Every so often I come across short snippets of news from around the world that are positively genius but never get mentioned here because they’re just so amazing in and of themselves that writing about them would be gilding the lily. But why shouldn’t you all read about these things just because, you know, you have a life? Yeah, so here’s my collection from this week.
Baby Flush – Mom went to the loo on a train to Ahmedabad and instead of bodily fluids, out slipped a baby girl. Nobody missed her until two stations later when her relatives found her and alerted railway officials. And they found the baby alive! She’s premature, survived a fall through the toilet, lay exposed on the tracks for about and hour and half – but is still clinging on to life. Awesome. Note: Some people have wondered if this was an innovative way to commit infanticide. If so, the baby won hands down.
Racists R Dumb – what do you do if you’re a white South African who doesn’t much like black South Africans? You find a way to take out your rage at the end of Apartheid on them. What do you do if you’re a stupid white South African who doesn’t like black South Africans? You film the whole thing.
Heel Or No Heel – Are you fucking kidding me?!
Cry For Me Kyrgyzstan – Come up with an anti-US song for Kyrgyzstan and they’ll give you $1000. There’re US troops in Kyrgyzstan? I won’t make a joke about geography lessons and places ending in ‘stan’. I will not. It’s too easy.
Oscar Oops – So remember how we had the Oscars this past weekend and everyone who’s ever been at the Oscars got to star in their own special little montage? Yeah, if you want to find out anything remotely interesting about the Oscars, then trawl the internet, don’t look at the Oscars to help you out. That should’ve been the story but it isn’t. No, the story is how they left out half the people who should’ve been on those montages because “they were running out of time”. Heads will… um, wag?
Bollywood’s Own Obama (video above) – Remember that whole Hillary Clinton, D (Punjab) thing? Well, meet Barack Obama, D (Bollywood). Sidenote, I’d completely forgotten this song ever existed. I wish I hadn’t been reminded.
Sister Sister – Ali Lohan is 14 (do not be taken aback by photo) and would like to be an famous alcoholic junkie / sex addict / washed up has been / world famous Razzie winner by the time she’s 21. Just like her influential sister. Also, I read Us Weekly on the internet. Now I need rehab.
Can’t Steal A Brain – Bank robbers ain’t smart. Especially when they stick the same bloody bank over and over and over again.
Edward Norton – is The Hulk. Oh, I’m so scared. Mostly by the thought that that’s his O-face.