I don’t know what the hell is going on in Arizona (crazed senior citizens!) but I thank them for giving me a new goal in life – to attend a taser party. Just like a tupperware party except it speeds up the killing process – now you no longer need to cook something awful, seal it carefully in a little plastic box, run it over to the object of your hatred and hope said recipient falls down dead. Instead, you can simply buy a little gadget (pretty in pink and blue!) that will eliminate the messy middle part by directly shooting a burst of hopefully fatality-inducing electric current into the other person.
I like. If you’re throwing one, please send me an invite. I’ll show up with my $350 in hand.
Yes, $350. For about the price of an iPod, you can buy yourself some protection that doesn’t involve firearms or get your hands on a little something to help you along on your serial killing ways, depending on your inclination in life. You want something cheaper that can kill a person, buy a knife at Walmart.
These parties are apparently the brainchild of Dana Shaufman, a saleswoman who got sick and tired of being turfed out of offices when she tried to pitch the many wonderful qualities of a taser to them. Instead, she decided to invite a few women to her home and ask them if they were ready to upgrade from pepper sprays to something with a bit more bite – why temporarily blind when you can fry the brain of your would-be assailant?
And the women of Arizona agree. Will the world follow in their footsteps? After all, it fries pacemakers, induces “excited delirium” (love that phrase! Coz, you know, comatose delirium is so passe), cardiac arrest and respiratory problems – all things you’d wish on an assailant. Of course, sometimes it turns out that the assailant is more of a victim and then it’s really rather sad but hey, at least it’s not as bad as pumping someone full of bullets by mistake.
If arms and ammunition can make people fortunes, why not tasers, after all. Below the catchphrase of our times: