U Me Aur Hum, Ajay Devgan’s directorial venture, is a love story about a couple who meet on a cruise ship and then battle to keep their relationship alive. The synopsis sounds incredibly syrupy for someone with Devgan’s chops but then this is the man who thought Hindustan Ki Kasam and Raju Chacha needed to be produced. However, as far as I’m concerned he’s still coasting on Omkara brownie points, Golmaal to the contrary, and this has Kajol in it so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Besides, Vishal Bhardwaj is the music director and he can do no wrong in my eyes. Or can he? Let’s see:
Jee Le – This is why I love Vishal Bhardwaj: even when he churns out a ho hum song, he does it with more class than just about anybody else. If you’re a fan of Latin rhythms (and it’s hard not to be) then this is a very pleasant song. There’s a fair bit of Spanish – the obligatory amore and te quiero stuff – but it manages not to grate the way others of this ilk so often do. Of course, I don’t speak Spanish so maybe people who do might disagree. I can only hope those lyrics are better than the Hindi ones penned by Munna Dhiman which are strictly pedestrian. Shreya Ghoshal and Adnan Sami croon their way affably through it and it all pretty much sounds like a cruise ship band putting on a performance. I don’t know if that’s what Bhardwaj and Co. were going for, but that’s what it is.
U Me Aur Hum (Part I) – Remember how Shreya Ghoshal was so absolutely lovely and perfect in Jism? Now imagine her being almost lovely and perfect. That’s what this song is. Again, it’s not godawful or hurting my teeth but five minutes from now I wouldn’t remember a thing about it. Actually, no, I lie – I’d remember that little hip-hop-in-the-land-of-boyband riff (“Love gives you the power / to open up and flower / covering every hour with its refrain”) that comes up now and again. I’m really hoping Ajay Devgan lip syncs that bit. There’s nothing like a 40-something man earnestly making cow eyes. Dhiman tries to make up for it in the Hindi lyrics but it’s no go.
Saiyaan – You lost me at first line: “But I asked for a lover who’d be like a girlfriend,” Sunidhi Chauhan complains. So Kajol’s a lesbian then? The rest of the song is about how she finds her hubby such a mystery – he likes to watch TV, doesn’t pay her much attention, is a workaholic, not a morning person, kind of chubby, (“like a haveli“)… I’m sorry, what’s the mystery here? Adding to the confusion, the song stopped halfway through, like they’d just given it up as a bad job. Sunidhi really needs to pay attention to the crap she’s being fed these days if she wants to keep her A-list career.
Phatte – I have no idea what this horror is but it has Adnan Sami battling a severe case of constipation and it makes Sunidhi Chauhan angry. I don’t blame her. Its stated ambition is to make all the “the birds like parrots fly”. I decided to join them in their escape. Tell me when it’s safe to come back.
Dil Dhakda Hai – Oh goody, Adnan Sami’s back to mumble some more. If this is what gastric bypass does to your vocal chords, then it’s time to bring back the fat. This time around he keeps Shreya Ghoshal company. And she sounds terrified as she well should, singing a song about under-seasoned food. Or maybe it’s about oral sex. Or cannibalism. Or something. If I could get over the crappy beats I’d know more. Except, do I really want to find out more about stuff like this:
Tu hai meri shayri
Chori ki hai Dairy
Sher tagde tadge hai
Chidiya Ghar se pakde hai
You are my poetry
From a stolen diary
But the lines are solid
And caught from the zoo
By the time the half-hearted rap shows up, I really don’t give a shit. It’s like kicking someone with a head injury – they can’t even feel it.
U Me Aur Hum (Part II) – Just when I’m wondering when this torture will end, Vishal Bhardwaj breaks out his guitar and sings this song. Suddenly, all those hokey words make sense and the world is lovely again. What the hell just happened?
I have no clue. But I can only hope the movie will be better. Just so it’s, you know, watchable. Also I’m really happy the internet exists so I didn’t have to pay for this crap. The End.