (?), perching on the edge, half in/half out (of the water, you pervs!) in THE most unnatural position ever, sucking in his flabby tummy.

    Mamma – oh great, i’m now cleaning vomit off my keyboard!

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