This little piece of gossip about Pete Doherty’s new drinking buddy – his cat – made me think of all the celeb-related tragedies that have befallen pets in the past year or at least made the news. Here are my top ten people who shouldn’t be allowed near an animal.
10. Ellen deGeneres – Because she’d just give it away. And then cry about it in a completely weird way on national TV.
9. Rekha – Actually, I don’t know anything about Rekha and her pets but I saw her in Om Shanti Om and in my terror, the thought came to me: I bet she eats puppy dogs for breakfast! Alive! I don’t know why this is but this is what my intuition says. Perhaps her juxtaposition with Riteish Deshmukh had something to do with it.
8. Paris Hilton – Where do all those chihuahuas go? And don’t think I haven’t noticed that most of her pets go inside her handbag. You have your cellphone, your pocketbook, your lipstick, your tissue, and your monkey. Plus, she’s Paris Hilton. That’s reason enough for anything.
7. Mike Huckabee’s son – Q: What do you do when you’re in Youth camp? A: You hang a dog. Q: Why? A: Coz you suspect from its emaciated appearance that it had mange. Not so surprising from a kid brought up by a father who once thought AIDS patients should be
quarantined “isolated” and believes to this day that casual contact can spread HIV.
6. Sharon Stone – She’d probably make a coat out of them. Cruella de Vil is nothing compared to this woman’s mania for fur. I’d say give her a goldfish to love but I’m afraid she’d take one look at it in its little bowl and think it was a new way to plate sushi. No, seriously. Look at those eyes. Two words: manic episodes.
5. Mitt Romney – People who strap their doggies onto the roof of their car for a cross country trip, terrifying it enough to poop uncontrollably, should NOT be allowed to have pets. Period.
4. Amy Winehouse – I wouldn’t trust Amy Winehouse with herself at this point in time but this story about her killing a hamster doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. But then, it was called Georgie Porgie, poor thing, and owned by a guy named Peter Piper. Maybe she thought it was better off dead. I kid, I kid.
3. Britney Spears – Quite apart from the fact that she picks up puppies from stores that are later found sourcing their dogs from puppy mills, a woman who isn’t allowed to drive her children shouldn’t be allowed to clutch a puppy and drive from fast food joint to Starbucks and back.
2. Pete Doherty – Getting your kitten addicted to crack – IS. NOT. COOL. On the other hand, it made me laugh and laugh and think of all sorts of inappropriate puns. Yes, I’m ashamed of myself. Sorry.
1. Michael Vick – Yes, dog fighting is illegal. Yes, it will put you in prison. No, I’m not sorry you’re going broke. Dumbass.
PS – Somebody tell Pete Doherty that an animal famed for its indifference is not one that can be counted on to guard your back in a barroom brawl. So he should just leave the miserable thing at home. He’d know that if he wasn’t high. Also, that kitty? I WANT. Pout.