Oh look! Somebody is walking around Mumbai today with a big, big stick up his bum-bum. And I don’t mean the guy in silver sneakers, rightly grimacing in pain, above.
Padma Shri Akshay Kumar (yeah, news to me too) is the august ambassador to India from the United States of Levi’s, that country where denim rules supreme and it’s a crime to detract from its pristine beauty by contaminating it with things like shirts. Specifically, he promotes peace, understanding, and the movement of beaucoup bucks between the company and possibly homophobic Indians who have no idea their big buff Punjabi hero is selling them totally gay clothes.
Now Akki Baby was over in America a while ago and in between snickering at Warner Bros. (for footing the bill on Chandni Chowk to China) and hobnobbing with hot Hollywood talent like Sylvester Stallone and Denise Richards (um, woohoo, I guess?), he must have stumbled across some mention of what Levi’s is up to with its Unbuttoned series. (What? Men in India don’t think like that, okay? It’s totally hetero for men to buy jeans coz they saw a hunky movie star walk around in them with his top off.)
Therefore, to underline just how hetero it can be to be Unbuttoned, the very next time he walked the ramp in those jeans, he marched right up to his wife Twinkle and insisted she unbutton him. Right then, right there, baby! Now Twinkle is a pativrata Bharatiya nari so she obviously couldn’t refuse her husband’s request in front of everybody like that. It was a matter of her pati’s izzat, you see. What kind of message would he be sending out if it was seen that even his wife doesn’t want to touch him Unbuttoned? Besides, if Sati could buttonhole Yama to get back Satyavan’s soul, and Sita could stick it in the forest for the love of Rama, then Twinkle could – and did! – unbutton her husband’s Unbuttoned denims.
Unfortunately for the Kumars, Akki’s brainwave i.e. this crime against Indian culture went down at the Lakme Fashion Week and in the audience was a certain person who “claims to be a social activist who has worked with Lok Adhikar and several other organisations working in the anti-smoking arena and in alleviating poverty” when he is not working for an unnamed political party.
Imagine the plight of this poor, innocent man. He went there expecting to worship art and craft, the beauty of the female form when decorated with strategic amounts of fabric, in the company of other similarly minded pious devotees of this new faith called “Fashion”… and was instead forced to watch some kind of married people’s obscene effort to whip unsuspecting males into a gay frenzy by imagining a Padmashri’s johnson.
It was an outrage! Perpetrated right out there in the open.
What would they do next? Kissing? My god, such adharm in this holy land of piety! You’d think these two were intimately (sexually, even!) acquainted with each other.
A Padmashri having sex! Oh my God!
That’s it! The final barrier, it’s broken! The world will never be the same again. I weep for India. And for a gentler, more innocent time when all the Padmashri and the missus did, was throw each other about in a swimming pool like all decent sexually frustrated people do. (Does anybody remember that one, btw? It was during Akshay’s B-movie phase, and Twinkle looked really scary and angry as they sexed it up.)
No, this madness must be stopped! And so the police in Mumbai are today being tasked with an all-important duty – determining an appropriate section of the law under which to charge a wife who unbuttoned her husband’s jeans during a fashion show.
Your public servants are always here to serve you, India!
- Nagesh Kukunoor’s movie 8×10 Tasveer starring Akshay Kumar which releases – whaddya know! – today.
- Levi’s Unbuttoned which is now – or will shortly be, once the media is done with this story – forever linked to Akshay Kumar’s naughty bits.
- Lakme Fashion Week which will appear in all the buzz at least over the weekend.
- The “social activist” with an election to win around the corner.
- You, me aur hum.