What does it say about the world’s biggest, glitziest, humongous-est, celebrity-est, wonderful-est, award show ever that watching Gary Busey (from Entourage – how thrilling.) awkwardly molest Jennifer Garner on the red carpet (update: clip below! Thanks Ian!) was the most fun I had? Yeah, snoozefest. In fact, it was so boring, I’m using a clip from last year to introduce the post.
Jon Stewart tried his best (and HEH @ Gaydolph Titler), but not even he could hold up against the sheer Disneyness of it all and eventually it came down to making John Travolta-has-an-airplane jokes. I blame the never ending carousel of Enchanted songs. I can’t believe I actually liked this movie for a quick second when it came out. However, the sheer awfulness of it – unrelieved by the sight of the kickass Kristen Chenoweth dancing with old people, construction workers and a mariachi band – made me seriously happy when “Falling Slowly” (a song that hilariously includes the line, “You’ve suffered enough and the time has come for you to win”) from Once won the statuette for Best Original Song.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Here’s the full list of winners for all you clever pusses who decided to give the show a miss. I’d join you all in your sensible boycott but then what would I do without my yearly Jack Nicholson fix? Tell me that!
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton
Every single woman nominated in this category deserved to win (not something I can say every year) but I’m so happy my favorite won! I love her like a crazy person and thought Michael Clayton really wouldn’t have worked without her.
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem
He had me at first bloody strangulation. Seriously the best thing in No Country for Old Men. Is it just me or does he look like Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s hotter Spanish cousin?
Best Actress: Marion Cotillard
Every year, you’ll hear somebody or the other mutter how someone else deserved to take home the big prize. I don’t think that fate’s in store for Cotillard though. Julie Christie might have been the odds on favorite to win but Cotillard is just adorable and she pretty much made La Vie En Rose. I’m sorry to be such a philistine (not really but I thought I’d make the effort) but I don’t listen to French music and would never have rented this movie if I hadn’t known who Cotillard was and been intrigued by her clips.
Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis
People really thought that an upset might be possible with George Clooney walking away with the grand prize but I’ve had no doubts since I saw There Will Be Blood. He’s a bit of a ham in it but deliciously so. The Parma ham of acting, if you will. Don’t worry Johnny Depp, your day will come – just for something better.
Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen.
They ascribe their success to the fact that they’ve only ever adapted two writers: Homer and Cormac McCarthy. I’ve loved both those movies (O Brother Where Art Thou? and No Country For Old Men) and think there might be something to it (hello there, The Ladykillers).
Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody
This one is tough. On the one hand I enjoyed Juno and think Cody deserves every success. On the other hand – seriously? It’s like a bunch of really old people sat down and went, “Huh, so this what the young ‘uns are like these days. Let’s give it an award then.” I haven’t seen The Savages, but I thought Michael Clayton, Lars and the Real Girl and Ratatouille were all better written. However, I never discount hype so I knew she was going to win and this is at least better than the award going to some movie that I absolutely hated.
Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen
Awww, Paul Thomas Anderson must be busy sticking needles into his voodoo dolls of the Coens. Other have asked if it would have absolutely killed them to show a little excitement but I’ve seen their interviews and behind the scenes footage from their movies and I thought it was absolutely in character for them to be so lackadaisical about the whole thing. Anyway, who’d want them to be the Brian Grazer of the directing world? And Frances McDormand made up for all their lack of enthusiasm. Cho chweet.
Best Picture: No Country for Old Men.
I haven’t seen Atonement, but of the remaining four, this was the movie that deserved to win. By a hair. I couldn’t put the other movies into an order of preference if you held a gun to my head. Well, no – of course, I could if you held a gun to my head, but I wouldn’t like to do it.
PS – There is much wonder in the land of gossip as to the whereabouts of one Ben Affleck – not only was his wife a presenter but Amy Ryan who acted in his movie was up on a supporting nom. Well, that mystery has been solved: he was out fucking Jimmy Kimmel.