This is one of those days when I wonder what other wonders of the modern world my cursed TV snobbery has snatched from me. I’ve given my time freely to such works of genius as The Anna Nicole Show and The Newlyweds but I have to admit, it was only because I had company and my interest waned in the off season to the extent that I’ve never seen two or more full seasons of any reality trainwreck of that sort. Why bother really, when they powers-that-be unfailingly come up with a new show that’s even worse and more entertaining every year.
Plus, the thing that made a terrible show so fun to watch had a good chance to end up as a sketch on a show that I actually enjoy watching – like Late Night with Conan O’Brien (yes, still!) where Conan did this killer Anna Nicole Smith impression. You know that bit where Anna Nicole goes down the stairs? Kills me.
But then things like this season’s premiere of The Bachelor take place and I wonder if I’m missing out on something. Ah, trashy TV – if only you weren’t so vast, maybe I could catch up with you. Anyway, thank God for the internet with its trick of weeding out the excess and handing us the relevant coz here’s what went down:
Meet Stacey! She’s a grad student from Chicago. A nutritionist! One day she’s gonna invent the cure for something that nobody knows is bad as of yet. And she’s gonna make this The Bachelor melt in her arms, bitches!
Meet the Bachelor! He’s some British dude whose name I didn’t catch and he does something in London and he’s looking for a girl in America because “the culture is slightly different”. Whatever. Who cares? His big highlight is that he gets to meet – Stacey! Who has a sparkly blue dress! The following is from their first interaction –
the Bachelor: All right, so you tell me, what would you do in London?
Stacey: Well, I love the ocean.
tB: Okay, I love the ocean too, but… there’s no ocean in London.
tB: What do you know about London?
S: The new upbringing cars…
Amrita: British car enthusiast? Huh. She doesn’t look it. The New Upbringing? Is that a new band?
tB: Upbringing cars? (Pause) Like the Prius?
[Amrita: Well, that’s silly. That can’t possibly be what she mea-]
Amrita: Oh. Um… Wow, dude totally kept a straight face. Is he in PR?
Maybe, maybe not. But I do know who deserves a show of her own – and it’s Stacey! Any woman who’d take panties off for some guy she just met on a TV show, deserves to be in the limelight.
Nutjobs. They’re our entertainment future. Believe it. Accept it. Also, eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it. Truer words have never been spoken.
A slightly longer video here that explains all about Stacey riding the nerves of other contestants “like a pony”.