Scientology Asks Questions

19 Jan

I really thought I was done with the whole Tom Cruise-Scientology thing but what do I know? I hadn’t yet seen the “Sec Whole Track” – the Scientology questionnaire. According to Radar, these are the questions asked at “audits”. There are 343 of them, but Radar brings us the choicest. So I obviously had to answer them.

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
No, but there was this gorgeous population of swimmers at my local gym once that I really desperately wanted to.

• Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?
I know what you’re trying to ask and no, I don’t snort coke.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I have only ever killed the right person.

• Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Okay, I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’m an excellent kisser. I mean, excellent. Phenomenal. Understand?

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Only according to my family.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. There was once an extended family of lizards that met their tragic end on my direct orders. Yes, I have flunkies. I’m a superior wipe out-er.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
All the time.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
“Unnatural” fashion? No, but I’d be interested to listen to you explain what “unnatural” means.

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Hasn’t everybody?

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
He may be my ex, but that’s still not a nice way to talk about him.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yo-ho-ho! Yarr! I harve!

• Have you ever been a pimp?
No, but I’ve had a pimple.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?
No, but I’ve eaten chicken and I hear that’s practically the same thing!

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Okay, last year I got this awful haircut that completely disfigured my beautiful hair and it was completely traumatic because some trainee did the highlights and they looked awful too. It was really sad.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Omigod, you guys, it’s, like, my favorite activity, like, EVER.

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Um, I was an editor at a magazine once.

• Have you given robots a bad name?
Well, I really try to be nice, you know? But there was this one robot that was such an asshole!

• Have you ever set a booby trap?
No, my boobies have never run wild. Besides, I’m not into S&M.

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
You’ve been talking to my Journalism professor haven’t you? Well, let me tell you – oh, that’s not the leader you meant? That’s a “lead”? Oh. My bad.

• Have you driven anyone insane?
Only my father.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I’m quite thorough.

• Is anybody looking for you?
My parents. Every other second of every day. Aargh!

• Have you ever set a poor example?
Why would a poor person take my example?

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?

• Are you in hiding?
Yes, that’s why I got a blog.

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
You obviously haven’t read my About page.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
*head wobble*

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
You mean like, “House work is the tyranny of order over the free spirit of universal chaos”?

• Have you ever gone crazy?
Only when my mother starts nagging.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
No, that took place on its own.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
I wouldn’t dream of deserting or betraying myself. More to the point: can’t.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?
You mean you haven’t?

• Do you deserve to have any friends?
I not only deserve to have friends, I deserve to have YOUR friends too.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?
You know the problem with castration? I’ll tell you the problem with castration – when you hate someone enough to cut their pee-pee off, the last thing you want to do is actually look at it much less touch it. So…

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
I think I told you I’m not into S&M.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Really, I’d never take that tone with you. I consider it quite rude.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
In my spare time, I slowly pull apart tiny strings to destroy the fabric of the universe. It’s quite fun but hasn’t worked yet. I think I’m pulling the wrong strings.

• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Sorry, all that Trekkie stuff leaves me cold.

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Did I spread a body with VD? EW! If I ever turned lesbian, it sure as hell wouldn’t be for Paris Hilton.

This has been so much fun! My Saturday is looking up already.


Posted by on January 19, 2008 in Personal


8 responses to “Scientology Asks Questions

  1. Amey

    January 19, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    The second you mention being a magazine editor, the questions about being a critic, zapping somebody, even about disfiguring a beautiful body become moot points, don’t they? 😉

  2. Jawahara

    January 19, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    This one begs to be a tag I think.

  3. Skan

    January 19, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    You slay me, you really slay me! ROFMLAO!

  4. Amrita

    January 21, 2008 at 1:09 am

    Amey – whatever did magazine editors do to you? 😀

    J – you got it, babe! :mrgreen:

    Skan – we aim to please 😉

  5. Amey

    January 21, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Not me directly, but ask anybody (need not be a writer for saying anything against editors) 😉

  6. headmistress

    January 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    oh my lord, these are so surreal! I was trying to explain what scientology was to my lil sis the other day, but my garbled and scant attempt sounded like some bad sci-fi flick.
    and I agree, this totally should be a tag.

  7. Amey

    January 28, 2008 at 9:39 am

    Tag tag tag tag… This one is really worthy to be a tag.

  8. Ramsu

    September 15, 2008 at 2:35 am


    I wonder what Tom Cruise’s answers were. For the one about giving sanity a bad name, he probably just has to write one word: Oprah.


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