Udderly Delicious

30 Sep

A few days ago DesiGirl’s elder offspring, the proud possessor of a brand new baby sister, was heard inquiring about this thing called “nipple cream“. I don’t know what DG’s been telling him, but Auntie Amrita would like to bring an alternative to his notice:

PETA wants world-famous Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Ice Cream to tap nursing moms, rather than cows, for the milk used in its ice cream… saying it would reduce the suffering of cows and calves and give ice cream lovers a healthier product.

It’s the wave of the future. Cold, creamy, healthy, 100% Mommy. It’s what every loving mother should serve her child. If Ben & Jerry’s isn’t interested, perhaps a cottage industry should be established. Mothers working from home, expressing by the bucketload for the health of humanity and the ease of cows.

Imagine: every time you missed your mother and thought wistfully of the pleasures of home, you could open up your freezer, take out a container of Nipple Cream, and instantly reconnect. The Taste of Home! Real “homely” food. Awww!

It could also be a bonding experience! The family that dines off Mommy together is the family that sticks together, my friends. Forget those dark days of yore when jealous little eyes watched younger siblings blissfully suckling while they themselves were palmed off on nasty plastic bottles. No longer will husbands glare resentfully at this exclusive mother-child experience or skulk in the kitchen to sneak a taste of the forbidden goods (just like last night’s dinner, I hear).

And what of the wealth of little anecdotes this could give rise to? You know how people are always talking about the strange fancies of their pets? “My cat loves pizza” or “My dog will only eat Taco Bell”? Well, now Fifi and Fido might well take a fancy to a drop of Mommy. Dinner table conversation will never run dry again! “Ha ha, Fido is absolutely addicted!” you’d say as he ran deliriously around the table, begging for another taste.

Naysayers point out that production is a bit of an issue – where will we find enough human mothers to feed our ice cream addiction? To which I say “Pshaw!” because here’s the genius part of this idea – the part where we solve global poverty by employing all those Poors scattered around the world, eking out a living by breaking stones in between bouts of dying from malaria.

For years now, all across the globe (in New Orleans most recently), politicians have been asking an unmerciful God just one question: why do the Poors continue to multiply? Don’t they know they’re poor? Shouldn’t they meditate on that instead of, you know, living lives like the rest of us un-Poors?

But now! Now there is a solution! Take out cows, switch in Poors. Big Dairy, wishful of a uniform taste to their product, will take care of housing and feeding (the Poors, with proper training, could possibly handle the milking on their own. Income, amazingly enough, doesn’t affect humanoid characteristics like opposable thumbs), which will immediately give the Poors access to a better way of life than they have thus far been accustomed. Healthcare will also be provided and, given what veterinarians charge these days (I’m told), Big Dairy will probably find it a bargain.

And in return, the world will get creamy, healthy milk from our own kind.

Let “Mothers First” be our motto as we take our ice cream back. Why should cows have all our benefits? Especially after all their incessant farting caused global warming. Mothers fart less. In fact, mothers don’t fart at all. Ask your mother if you don’t believe me.


Posted by on September 30, 2008 in Fiction, Life, News, Newsmakers


25 responses to “Udderly Delicious

  1. M

    September 30, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    OMG…I think I just wierded myself out completely! That said, I can sorta see the point of using up expressed BM, I know I wasn’t about to throw it away, after the trouble I took to produce it! Thankfully my kids took care of all my output…but still…maybe we’re conditioned that way, but it just sounds gross to me!


  2. DewdropDream

    September 30, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Sorry, but, *gag*

  3. apu

    October 1, 2008 at 12:13 am

    yewwwwwwww. this was just too gross. did you set out to get that reaction btw? if yes, congratulations! 🙂

  4. terri

    October 1, 2008 at 1:42 am

    What’s next? Salt from semen?

    And you’re right, mommies don’t fart at all. It’s always the dog that did it.

  5. Banno

    October 1, 2008 at 2:04 am

    Loved it. But then I love ‘gross’ writing.

  6. desigirl

    October 1, 2008 at 4:04 am

    Is this what you meant by “you don’t wanna know what I thought of it” re nipple cream?! tsk tsk!!

    Vintage Ams, this!

  7. ramesh

    October 1, 2008 at 8:01 am

    that was plain yucky

  8. bollyviewer

    October 1, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    You know, you may be on to something here. Replace milk with Mommy and we may solve the rising obesity problem in the world! Everybody would be too grossed out to feast on ice-creams, cheeses, cream, sour-cream, butter, etc. There would be no need for plus sizes, diet plans or even neighbourhood gyms!

  9. Amrita

    October 1, 2008 at 2:41 pm

    HAHAHAHAAHAH @ the lot of you!!

    Seriously, why is breast milk so creepy? I felt exactly the same way as you guys (still do really) but it did make me wonder why. I dunno yet.

    M – I wouldn’t have thrown it away either. But one of those links is all about “milk from an empty breast is high fat and more creamy” and stuff and I had to leave before I upchucked.

    Apu / DG – you ask me this after you’ve known me this long?! DG knows better! 😀

    Terri – hey, we’d never run out of salt then. Oh blech, I just grossed myself out even more.

    DDD & Ramesh – awwww, little lovelies 😀
    Bollyviewer – man, that one slipped my attention. Solves multiple crises then!

    Banno – I knew I liked you for a reason!

  10. M

    October 1, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    I don’t know why I find the idea of drinking others’ BM so creepy (it does sound somewhat cannibalistic, now that I think about it) but I do know friends who drank their own expressed BM, when it had passed the safe use-by date. For some reason, I am perfectly fine with donating BM to babies and had planned to do that, if my kids’ wouldn’t take to the expressed BM from a bottle – but other adults – NO WAY!


  11. memsaab

    October 1, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    Yep this is gross. But funny too.


  12. Kanan

    October 1, 2008 at 4:27 pm

    I’d be happy if those moms just fed their own kids. They’re so mean they don’t even feed enough to their very own kids when they deserve it, let alone someone else’s or even someone else.

  13. Amrita

    October 2, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    M – then I’m glad I stopped the post when I did because I was considering writing on about what would happen to the Poors once they ran out of milk and I decided they would simply have to become food for the other Poors. Soylent Green is people! Then I remembered you go on producing as long as you express (right?) so I let it go. You can thank me. 😀 So mothers drink their own milk than throw it away? Man, I’m really not looking forward to motherhood.

    Memsaab – hee hee.

    Kanan – so you don’t plan on being a formula mom? 🙂

  14. naren

    October 3, 2008 at 12:44 am

    Reminds me of the scene in Borat where he gives the senator some cheese and after he has put a spoonful in his mouth, tells him it was made by his wife, from the milk of her breasts. The senator’s face – and this is a real shot – is a scream!

    Objectively, there is really no reason why breast milk should gross one out, but it does and there it is.

  15. Amrita

    October 3, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    Naren – Hahaha!!! God, I can’t wait for the Bruno movie!

  16. Kanan

    October 3, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    A, don’t know what tomorrow has in store but I’d sure prefer not to become one. For all the good it brings with it – BM that is.

  17. M4

    October 23, 2008 at 12:45 pm

    You are an udderly hilarious woman! Please, please send this somewhere to get published!

  18. Amrita

    October 23, 2008 at 3:02 pm

    M4 – ha, you mean like WORK? 😀

  19. panu

    October 24, 2008 at 12:50 am

    oh LorD!!!

    But on the other hand, how much does an average Mommy Yield per day?

    And after milking, how much is to be left for the baby??

  20. Ritu

    October 24, 2008 at 1:52 am

    Absolutely gross – but I loved it. Considering that I once threatened my siblings by telling them I would give them tea with home-made whitener if they troubled me too much ….. so this post is right up my alley

  21. artnavy

    October 24, 2008 at 3:10 am

    yikees!! brilliant ! :- ))

  22. Abha

    October 24, 2008 at 9:25 am


    hopped over from Sues and glad to get a laught on what seems like a drearily frantic friday!! :p

    remembered a Friends episode where Ross gets grossed out being asked to taste BM! hehe!

    i wont even be able to taste mine! forget having someone elses!


  23. m0rph3us

    October 25, 2008 at 2:12 am

    …I need to respond..but I am too grossed out at the thought. Sister decided once use breast milk (collected in bottle) for adding to tea..coz we had run out..that was disgusting enough..this ‘nipple cream’…eeeyow..

  24. Amrita

    October 26, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    Panu – if one goes by Aamir’s The Rising – not much. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, be very very very glad.

    Ritu – damn, you sound like my kinda gal 😀 home made whitener! I’m gonna use that line some day.

    Artnavy – glad someone thinks so 🙂

    Abha – HAHAHA, that’s exactly the scene I was thinking of when I wrote this. I have a feeling I’ll be the same.

    M0rph3us – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! She actually did that? Man, why don’t I know your sister? If it makes you feel better, I had a friend once whose mother made us drink tea that had dead ants floating on top. Protein supplement.

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