Back From the Wedding

30 Jan

No, not mine. My cousin’s. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice I was gone?! 😦

So… yes, there was a wedding. And now I need to go check in with my gynaecologist to see if all my lady parts are working because everyone keeps telling me that as a girl, I’m supposed to love this sort of thing and I don’t.

I like everything that surrounds the occasion – the whole family gets together, I play dress up, the food’s yummy, booze is free, there’s a lot of excitement/drama (got to have drama!) without any responsibility. Good stuff.

I don’t even mind the actual ceremony – especially when the couple are so made for each other sweet as my cousin and his brand new wife. I’m talking Indian Barbie and Ken, people. And I mean that in a nice way.

No, what I can’t stand is the event surrounding the ceremony.

First and foremost, there are the aunties one hasn’t met in ages who feel compelled to discuss your appearance right in front of you. Yeah, that same old story. It doesn’t matter if it’s complimentary or not – I can hear you, people! Have you noticed how that works? When they say something nice amongst themselves, they’ll turn around, look at you, and repeat what they said. Like you can’t hear them. And if they’re being critical in that ultra-bitchy way that can only come with long years of dedicated practice, they carry on talking, carefully avoiding your eyes, then turn around, look at you and change the subject. Like you can’t hear them.

What the hell? I’m right there! In front of you! Towering over you, in fact, and glittering all over. I heard what you said, woman!

Another thing – stop stroking my goddamn face. Pinch my cheeks if you want, kiss me on the mouth, rub noses with me, press your cheek against mine, give me an uncomfortable body hug. I’ll grin and bear it. But for the love of God, do not – I repeat, DO NOT – stroke my face. I really don’t like the feel of your sweaty palms smearing make up all over my face. It makes me want to reach over and use the pallu of your expensive Kancheepuram saree as a makeshift towel. Would you like that? No, right? Then quit stroking my face!

Also, uncles can shake my hand. Really. It’s quite okay. I won’t jump up and scream rape. And I promise I won’t jump your bones either. It’ll be quite difficult to restrain myself because everyone knows balding old men who don’t use deo are incredibly hot, but I’ll try my best.

Apart from these annoying incidents that repeated themselves endlessly (have you ever been to a South Indian wedding? Even if the ceremony gets over in the blink of an eye, if you’re closely related to the bride or groom, you’re stuck from sun up to… well, not quite sun down but nearly that long), it was as fun a wedding as it had any right to be.

There was a band that played songs in high decibels and three languages to aid the digestion; there was a classical duet that needed to be waved into silence so that the priest could recite the required slokas; there was an elephant that roused false hope in my breast – I was so sure they’d force my poor cousin on to it and make him ride it into the hall but alas, the bride’s family lacked my vision; there were pretty babies and self-conscious young girls whose fashion disasters (two words: purple netting) immediately made me feel better about my advanced age and greater wisdom (#1 advice: let your mother dress you. #2 advice: pray really hard that she has good taste); there were cousins I hadn’t met in ages and was quite happy to see again.

And now that I’m back home with my mom and dad, a thought that I’ve often had has crystallized into a firm decision: when I get married, I’m having the whole thing at home with no one but close family and friends in attendance. If I don’t know you personally, you don’t get an invite. My parents can throw themselves a big party later and have the time of their lives – that’s fair isn’t it?

Unless they arrange for the groom to ride in on an elephant. From his hotel/home to the venue. If he’s willing to suffer, then so am I.

No wait, scratch that. If he rides in on an elephant, will he then smell like an elephant? Don’t want to be stuck for hours next to a hot, tired man who smells like Jumbo. It’d probably put me off my food. That’s no way to start a marriage.

PS – I just read the whole thing over and I guess what I’m trying to say is: Like weddings. Hate people. Yeah, that sounds about right.


Posted by on January 30, 2008 in Personal


14 responses to “Back From the Wedding

  1. Amey

    January 30, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    You know, in Maharashtra (and perhaps North India, not sure about that) groom rides on a horse to the wedding hall. Will you consider that alternative to elephant?

    And don’t worry about the smell. From what I know of the weddings, either you will have enough perfume around to take a bath, or there really will be people around who smell like they have taken a bath in perfume.

  2. headmistress

    January 30, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    all the desi weddings I’ve been to have always been full of some really malodorous aunties and uncles, so perhaps the elephant won’t make such an impact…
    perhaps elopement is the way to go?

    also! I’m tagging you with the you make my day blog award meme thingy. spread the love 🙂

  3. lekhni

    January 30, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    I am trying to picture you in a Kancheepuram sari drinking the free booze 🙂 Really, free booze in a South Indian wedding ? How times have changed.

  4. Skan

    January 30, 2008 at 11:46 pm

    LOL. I hear you about the sun up thing. I was “bridesmaid” at my aunt’s wedding and having being one for numerous aunts, I thought no problem. I show up, get dressed in whatever hideous meringue dress, smile, get photo taken by smarmy photog & occasionally fluff the train. No, she was marrying a South Indian and I had to be at the temple at 6am! I never forgave her.

    Hey, I really like the jewelry in the pix though.

  5. Bikram

    January 31, 2008 at 2:14 am

    One thing I hate about marriages is – I need to do ‘Peri Pona’ [touch feet] for countless number of times, that too, for unknown people. Where did these uncles / aunties come from? And, of course, there’s this nagging – “you’re next in line. Now we need to find a bride for you.”. Goddamn it. I hate arranged marriages.

  6. Amrita

    January 31, 2008 at 2:43 am

    Amey – nooooooooo! I want my elephant! 😀 You’re right about the perfume though – phew! that thing did stink.

    HM – my dad is convinced I’m going to run off to Vegas and my mother keeps yelling at him not to give me any ideas, so who knows, lol! And I’ll get right on the tag!

    Lekhini – no, no, no! No Kancheepuram saree for me and no booze at the wedding itself… I wore a nice chiffon saree and got the booze at the million and one dinners surrounding the wedding – not that anyone thought of offering me any but my dad’s well mannered like that, thank God.

    Skan – that pic’s off some site 😀 click on it and it’ll take you to the page. Thankfully they didn’t make us go to the temple this time but when my cousin sis got married, that’s where we went alright 😦 *grumble grumble mutter mutter*

    Bikram – hahahaha! You know what my cousin did for the peri pona thing? He sat down in a chair and did it. Well he had to, poor thing or else he wouldnt have survived the ceremony – his mom has 6 siblings and his father has four and the ten of them have countless children who’re all older than him (except for me). it took him fortyfive mins to get done! If ever I have an arranged marriage, I think I’ll have to go in for some endurance training beforehand.

  7. charukesi

    January 31, 2008 at 3:06 am

    what? you are saying you didn’t get looked-over up and down, getting sized as a prospective bride for a nice boy one one of the aunties knows? you haven’t lived. and of course, if you are already married, then apart form the comments on the looks and cheek stroking are also several pointed questions on baby – especially absence of it in life. you have a lot to go through, Am!

  8. dipali

    January 31, 2008 at 11:44 am

    Was seriously missing a post from you!
    Loved this- it is all so typical of our weddings. Well, most of them. Mine was a quiet, simple, Arya Samaj mandir affair which started around 11a.m, followed by lunch.
    A cousin had recently undergone surgery, so his mother, my favourite aunt, couldn’t make it. The basic funda in having a wedding that you like is in convincing the guy that simple is fine. But of course the ‘peri pona’ continues forever when the huband has lots of senior family members whom you do meet occasionally, even when you’re middle aged and fat and bending over isn’t all that easy anymore(:

  9. rads

    January 31, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    LOL. Don’t we all? Yes, even the married ones with kids in tow.
    Love weddings and hate people I mean 🙂

  10. عمار - aMmAr

    January 31, 2008 at 11:41 pm

    And I thought only Pakistani aunties tickle, stroke, kiss your face and mess your cool hairdo in seconds which took you 20 mins or more to make.

    Muslim weddings are not a right place for picking up ladies, almost every hot gurl is married and one is left to babysit the early teens 😛

  11. Amey

    February 1, 2008 at 11:21 am

    OK, so you are really wedded to the elephant? Or is this just a “Haathi Mere Saathi” nostalgia?

  12. the mad momma

    February 1, 2008 at 11:34 am

    oh come on Ams.. we know you love weddings :p and people. and you’re next 😀

  13. Amrita

    February 1, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    Charu – well, some auntie tried once long back and my dad bit her ear off 😀 my dad’s got major problems recognizing that his little girl is actually not so little anymore. Long may his delusions continue!

    Dipali – I aim to please 😀 your wedding sounds lovely, I think thats the kind that I would like too if only I could convince people to do it!

    Rads – LOL, only some of us – the rest are trying to make us hate people and love weddings.

    Ammar – no, it’s a subcontinental disease! And from what I remember of Muslim weddings, maybe you should try slipping over to the ladies side somehow coz that side is always full of some amazing looking chicks 😛

    Amey – so you are really wedded to the elephant? HAHAHAHAHAH! I hope not!! No, I just like the idea of torturing someone with it! hee hee.

    MM – AAAARRRGGGHHH! You did not say that!

  14. Amey

    February 1, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    Aww… and here I was, all ready to belt out a rendition of “Chal chal chal mere haathi, aur mere saathi….”

%d bloggers like this: