I really thought I was done with the whole Tom Cruise-Scientology thing but what do I know? I hadn’t yet seen the “Sec Whole Track” – the Scientology questionnaire. According to Radar, these are the questions asked at “audits”. There are 343 of them, but Radar brings us the choicest. So I obviously had to answer them.
• Have you ever enslaved a population?
No, but there was this gorgeous population of swimmers at my local gym once that I really desperately wanted to.
• Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?
I know what you’re trying to ask and no, I don’t snort coke.
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I have only ever killed the right person.
• Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Okay, I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’m an excellent kisser. I mean, excellent. Phenomenal. Understand?
• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Only according to my family.
• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. There was once an extended family of lizards that met their tragic end on my direct orders. Yes, I have flunkies. I’m a superior wipe out-er.
• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
All the time.
• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
“Unnatural” fashion? No, but I’d be interested to listen to you explain what “unnatural” means.
• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
He may be my ex, but that’s still not a nice way to talk about him.
• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yo-ho-ho! Yarr! I harve!
• Have you ever been a pimp?
No, but I’ve had a pimple.
• Have you ever eaten a human body?
No, but I’ve eaten chicken and I hear that’s practically the same thing!
• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Okay, last year I got this awful haircut that completely disfigured my beautiful hair and it was completely traumatic because some trainee did the highlights and they looked awful too. It was really sad.
• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Omigod, you guys, it’s, like, my favorite activity, like, EVER.
• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Um, I was an editor at a magazine once.
• Have you given robots a bad name?
Well, I really try to be nice, you know? But there was this one robot that was such an asshole!
• Have you ever set a booby trap?
No, my boobies have never run wild. Besides, I’m not into S&M.
• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
You’ve been talking to my Journalism professor haven’t you? Well, let me tell you – oh, that’s not the leader you meant? That’s a “lead”? Oh. My bad.
• Have you driven anyone insane?
Only my father.
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I’m quite thorough.
• Is anybody looking for you?
My parents. Every other second of every day. Aargh!
• Have you ever set a poor example?
Why would a poor person take my example?
• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
• Are you in hiding?
Yes, that’s why I got a blog.
• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
You obviously haven’t read my About page.
• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
You mean like, “House work is the tyranny of order over the free spirit of universal chaos”?
• Have you ever gone crazy?
Only when my mother starts nagging.
• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
No, that took place on its own.
• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
I wouldn’t dream of deserting or betraying myself. More to the point: can’t.
• Have you ever smothered a baby?
You mean you haven’t?
• Do you deserve to have any friends?
I not only deserve to have friends, I deserve to have YOUR friends too.
• Have you ever castrated anyone?
You know the problem with castration? I’ll tell you the problem with castration – when you hate someone enough to cut their pee-pee off, the last thing you want to do is actually look at it much less touch it. So…
• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
I think I told you I’m not into S&M.
• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Really, I’d never take that tone with you. I consider it quite rude.
• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
In my spare time, I slowly pull apart tiny strings to destroy the fabric of the universe. It’s quite fun but hasn’t worked yet. I think I’m pulling the wrong strings.
• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Sorry, all that Trekkie stuff leaves me cold.
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Did I spread a body with VD? EW! If I ever turned lesbian, it sure as hell wouldn’t be for Paris Hilton.
This has been so much fun! My Saturday is looking up already.