Kiss My Chaddis

27 Jul

Dear Obscure islamic Group,

I hear life’s been treating you swell, enabling you to successfully blow up pedestrians and stuff. 49 dead and 200 injured, as I write. Wow. But that’s just another day in Paradise for you guys, no doubt.

In the coming days several TV channels and newspapers will dissect and psychoanalyze your actions. Congratulations on getting their attention. Even Time is weighing in. You know how hard some people have had to work to get into that magazine? They had to, like, fly airplanes into buildings and stuff. For real. You are so made, dude! Maybe now those donations will pour in and you too will find yourself checked into one of those luxurious caves on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, with internationally famous neighbors like Osama bin Laden. Hey, a man can hope. It’s like some people dream of living on Millionaire’s Row, huh? I agree, those things are so last year. Plus, I bet Lakshmi Mittal always misses trash collection day. Probably thinks himself too fancy, the bum.

So, hey, I got a chance to read your letter and it’s absolutely super. I mean, it’s a little flowery for my taste but anytime you use the phrase “terror of Death” (‘d’ capital), it’s bound to be a winner. However, a few notes:

One, if you’re looking for support within India, then the right way to go about it, isn’t by telling Muslim actors to stop working. See, you can screw with the railways, the roads, the hospitals, the airports, the odd prime minister – and chances are, once the immediacy fades away, people will shrug their shoulders and go back to their lives. Fuck with their movie stars, however, and you’re never going to hear the end of it. That is some major stuff and you don’t want to mess with it.

Two, I hate to tell you this, but you shouldn’t really count on people feeling the terror of Death or death or DeAtH or any combination thereof. Not only have they been blowing people up all over the world for a really long time now, but they’ve been doing this in India for nearly as long and while it’s certainly unpleasant, we’ve all kind of gotten used to it as much as you can get used to being blown up. Hey, I’m just the messenger – you wanna get mad at somebody, try the Indian government and those who came before you.

Three, Gujarat riots? Really? Lame! Not only is it years too late to be made into a plausible excuse (really, didn’t you learn anything from the Bombay serial blasts? Now that was timely), Tehelka went at it armed with just a couple of hidden cameras and they kicked that cabal’s ass about a billion times better. Of course, that came to nothing, just as this will come to nothing. In fact, if you ever run into Narendra Modi, be sure you introduce yourselves coz I bet he’ll want to shake you by the hand and plant a big wet one on you for doing him this favor.

Four, if you’ve any cricket-loving friends in Pakistan these days, then you better hide out for a few days because you apparently just played into the Australians’ skittish hands. Yeah, something about South Asia being so unstable and full of bombs and things and how all those bad people will bombs will want to blow them up if they come here. I wasn’t really paying attention. But I can’t entirely fault them for feeling that way given some of the comments they were drawing last year all over the Indian blogosphere. Maybe they think all of those angry people are terrorists.

Which brings me to Five, the blogs. You have it? Please don’t post. I’m asking nicely. A couple of years ago, some idiot in the government decided blogs were how you happy Death-dealers were communicating with each other and they started blocking access. Maybe I’m making this up and it was the ramblings of some paranoid blogger who couldn’t log into his account some day and played it up into a full on assault on civil liberties. Well, whatever. Point is, please try not to blog. You probably won’t like it anyway. For all you know, some 14 year old will find it when he’s supposed to be studying for his exams instead and then he’ll spend all his time trying to get under your skin. The commenters these days are very mean, you know.

Well, that’s it for me. As one of those immoral Hindus, I’ve got my reputation to think about. Time’s a-wastin’ and I’ve yet to put on my slinky sexy instrument-of-Satan saree, grab a bottle of vodka, slap on some bright red lipstick, and head out the door to meet my greasy haired, sambar snorting boytoy of the moment so we can find some random Muslims to persecute while we sing a medley of Salman Khan, Shahrukh Khan and Aamir Khan songs and dance the Bharatnatyam. Busy, busy bee, that’s me!




Posted by on July 27, 2008 in Life, Politics


17 responses to “Kiss My Chaddis

  1. prasun

    July 27, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    Blogger was blocked in India a couple of years ago, though I don’t remember if it was for anti-terrorism

    They even banned yahoogroups a few years ago because there was a north-east anti-India group

  2. Never Mind

    July 27, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    Superbly written!!

  3. ana

    July 27, 2008 at 11:15 pm

    You tell the chosen few, Amrita!

    And there are some who think that it wasn’t Muslims at all behind this violence. . . whaddya think of that. 😮

  4. pitu

    July 28, 2008 at 1:13 am

    ya know, in Pitustan, these evildoers would all be flogged and thrown into dungeons. i would make you the knight in charge of rounding them up because you’d do a swell job and your grammar is always correct. very very maddening. i hope the bangaloreans and amdavadis give the perpetrators a few well-timed thappads (and worse).

  5. Archikins

    July 28, 2008 at 1:19 am


  6. desigirl

    July 28, 2008 at 4:16 am

    No one does it better than you, babe!

  7. BVN

    July 28, 2008 at 4:25 am

    thats a kick in their chaddis 🙂

    but who are they? Obscure shadows 😦

  8. Ramsu

    July 28, 2008 at 4:45 am

    Nice work!

    You missed out on mentioning all those virgins waiting for them in heaven, though. Or maybe that’s just for those in the suicide squads. I wonder if we’ll have a much better shot at world peace if we could just get these guys laid.

    On a more serious note: The explosives these guys used can be made pretty easily, and with ingredients that are widely and easily available. Which means that any random bunch of folks with a grudge can blow things up real easy. Which is kinda scary when you think about it. At some level, we got by without fearing death too much because, let’s face it, the majority of us haven’t been actually, personally impacted by it. So we find that we can sympathize with the “other people” it happened to and move on. But if these guys decide to pick quantity over quality…


  9. Tanay

    July 28, 2008 at 7:47 am

    spot on, indiequill at it’s best.

  10. memsaab

    July 28, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Nice post Amrita 🙂 Sigh. Some days I am glad I don’t have to leave my house…

  11. Amey

    July 28, 2008 at 11:24 am

    Why should Muslim actors stop working? Thinking communally, isn’t it a good thing that thousands, rather millions of Hindus are paying hard cash to see muslim actors? But then, I forgot that logic is not really a factor in the screening process for being a terrorist.

    And Gujrat riots as reason for blasts almost seems like they couldn’t find anything and had to come up with a reason and send e-mail before some other outfit claimed responsibilty. (I can imagine the scene: “Damn it, just put something and press send you idiot.”)

  12. Tania

    July 28, 2008 at 11:37 am

    Great letter Amrita! Very well pu together like your sari clad lipstick wearing self 🙂

  13. narendra shenoy

    July 28, 2008 at 11:49 am

    Dear Obscure Islamic Group,

    Next time you feel like blowing someone up, try Narendra Shenoy of Malad West, who wont mind it. He’ll even tell the virgins you’re coming to spend time with them. But please, spare those hospitals, guys, that’s too low even for the likes of you.

  14. Sachita

    July 28, 2008 at 11:38 pm

    Honestly, how come they are able to get through easily in our country while in USA/UK after that one sept11, they have vanished?

    What did these US and UK guys do right?


  15. Sanket

    July 29, 2008 at 1:07 am

    Random musings, too 😦 to make any rational observations…

    These assholes don’t seem to realize that while virgins are being promised to them in the afterlife, no one said they were going to be female. Unless the terrorists were gay, then most certainly they would be girls.

    My brother just left for Ahmedabad yesterday to study sitar and the bombs went off while his plane was still in the air. Since all the trains were put on hold his train ticket suddenly became useless. He was forced to buy an airline ticket for an 8pm flight and just sat for ~ 19 hours in a way crowded Sahar International Airport.

    Stop Muslim actors from working? WTF? The most famous filmi bhajan from Hindi cinema is ‘Madhuban mein radhika nache re’ – acted by a Muslim (Dilip Kumar), sung by a Muslim (Rafi) with another Muslim providing the music (Naushad Ali). Not sure what all that means but it’s gotta mean something profound.

  16. Amrita

    July 29, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    Thank you everybody, for the comments 🙂 I just wish it was on a better topic.

    Prasun – thanks for the links 🙂

    Ana – if they’re anything like Sushma Swaraj, they must be off their rockers.

    Ramsu – I don’t see this genie going back into the bottle 😦

    Narendra – that’s the part of their plan that really skeeves me out. Even drug cartels don’t do that.

    Sachita – work?

    Sanket – I’m glad your brother is fine 🙂 Great example!

  17. Anonymous

    August 3, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    Very well written! LOL at the notes on the Tehelka piece.

    Have any of you seen the Pakistani film ‘Khuda Ke Liye’? It offers a very interesting (and I know, true) depiction of the struggle between the moderate and extremist Muslims.

    It’s always so disturbing when any group uses a religion to justify its actions. And even more disturbing that we talk about actors in terms of Muslims and Hindus, and not based on top talent.

    And then I remind myself that *people* (not Muslim, not Hindu) with a perverted psyche didn’t let the Mahatma Gandhi live… (sigh)

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