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WRONG!

09 Jul

Ahem. American Wife is Curtis Sittenfeld’s forthcoming novel about a quiet librarian who marries the wild son of a prominent Republican family and ends up in the White House. Does that remind you of anybody? Radar thinks it should, what with the whole librarian-who-runs-people-over thing. They may be on to something.

Here are a couple of excerpts from the imaginary world of George and Laura because, really, why should I be the only one to suffer?

***

Falling in Love!

“His butt was small in the way that I always forgot a lot of men’s were; how could he possibly be an unscrupulous politician with such a cute little butt? Back in bed, he knelt on the mattress—I was lying flat, and he was above me—and perhaps it sounds crude to say that this is the moment I knew I could love him, when I saw his penis. With men in my past, the penis had seemed to me an odd creature, both comic and forlorn. But I felt a great devotion to Charlie when I first got a look at his, the ruddy-hued, upward-pointing shaft, its swollen veins and cap-like tip. All of it was so completely of him, and I felt how there was no part of his body I wouldn’t want to touch, no way I wouldn’t allow him to touch me.”

Passion!

“He bent his head to kiss my sternum, my navel and belly … to open me up, and he brought his face in and was licking me, he was licking me firmly and repeatedly, and it seemed both difficult to believe (Charlie Blackwell’s face burrowed between my legs?) and also entirely inevitable: beyond logic and language and decorum…. His cheeks between my thighs, his bobbing head, and his earnest assiduous lapping—very quickly, it was too much to bear, and I gasped and cried out. It was like tremors, and I felt my thighs clenching around his head, and when he came up a few seconds later and kissed my forehead, I said, ‘I hope I didn’t suffocate you,’ and he said, ‘I can’t think of a better way to go.’

***

I really hope that was an advance copy that still needs major work because otherwise, it won’t be the White House that will be outraged when this book comes out – it will be every single romance writer in America whose work gets sneered at as “silly bodice rippers” while this manual for bad sex is billed as “a masterful highbrow-lowbrow mash-up that satisfies as ass-kicking literary fiction and juicy gossip simultaneously”. Somebody should send Radar a book to read.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pour bleach in my eyes to get rid of the bad, bad images.

[Via Wonkette]

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14 Comments

Posted by on July 9, 2008 in Books, Entertainment, Politics

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

14 responses to “WRONG!

  1. Amey

    July 9, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    NSFW warnings? Where are they?

    While we are at it, “Keep Eye-bleach handy” warnings? Where are they?

    (Will comment later when I get to a “safe” PC)

     
  2. Overated Outcast

    July 9, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    I just thank God profusely that the you did not quote from a book which describes the fictitious sex life of the 80 y.o. couple in the post below ….

    *shoots self*

     
  3. apu

    July 9, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    Are we allowed to make throwing up sounds here? (I didn’t get that poster though)

     
  4. Partho

    July 10, 2008 at 3:08 am

    Actually, every time I’m seeing George this morning since reading your post, I’m wondering about his butt. The thought never occurred to me before. Very very BAD indeed. So bad it’s almost good.
    By the way, Amey, NSFW is mostly measured in visuals/audio, so this post won’t qualify. Who reads text peering over somebody’s shoulder anyway?

     
  5. Amey

    July 10, 2008 at 8:46 am

    Partho, the picture has a thousand nsfw words in large fonts 😉

     
  6. bvn

    July 10, 2008 at 9:35 am

    “beyond logic and language and decorum”…

    i hope nobody was naughty enough to have Laura in mind while reading

    Amrita, will you be reviewing similar books here?

     
  7. Beth

    July 10, 2008 at 9:56 am

    That is TERRIBLE writing. I really enjoyed Prep, and I’m stunned this text is by the same person. I work at a university, so I’m okay on the NSFW front, but I’m still vastly offended as a reader of fiction and user of the English language.

     
  8. memsaab

    July 10, 2008 at 10:09 am

    ***screams loudly***

    I do love your blog, but could have done without this. Understand your need to dilute your suffering though.

     
  9. nits

    July 10, 2008 at 11:48 am

    Amritaaaaaaaa- do you have no idea how the search engines will now wreak havoc on your blog? I predict a “Weird keyword terms that led people to my blog” post coming soon. And then don’t be all coy. You only have yourself to blame.

    I’ll be looking for a cannister to belch into if you need me.

     
  10. narendra shenoy

    July 11, 2008 at 2:54 am

    Here’s something from Shakespeare, which is really pertinent.

    Call it not love, for Love to heaven is fled,
    Since sweating Lust on earth usurp’d his name;
    Under whose simple semblance he hath fed
    Upon fresh beauty, blotting it with blame;
    Which the hot tyrant stains and soon bereaves,
    As caterpillars do the tender leaves.

    ‘Love comforteth like sunshine after rain,
    But Lust’s effect is tempest after sun;
    Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain,
    Lust’s winter comes ere summer half be done;
    Love surfeits not, Lust like a glutton dies;
    Love is all truth, Lust full of forged lies.

     
  11. Amrita

    July 11, 2008 at 11:41 am

    hee hee hee, trauma!

    Amey – what’re you doing surfing the net while at work, huh? This is what you get! … Apologies, babe! 😀 I hope you didn’t get busted!

    OO – Hey, I can type something up just for you if you want! 😉 Ok, ok, put that gun down!

    Apu – I’ve kept a bucket handy. The poster was just something to cheer me up. Here’s a link that explains it and my favorite video built around it

    Partho – I’ve been avoiding pics of Georgie ever since! My eyes!!!

    BVN – would you like me to? 😀 I’ve been thinking about a top five steamy romance list.

    Beth – I know, right?! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I came across that. I guess some people are just not suited to non-autobiographical writing or something. All she had to do was run out and read some Nora Roberts or something if she wanted a quick update on how to write sex scenes. Sheesh.

    Memsaab – *giggles* So sorry!

    Nits – oh, crap! I really hadn’t thought of it. I’m gonna get all weird republican sex searches right? shit!

    NS – That’s actually more than it deserved 🙂

     
  12. Amey

    July 12, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    How are we supposed to spend lunchtime then? And coffee break? And morning and afternoon snack time? 😉

     
  13. Pitu

    July 13, 2008 at 1:27 am

    Ewwwwwwwww! hahahahaaaa!!

    Also, I can’t STAND Dubya but I am extremely disappointed with all these folks who are now taking potshots at him by writing books, making movies (Olive Stone is making ‘W’). It just smacks of flogging a dead horse. They know it’s the end of his reign (thank gawd) and that’s why they’re saying all this. Why didn’t they have the courage to talk about him earlier? Coz there could have been consequences? 😡

     
  14. Pitu

    July 13, 2008 at 1:31 am

    Sry, I forgot the ‘r’. I am sleepy. *goes to sleep blisfully unaware of the terrible porno nightmares that are just waiting to pounce on her*

     
 
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