Tom Cruise, Actor on Tom Cruise, Scientologist

15 Jan

I keep thinking that tomorrow Tom Cruise will hold a press conference and say, “Ha! Fooled ya, suckers!” but considering Mark Ebner sent it out and the thing was apparently taped for a Scientologists’ award function, chances appear to be very slim.

This video went viral after it was posted on Gawker and The Huffington Post yesterday and within half an hour it was pulled down. However, that was a half hour too late. It keeps mushrooming up all over the Internet. Here’s one of many Youtube uploads – watch it before it gets pulled! And if you’re too late, search for it on Youtube, I’m sure someone else would have posted it in the meantime.

I really think this is some of the best work Tom has done in years. Here’s a transcript from UsWeekly (which “mysteriously” pulled rather than correcting a story about Katie Holmes running the Boston Marathon in spite of not qualifying for it):

“I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist, and it’s something that you have to earn because a Scientologist does… has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them.
“Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident… you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.”But that’s what drives me… I know that we have an opportunity to really help… effectively change people’s lives and I am dedicated to that. I am absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.
“We have a responsibility.
“We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions… we can rehabilitate criminals.
“…We can bring peace and unite cultures…

“Traveling the world and meeting the people that I’ve met, talking with these leaders in various fields, they want help and they are depending on people who know and who can be effective and do it and that’s us. That is our responsibility to do that.

“It is the time now. Now is the time… Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it, you better know it and if you don’t, go and learn it, but don’t pretend you know it. It’s like we’re here to help.

“If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, you see things the way they are, in all its glory, all of its complexity and the more you know as a Scientologist, you don’t become overwhelmed by it.

“Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean. That’s what I want it to be. There’s times I’d like to do that, but I can’t because I know I have to do something about it.

“I have to do it because I can’t live with myself if I don’t, and that really is it.

“So it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality. We have that responsibility to say, ‘Hey, this is the way it should be done because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.’

“And let’s get it done. Let’s really get it done and have enough love and compassion and toughness that you’re really going to do it and do it right.

“I have to tell you something – it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and wooly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast, it really is fun because, dammit, there is nothing better than the going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see things are better.

“I want to know that I’ve done everything I could everyday, and I think about those people out there who are depending on us. I think about that and it does make me feel that we’ve got more work. I need more help, get those spectators either in the playing field or out of the arena. Really, that’s how I feel about it.

“I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything. [laughs] There’s nothing part-of-the way for me.”

PS – For those of you who have no idea what any of those terms mean, here’s the always helpful Towleroad. News is, Ebner knows where to get his hands on plenty more videos like this one. Should be a fun year coming up.

PPS – Now that the video above has been pulled, you can try the link Apu gives below. If that doesn’t work either, try this. It’s a newscast so it can’t be pulled but it’s not the original 9 minute clip. It does however have that music. Yay! Also, read this. Hilarious!


Posted by on January 15, 2008 in Celebrity, Entertainment, Video


11 responses to “Tom Cruise, Actor on Tom Cruise, Scientologist

  1. Skan

    January 15, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    Well, that was pulled off faster than Paris Hilton’s knickers … Pity I could not watch the video but thank goodness for the USWeekly transcript.

    I just have a couple of questions.

    Was Jesus Christ, Buddha, Mohammad and the 9 Prophets (is that right? Sorry, my knowledge of Sikh religion is hazy like Sumatra after a forest cleansing) Scientologists?

    When they get the drugs off the presumably rehabilitated criminals, do they give them all to Mr Cruise?

    Lastly, (I lied, I cannot count) can he share these drugs please?

    Thank you.
    Want To Be Converted If You Can Share Those Drugs

  2. apu

    January 16, 2008 at 12:49 am

    That one is gone, but I found another link put up a few hours ago….for the viewing pleasure of your readers, its here 🙂

    It has to be one of the craziest things ever, and the ending is something like “Tom Cruise the Messiah”……

  3. OrangeJammies

    January 16, 2008 at 4:50 am

    Adderall! Ritalin! Clozaril, I say!!!

  4. Amrita

    January 16, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Skan – AhAhah @ Paris Hilton. To answer your questions:
    1) According to Will Smith (sob! Xenu strikes again!) – yes!
    2) No, they give it to Katie, which is why she looks so sedated these days
    3) No, because YOU DON”T KNOW. Don’t ask what you don’t know. It’s quite clear you dont know. You probably go on vacations. You speed by accident victims. You can’t cure heroin addicts in 3 days. YOU DONT KNOW. so no drugs for you. 😛

    Apu – thanks babe! I can’t wait for Ebner to come out with more. This is so entertaining!

    OJ – failing which, straitjacket! 😀

  5. Skan

    January 16, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    Brilliant! Thanks for the update! Hope you don’t mind but I wrote a blog in response to this which I am gonna paste here. Not trying to shanghai your blog but just wanted to share with you .. you can delete it if you so wish after you read it.:)


    As I lay me down to rest … oh, wait, wrong prayer …

    Dear Lord, I swear I meant to let my Cruise Commentaries rest once and for all but I don’t know, I just don’t know.

    Our Father who art in Heaven
    Hubbard be thy name
    Thy KSW come, thy Tom be done
    On Earth as it is in Heaven
    Give us this day our daily LRH
    Forgive us our out-ethics, as we forgive those who spectate against us
    Do not bring us to the PTS
    But deliver us from SPs
    For thine is the Scientology, the power, and the glory for ever and ever

    On that note …

    I have decided I love Scientologists. Thank you, thank you for the sheer joy of your existence!! You light up my life, you give me dope to carry on …

    I found the video & a brilliant newscast from those wonderful peeps in Australia who have exhibited wonderful powers of editing to make an already funny video downright evil.

    As I speed by the accident .. I slow down only to take down the licence plate number so I can buy the lottery with the number. Because I have to rush to the hot dog stand because I am not in the playing pitch and the arena is crowded. I will also endeavour to spectate without letting him (the Cruiser) see my eyes as the poor man cannot even go on vacation. Bless.

    Yes, Mr Cruise, you do need help.

  6. Amrita

    January 19, 2008 at 2:23 pm

    Skan, delete it? are you kidding? That was frickin’ brilliant! Btw, do you have a blog? Coz you never leave a link so if you have one, please do 🙂

  7. Skan

    January 19, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    LOL, Amrita, thanks so much but I absolutely loved your Q&A! I was tempted to do something similar but there are just too many & I knew I would lose interest midway!

    I have been so inspired by your posts I even wrote one regarding Indian swear words too. I tried out the Nepalese swear word … heheh.

    Well, my blog is actually on a networking website so you would have to register & all (and put up with their crazy restrictions … grrr) to read it there. But if you are interested, I would be more than happy to send you an invite. Just email me . 🙂

  8. rishi

    January 21, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    You know, I get a feeling that the PR guys of Tom cruise have decided that it is no longer useful to build him up. They seem to want to tear him down. Just like what happened to Britney.

  9. Skan

    January 23, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    Hey Amrita, I came across this fantastic spoof by Jerry O’Connell which I thought you would like. Cracked me up. Am guessing Jerry’s not a Scientologist …

  10. Amrita

    January 25, 2008 at 2:53 pm

    Skan – I LOVED that video! I never thought one way or the other about JC but he’s got major cajones!

    Rishi – well, I dont know who does his PR these days but remember when he suddenly went crazy and tumbled off his pedestal? That happened right after he fired his long standing publicist and hired his sister instead. That basically ended after a year of extremely negative press and I dont know who handles his PR now. Whoever it is, I wouldnt want to be in their shoes.

  11. Skan

    January 29, 2008 at 5:13 pm

    At the risk of sounding a Scientology stalker, here is the very interesting Gliossip radio interview and another hilarious parody.


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