Vacuum Cleaner Sex

10 Oct

You know, it never even occurred to me but I have to admit, using a vacuum cleaner for carnal purposes is pretty well thought out. Deep throat would be nothing to it, I imagine. Unless your boy parts get stuck. In which case you’re never gonna live it down. Hey, no pain, no gain – right?

Everybody is apparently doing it – Polish hospital workers, Australian burglars, women who haven’t had sex in 15 years (now with video!). While the Polish hospital worker is no doubt responsible for contributing one of the best sentences ever written in a newspaper:

A stunned security guard stumbled onto the man in the middle of a compromising act with the cleaner, which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its “nose”

this does makes me wonder if the man had just stumbled upon an ingenious method of masturbation (according to male friend who ought to know: “Not the hand, man. Anything‘s better than the hand.”) or whether he was into sex with inanimate objects in general.

Thanks to the internet, it’s no longer so “weird” to hear about people fixating sexually on objects. Apart from the people referenced in the links above, for instance, there’s the man who “sexually assaulted” a lamppost and that other guy who has no time for women but is a serial philanderer with cars (and the occasional famous helicopter):

Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men…”I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was having my first sexual urges.”

I understand this is a kind of fetish, but upon reflection I don’t really understand the outrage that accompanies such revelations. It is, of course, a bit much when people break into your home and rape your vacuum cleaner or do the dirty with your bicycle out in the open (get a room and get your own bicycle!), but if you were like Mr. Smith above and just went about your business at home, same as the rest of us – what’s the harm in that?

At most, one day he’ll end up trying a new position that leaves him attached to the exhaust pipe, but the only person who’d suffer in that scenario would be Mr. Smith himself. It’s not like the car would care. I know they call it a “hard on” but it’s still only human flesh – steel is going to win every time. Sorry, boys.

It’s one thing if you’re hitting on some poor dog or goat or some other animal, but unless you tell me a car is a deeply moral being with strong objections to interspecies intercourse, I don’t see the harm. After all, do you think anal beads like being inserted up your bum? Do you ask a vibrator if it is bisexual or has a gender preference before you buy it?

Frankly, Mr. Smith sounds a lot more invested in his cars than many men in their wives or girlfriends:

“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”

On the other hand, I once had a boyfriend who sang to me. I could make a case for torture.


Posted by on October 10, 2008 in Life


15 responses to “Vacuum Cleaner Sex

  1. pitu

    October 10, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    Why stop at vacuum cleaners? I suggest the better thing- those big, maha bhayankar jet engines. Imagine the suction capabilities! Ok, now I need to go take a shower. Blech.

  2. Vasuki

    October 10, 2008 at 2:54 pm

    Huhhoo…hilarious…had me roflol! :))

  3. M

    October 10, 2008 at 3:01 pm

    OH MAN! You should have marked this post NSFW! I am trying hard to stifle my laughter here!

    Pitu the image of someone doing it with a jet engine is too too funny…LOLOL…


  4. Amey

    October 10, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    And… there go all my plans of ever buying a secondhand car or leaving a car anywhere except a triple-locked garage, with burglar alarms and electrified fences.

    @Pitu: Umm, the scene in Hot Shots I (check out 1:25) has proven to anybody but an idiot that it is not a good idea.

  5. complicateur

    October 10, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    Did u hear about the guy who brokeup with his current vacuum because a Dyson hit him at Home Depot ? He’s movin on up!

  6. narendra shenoy

    October 11, 2008 at 12:02 am

    Hahahaha! LOL at “Unless your boy parts get stuck. In which case you’re never gonna live it down. Hey, no pain, no gain – right?”

    Actually, LOL and wincing.

    We had a carpenter working in our house many years ago. This guy, a frail, docile guy, worked hard and without fuss. One day he asked my dad (a doctor) for medicine because he had been having fever for several days. The usual paracetamol did not seem to bring him much relief so my dad took him to our hospital for a check up. After much investigation they discovered a one-inch nail inserted up his baby-maker, which had formed an abscess and….. I’m still unable to complete the story because of the queasy feeling I get in my stomach. They had to chop chop, stitch stitch ….Ouch!

    “How did that nail get there”, I asked Dad, who, in true medical nonchalance said “Probably inserted for sexual gratification.” and went on to narrate a jolly old story about how they had once removed a complete ketchup bottle from a guy’s rectum. It seems the bottle was full of ketchup and the doctors were daring each other to have it with samosas after surgery. Uggghhhh!

  7. pitu

    October 11, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    EWWWW Narendra, you owe me lunch! Gahh.

  8. pitu

    October 11, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    Amey: As Amrita said, no pain no gain 😉

  9. Amrita

    October 11, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    mkhblink – KY. That’s thinking ahead! 😀

    Pitu – never believe a man when he talks about the size of his organ. Especially if it makes you think of jet engines 😛

    Vasuki, M and Complicateur – :mrgreen: hey, hoovers are people too!

    Amey – jab miya car raazi, to kya kerga amey!

    Narendra – O.M.G. Just…. O.M.G. 😀

  10. Amey

    October 11, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    @Narendra: Reminds me of that immortal dialog by Dr. Cox, “Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.”

    As for surgeons, Dr. Kelso got the short end of that bulb 😉

  11. Shubhendu

    October 13, 2008 at 2:41 am

    Your blog is very different from what I thought it to be. 😉

  12. Amrita

    October 13, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    Amey & Naren – are either of you watching True Blood? I wonder what you’d make of Jason’s, um, troubles.

    Shubhendu – lol, what do you mean? 😀

  13. ramesh

    October 16, 2008 at 8:53 am

    ah us men .. anything for self-gratification ..

  14. desiGirl

    October 17, 2008 at 10:47 am

    Wow. Just… wow!

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