OMG! It’s a modern day slave auction! Hardworking athletes, heroes of their nations, drawn into a hideous human cattle market, suffering the supreme humiliation of having a price put on their talent. What is the world coming to?
Except, of course, these so-called slaves get paid a lot of money ($42 million for 78 players), willingly signed the contracts (and in the case of Australia, leaned on their cricket board to allow them to sign on) and will now play games that will generate a ton of cash for themselves and their “owners”. Um… my heart weeps for them?
On the other hand – what! Rich people getting richer? We’re all getting taken for a ride, I tell you! Sport should be free – it belongs to all of us! It is an honor to play for the nation and for our enjoyment; why do they need to get paid more than an allowance? After all, we don’t give our children money to play, do we? Okay, fine – we’ll throw them a birthday party once a year too. And maybe buy them a doll to play with. A fake one, that is, not Deepika Padukone.
And just look at the people who’ve bought the teams! Filthy capitalists and dancing movie stars – with six-pack abs and dimples! How dare they? Only the people of India should have been allowed to buy these teams! What’s that you say? These people are Indians? Nonsense! Everybody knows a real Indian is poor, illiterate and lives in a village without electricity and only dirt roads to walk on. Everybody else is a Western stooge out to destroy our culture where money is simply not important.
But wait! What’s this? The ICC says there’s no place in the schedule for the IPL to stage its games? Well! Talk about racism! They’re all jealous of Indian ingenuity is what they are! Down with the ICC! And just look where they all met – in Malaysia! Who meets in Malaysia? Underworld characters, that’s who. Haven’t you seen Don and Gangster? Kuala Lumpur is where they all go! Oh my God! They’re going to kill us all!
But what if all this money thing goes to Dhoni’s (those greasy locks are now worth $1.5 million – eat that Andrew Symmonds!) head and we lose all our ODI matches? After all, we’ve lost matches before because our cricketers were busy making too much money by advertising stuff – the talking heads on TV said so! And they never lie! Ad-making is practically devil-worshiping, after all. Everybody knows that!
On the other hand… damn, I’m tired of all this outrage. How long does this news cycle last anyway? Oh, it just goes on till I drop dead of exhaustion? Lovely. You know what, I’m going to conserve my energy. I’ll need it when Lalit Modi brings American style football to India and players start earning tens of millions to mow each other down for the supreme honor of holding on to a ball that doesn’t even look like a ball. Or when Russell Crowe brings his rugby fixation to India so we can lose to the Australians at yet another sport.
Hey, by the way, are these the guys who’ll have to wear those neon orange and hot pink outfits? Oh, please let it be them!
PS – Yes, that’s SRK. If you buy a bunch of people for $6 million then you’ll get your pic up there too.