The world of gossip is often labyrinthine but I find it endlessly fascinating. Take, for example, Queerty’s report yesterday about Ted Casablanca (E! Gossip-in-chief) debating the accidental outing of the original Latino sensation (okay, not really but he was for my generation) Ricky Martin by his skin care guru, Ole Hendrikson:
When asked who he’d spend a romantic vacay with other than his partner, Henriksen replied: “I’d go for Stig Tøfting [former Danish soccer player], but since he’s straight, I’d say my client Ricky Martin.”
The “debate” part of it comes from the fact that Ted C (presumably) read a translated version of Hendrikson’s interview (originally given to a Swedish paper) – so was something lost in translation?
Really, who cares? My interest in this matter is entirely tangential, because this made me think of the other things I know about Martin: he once went on a date with Sushmita Sen and he likes to take golden showers. For Sush’s sake, I hope he didn’t do both at the same time but hey, consenting adults and all that.
To get a golden shower, for those of you sweet innocents that still exist out there (married too! Yes, I’m talking about you! You know who you are. Kisses!), means you get peed on. R. Kelly made this practice pretty famous a while back in some grainy footage shot with an underage girl. In recent times, Kim (who?) Kardashian tried her best to bring it back into fashion.
Now gross as this sounds, sex can get a whole lot more disgusting than this. “Getting inventive” in the bedroom isn’t always about dressing up and role playing or even BDSM – it’s about getting your rocks off in ways that appeal to you and your partner even if people outside your bedroom don’t share your likes. There’s a world full of fetishes out there that I don’t think are illegal but are plenty strange. This is why I’ve never really understood why so many people get grossed out by the thought of what goes into gay sex when everything a gay couple would do, straight couples do and more.
Anal sex? Check. Oral sex? Check. Sex toys? Check. There might be lesbian couples out there who like to get some red wing action (dude, you don’t want to know. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Okay, you twisted my arm) but I’ve only ever come across it in hetero situations (no! Not that way. EW!). And when Ted C ran a Blind Item on scat a while back, it was about one guy, two ladies and a plane of glass. I sincerely hope none of you are eating while reading this blog. If you’re trying to stick to a diet, however, I’m happy I could be of assistance.
Every so often you’ll hear or see an episode of some TV crime show about some kid whose ideas about sex were completely warped by porn. I can remember at least one CSI episode about this guy who kills a porn star because he’s watched her videos so often, he can no longer have sex with his regular girlfriend and thus got dumped. Definitely, porn and porn addiction have been well and truly scrutinized from all sides for the effect they can have on people’s regular sex lives and mental well being – good or bad.
But what about the sex they show in regular movies? How many of us head for our first sexual experience expecting violins to play and the guy to take off his shirt and reveal a physique like that of Brad Pitt circa Thelma and Louise or the woman to take off her top and show off some Pamela Anderson boobs? Even if we aren’t that delusional, we still think it’s all going to be lovely and pretty with soft lighting. Rainbows will come out and unicorns will gallop.
This isn’t sex like they show in the porn movies, it’s lovemaking. Just think of the hype surrounding people’s first kiss: isn’t it sweet and lovely and special? Won’t you remember it forever and ever? Uh, newsflash: most people’s first kisses are horribly awkward. When you do something that you’ve never done before, you can hardly expect to be a maestro.
Similarly sex. But you couldn’t prove it by all the popular fiction out there. That’s why they call it fiction and it’s popular.
Above is Ricky Martin singing “She Bangs“. Below is what you’re likely to get. Enjoy!