RSS

Scientology Asks Questions

19 Jan

I really thought I was done with the whole Tom Cruise-Scientology thing but what do I know? I hadn’t yet seen the “Sec Whole Track” – the Scientology questionnaire. According to Radar, these are the questions asked at “audits”. There are 343 of them, but Radar brings us the choicest. So I obviously had to answer them.

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
No, but there was this gorgeous population of swimmers at my local gym once that I really desperately wanted to.

• Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?
I know what you’re trying to ask and no, I don’t snort coke.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I have only ever killed the right person.

• Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Okay, I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’m an excellent kisser. I mean, excellent. Phenomenal. Understand?

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Only according to my family.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. There was once an extended family of lizards that met their tragic end on my direct orders. Yes, I have flunkies. I’m a superior wipe out-er.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
All the time.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
“Unnatural” fashion? No, but I’d be interested to listen to you explain what “unnatural” means.

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Hasn’t everybody?

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
He may be my ex, but that’s still not a nice way to talk about him.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yo-ho-ho! Yarr! I harve!

• Have you ever been a pimp?
No, but I’ve had a pimple.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?
No, but I’ve eaten chicken and I hear that’s practically the same thing!

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Okay, last year I got this awful haircut that completely disfigured my beautiful hair and it was completely traumatic because some trainee did the highlights and they looked awful too. It was really sad.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Omigod, you guys, it’s, like, my favorite activity, like, EVER.

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Um, I was an editor at a magazine once.

• Have you given robots a bad name?
Well, I really try to be nice, you know? But there was this one robot that was such an asshole!

• Have you ever set a booby trap?
No, my boobies have never run wild. Besides, I’m not into S&M.

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
You’ve been talking to my Journalism professor haven’t you? Well, let me tell you – oh, that’s not the leader you meant? That’s a “lead”? Oh. My bad.

• Have you driven anyone insane?
Only my father.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I’m quite thorough.

• Is anybody looking for you?
My parents. Every other second of every day. Aargh!

• Have you ever set a poor example?
Why would a poor person take my example?

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Muahahahaha!

• Are you in hiding?
Yes, that’s why I got a blog.

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
You obviously haven’t read my About page.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
*head wobble*

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
You mean like, “House work is the tyranny of order over the free spirit of universal chaos”?

• Have you ever gone crazy?
Only when my mother starts nagging.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
No, that took place on its own.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
I wouldn’t dream of deserting or betraying myself. More to the point: can’t.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?
You mean you haven’t?

• Do you deserve to have any friends?
I not only deserve to have friends, I deserve to have YOUR friends too.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?
You know the problem with castration? I’ll tell you the problem with castration – when you hate someone enough to cut their pee-pee off, the last thing you want to do is actually look at it much less touch it. So…

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
I think I told you I’m not into S&M.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Really, I’d never take that tone with you. I consider it quite rude.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
In my spare time, I slowly pull apart tiny strings to destroy the fabric of the universe. It’s quite fun but hasn’t worked yet. I think I’m pulling the wrong strings.

• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Sorry, all that Trekkie stuff leaves me cold.

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Did I spread a body with VD? EW! If I ever turned lesbian, it sure as hell wouldn’t be for Paris Hilton.

This has been so much fun! My Saturday is looking up already.

Advertisements
 
8 Comments

Posted by on January 19, 2008 in Personal

 

8 responses to “Scientology Asks Questions

  1. Amey

    January 19, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    The second you mention being a magazine editor, the questions about being a critic, zapping somebody, even about disfiguring a beautiful body become moot points, don’t they? 😉

     
  2. Jawahara

    January 19, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    This one begs to be a tag I think.

     
  3. Skan

    January 19, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    You slay me, you really slay me! ROFMLAO!

     
  4. Amrita

    January 21, 2008 at 1:09 am

    Amey – whatever did magazine editors do to you? 😀

    J – you got it, babe! :mrgreen:

    Skan – we aim to please 😉

     
  5. Amey

    January 21, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Not me directly, but ask anybody (need not be a writer for saying anything against editors) 😉

     
  6. headmistress

    January 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    oh my lord, these are so surreal! I was trying to explain what scientology was to my lil sis the other day, but my garbled and scant attempt sounded like some bad sci-fi flick.
    and I agree, this totally should be a tag.

     
  7. Amey

    January 28, 2008 at 9:39 am

    Tag tag tag tag… This one is really worthy to be a tag.

     
  8. Ramsu

    September 15, 2008 at 2:35 am

    Awesome!

    I wonder what Tom Cruise’s answers were. For the one about giving sanity a bad name, he probably just has to write one word: Oprah.

    ~r

     
 
%d bloggers like this: