It seems to me that every so often somebody will wake up and realize that there are a lot of women living in this world and occasionally they too like to watch movies. Recently, the Sex and the City movie provided the wake up call and we were handed The Women as a bonus (if you can call it that, which you wouldn’t if you’ve ever seen the original but that’s a different story).
Which is, of course, very nice of them and I appreciate the effort, but what I’d like to know is, when do we get our version of Charlie’s Angels? You know, eye candy held together with a reasonably coherent narrative? And yes, I know the movie was all “Woo! Girl power!” but let’s not kid ourselves – Charlie’s Angels is for women the way Errol Flynn movies were for men. My boyfriend-at-the-time didn’t practically dislocate my shoulder pulling me into the nearest theatre on opening weekend because he was a fellow feminist.
I don’t have anything against traditional chick flicks: a nice (or even passable) romcom or three-hanky-weep-fest, but once in a while, all you want is a little eye candy. Look at Gerard Butler. It’s been two years and he’s still coasting on his 300 abs. Seriously, how hard up are women in the objectification stakes? At least the teens get Zac Efron and company. Thank God for Daniel Craig and his revamped Bond franchise or we’d have nothing at all.
So here’s my little proposal: an old style fantasy/ vaguely historical pic with three yummy men, tongue-in-cheek but not outright ha-ha fight scenes with very little to nonexistent bloodshed, a bit of bodice ripping, maybe one true-love plot that ends in tragedy in the middle of the movie (so we don’t saddle ourselves with extra characters in the sequel, of course!), and a happy ending.
After much inner debate and research, I propose these three men for their abilities in sword-fighting, shirtlessness, wearing period costume, and yearning glances of love:
Richard Armitage: As his work on Robin Hood indicates, he can definitely smolder, yearn, glare, swing a sword and strip off at exactly the right moment. He can also kiss very effectively as we’ve found out on other shows. He needs to work a bit on the “thrilling manhandling of women” bit that every hero in this kind of movie is required to do (as opposed to plain old manhandling which is frowned upon and invariably results in death).
As you can see above on the left, his Guy of Gisborne armor is a little hard to put into context (I mean, it could be the assistant director’s bald uncle Bob under that cookpot getup for all we know) but what matters is not what how he wears it, but what happens when he takes it off (NSFW!!). Maid Marian would agree. And she doesn’t even like him.
Takeshi Kaneshiro: If pressed, I might be able to come up with drawbacks for the other two but Kaneshiro? I seriously don’t know a single thing this man can’t do. He acts, he fights, he loves, he teases, he plays, he looks the way he does… I hate to sound like a refugee from a fanboard but why isn’t this man in every single movie ever made? (Maybe then we’d get some decent fan clips, yes?)
And as you see to the right, he is the only man in the universe who can manage to look hot with a monkey cap prototype tied under his chin. And yes, I know this isn’t exactly armor but hey, it’s a period piece faithfully copied from ancient paintings and things, so er… that counts? Besides, it’s a little hard to do those sword fights if you have a ton of steel cloaking you from head to toe.
Whatever. I want him.
Hrithik Roshan – This one was really difficult. Unlike the other two, I don’t really feel it with Hrithik but even I have to admit, he’s as pretty as a picture as long as he can control his need to try hard. He gave his facial contortions the day off in Jodha Akbar and I thought it did wonders. I’m also aware that I’m one of a minority and a lot of people feel really squishy about him. So, fine, this one is for you. Don’t say I never did anything for the sisterhood.
And he can rock the funny Mughal cap. Anybody who can wear that without looking like a dope deserves to be at least considered for this list. That sword practice scene didn’t do him any disservice either (before you Hrithik lovers unite to slay me, I tried to find a clip with the original music but there simply wasn’t one available).
So those are my fantasy movie Big Three, chosen because they’re pretty much all of a generation and I think they’d go together visually speaking. But I’m open to other suggestions. Fire away!