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Tit-tle Tattle

27 Oct

I forget the context now, but Farzana Versey once wrote that she’d heard it mentioned somewhere that the French notion of a perfect female breast was one that would fit inside a champagne glass. Upon reading that, for some reason I suffered what the incomparable Sherri Shepherd calls “a senior brain poopy moment” and translated the term “champagne glass” into an image of a champagne flute.

This seriously fucked with my head.

Man, I thought as I imagined a long line of French women lazily lounging around Paris with tubular breasts while men sighed over them, those French people sure are into some weird stuff.

For about a year (I kid you not) this nightmare vision of a country full of women hoodwinked into thinking teats were sexy followed me around as I studied this champagne flute idea from every angle. Although my obsession never took me to a point where I actually contemplated stuffing my poor breast into the largest flute I could find, I would often find myself staring thoughtfully at the crockery aisles of department stores. Maybe a little butter in strategic places…? Even if you were a size A, I fretted, how would you squeeze yourself into one of those? A nipple maybe, but a whole breast? It couldn’t be done.

In fact the mechanics of it vexed me to such an extent that when I finally realized (dun! Dun! DUN!) Farzana was talking about a goblet, I wasn’t so much embarrassed as I was relieved. So France wasn’t full of women with flute shaped boobies! Yay, France!

But now I find myself wondering if I ought to be worried that I don’t have basketball shaped boobies.

It’s kind of impossible to be even peripherally aware of pop culture these days and not notice that the world is full of women with unnaturally round and perky breasts. I didn’t think this was really affecting my body image until the other day I found myself comparing my perfectly nice boobies to the cleavage of some starlet in a magazine. How come, I thought to myself, my breasts have never stood so far apart and so upright without any visible means of support? I’m not exactly elderly now, but even when I was eighteen, I don’t remember my boobs performing even remotely like this woman’s.

These were breasts that you could bounce off. Breasts that could stop a bullet. Breasts that could do the can-can and crush a beer can. Breasts that could fight back if you mauled them around.

I looked sadly at myself. Was I deformed in some way and nobody quite liked to mention it? Maybe that asshole friend of mine who’d once told me the oh-so-ha-ha story about the time he’d guessed the cup size of a waitress at a bar only to have her smile and retort that he was quite wrong but (interesting factoid!) her one boob was slightly bigger than the other, was trying to delicately hint something?

As you can imagine, once I woke up next morning with a clear head, I knew the truth – there was nothing wrong with my boobies, thank you. Women’s breasts are simply not meant to double as exercise balls. I don’t know which came first – a lack of better technology or the fetish for oddly shaped breasts – but it’s just another weird idea women have bought into. To the point where I wonder if an entire generation of young men are now growing up to find the shape of actual breasts to be strange and a turn-off.

You know what I’m talking about – those breast implants that look like they could jump out of the unfortunate woman’s body at any minute and set off for a ten mile hike, no problem. Who the hell invented those? I understand the idea is to increase cup size and to keep them perky, but couldn’t they have come up with something that looks a bit more natural? Everytime I see those horrible things on a woman, I wince.

Not so much for those who get them for cosmetic purposes (unless it’s someone like Ice-T’s wife Coco, or that woman who is out to get the world’s largest implants, who are painful for just so many reasons!), but for those amongst us who need to go in for reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy – like Christina Applegate, for example.

Although Christina appears to have more and better options, for most of us it can’t help but make an already traumatic experience worse to wake up with those strange things attached to your chest. I’ve always wondered why my aunt made do with those extremely fake looking padded bras (“old fashioned ideas of decency” was my guess) but now see that decision in a new light.

Perhaps I ought to enjoy my breasts while I still have them?

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14 Comments

Posted by on October 27, 2008 in Life, Personal

 

14 responses to “Tit-tle Tattle

  1. Pitu

    October 27, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Oh god when you last wrote abt that champagne glass thing, I assumed you meant a FLUTE as well! I was like WHAAAAAT? Hehe glad it’s a glass! As for those DD silicon women, I have a pet theory.

    It’s actually a basketball factory where a mad scientist implanted AI into the balls and created these monsters that were then injected into grown womens’ chests which we mistakenly assume are boobies. Next time, try to dunk em, see if they don’t wiggle!

     
  2. M

    October 27, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    OK, I spend way too much time in my doc’s office (allergist) – one of the mags he has is something about plastic surgery – and apparently, there are more natural implants vs. the ball-like ones you see all the time…but guess which ones are more popular?

    Thanks to the distorted body image many girls here (TX) seem to have, plastic surgery seems to be fairly mainstream in my suburb – to the extent that some of these implants are specifically designed to be removable, if the woman decides to b/f when/if she has a baby!

    M

     
  3. The other M

    October 28, 2008 at 12:46 am

    I.Learn.So.much.Everyday.

    Thank you Amrita!

     
  4. DewdropDream

    October 28, 2008 at 11:12 am

    Personally, I don’t think we need to worry about men becoming choosy about the actual shape of boobs thus influencing some new trend for basketball round ones… men would be simply happy to have the chance to look and would ignore the finer details.

    And I say this because I have proof: I went with a friend to a tattoo parlour recently and while she was getting her tatoo done (on the upper part of the torso just above the boob… what’s it called anyway? Upper boob?!), the other tattoo artist said to his 7 year old son ‘This lady’s getting her boobie done!’ and within two seconds, a bored boy was transformed into an excited and eager boy 😛 Can’t argue with eagerness can you?

     
  5. memsaab

    October 28, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    What if they fit into margarita glasses? or Scorpion Bowls?

    😉

     
  6. complicateur

    October 28, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    I was going to say -deleted for impropriety-, but then realised -deleted for impropriety-, so -deleted for impropriety- …. There, I said it!

     
  7. RajaSen

    October 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm

    Ha.

    Talk about timing. I just rewatched that great Allo Allo episode yesterday where Rene talks about how the best champagne glasses were modelled after Marie Antoinette’s breasts. The German captain Geering says he wishes they were modelled after Helga’s breasts, they’d have gotten a bit more to drink.

    😀

     
  8. sachita

    October 30, 2008 at 2:43 am

    how on earth or mars or france, can there be a link between champagne glass and breasts? please explain.

    even kareena kapoor ‘s androgynous size zero ones will not fit the description.

     
  9. terri

    October 30, 2008 at 9:53 am

    Am, if it makes you feel better, I don’t have a cleavage – at least not the kind where you can swipe a credit card; not even when I cross my arms. And I am elderly, compared to you.

     
  10. Amrita

    October 30, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    Pitu – ewwwwww! After that image in my head, I wouldn’t touch em with a barge pole 😀 And I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who came down with a sudden case of the Stupids. hee hee.

    M – Oh lord! Someone ought to show them a few episodes of Nip/Tuck. That show forever removed any desire whatsoever in me to have plastic surgery EVER. especially rhinoplasty. Blech. It totally makes sense though – the reasoning behind the implants doesn’t seem to be big breasts but bigger breasts if you see what I mean. Like “I got me something to improve myself”.

    The Other M – LOL!!!! Lots more where it came from!

    DDD – um, chest? 😀 Thank heaven for little boys, without them what would little girls do? (link)

    Memsaab – bring on the margaritas, we’ll talk about the glasses later 😉

    Complicateur – gasp! PERVERT!

    Raja – HAHAHAH! Damn, I haven’t seen that show in years. Another thing to watch!

    Sachita – Apparently Europeans have a boob in a glass fetish So if you can stick your boobie in this, you’re all set!

    Terri – of course not! I wish you all the cleavage in the world coz that’s how much I love you 😀

     
  11. sachita

    October 31, 2008 at 12:19 am

    ha.. champagne flute, champagne coupe who knew!
    I honestly don’t how i read the post the first time, may be my mind just froze the moment image of breasts fitting into a champagne glass(flute) came up and nothing else clicked.

    Punishment for not reading the post properly, I suffered your agony for couple of days!

    though you could have linked up wikipedia entry or i could have wikipediaed and saved myself!

    -Sachita
    Yes, I am stupidest of you all.

     
  12. pri

    November 3, 2008 at 12:31 am

    i’m sorry is that miss jay on the right?

     
  13. naren

    November 5, 2008 at 10:42 am

    Full and round
    Narrow and pointed
    Sloping yet argumentative
    And now
    Champage fluted.

    New ones discovered every day.

     
  14. Abracadabra

    June 2, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Talk about timing, “One Woman Fantasy” later, I wind up at tick-tock tit talk here!

    You know, up until news got out late last fall, of Victoria’s Secret unveiling the Black Diamond as part of its holiday “Fantasy Fashions” collection, the only “Black Diamonds” I was aware of were the steepest of, um, ski slopes.

    Dunno about the French, but Brazilians certainly seem to have won the cosmic (or genetic, if predestination is not your poison) lottery for the titular “tittles.” No kidding. For “Breasts that could stop a bullet,” look no further than these — hot off Nature-abhors-a-vacuum’s assembly line, as opposed to Spalding’s or Wilson’s — artfully adorned (armored?), five-million-dollar babies (not counting the diamonds)!

    Sigh. My pet theory is that God made blindingly beautiful Brazilian breasts because He was pleased enough with fervent bathroom-mirror prayers each morning (“Please God, this thing they call cleavage…is it a myth or a miracle?”) to provide an answer…And whoa! No myth, this.

    P.S: Let us circle back for a second to your “One Woman Fantasy” and its closing line about Archie winding up with Veronica — tough indeed, this choice between the virtuous and the voluptuous! Oh our poor Archiekins….but he chose wisely. 😀

     
 
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