18 Nov

The Scene: An OR full of people in surgical masks, all whispering to each other and sort of ignoring the most important person in the room – me.
The Victim Patient: Me
The Doctor: Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyena

Me: So, um, I know this is a bit late but how much is this going to hurt?
Doc: Only as much as a tooth extraction.
Me: Uh…
Ms. Hyena: Heh heh heh.
Surgical staff: Heh heh heh.
Me (thinking): I don’t like you.
(aloud): Uh, that’s…er, not good.
(Note: Surgery = not good. Check.)
Doc: Okay, Amrita, I’ll tell you when it’s going to hurt, all right? So now you’ll feel something like an ant bite.
Me: Ow.
Doc: (silence)
Me: Ow?
Doc: Okay, now you will feel the ant bite.
Me: Oh. Oh, ow! OW!
Ms. Hyena: Heh heh heh.
Doc: Okay, now you will feel a little prick.
Me: Heh heh heh.
Doc: Huh?
Me: Er, noth – yeeeow!
Doc: Right.
Me: Ow, eeyow, ouch, oooh!
Doc: It’s over, it’s over, it’s over!
(poke, poke, jab, jab, grind, jab, jab)
Me: Argh!
Doc: Done!

We certainly were. I got a big fat eye patch taped to my eye (thus scaring some Cataract Granny who was interested in my possibly gory experience for about one millisecond) and went home, resolved to come back two days later for the other eye. This was because, as my father pointed out to all and sundry including myself, I was as brave as a lion.

Yeah, the Lion from the Wizard of Oz. But I had to go back for a check up in any case so I thought I might as well. Round Two began in the waiting room when Kangaroo Man bounded out of the OR and collapsed next to me, panting to his wife that they’d “torn my eye apart”. I then felt him dart a glance of profound pity in my direction. Or so I think. I’d taken off my glasses and couldn’t see a blessed thing.

Doc: So I’ll tell you when something is going to hurt.
Me. Okay.
Doc (sotto voce): That other guy had four in his eye.
Ms. Hyena: Heh heh heh.
Flunky: Heh heh heh.
Doc: We don’t even have clamps small enough to handle some of those.
Ms. Hyena: Heh heh heh.
Flunky: Heh heh heh.
Me (thinking): Er, clamps? In his eye? Gulp.
(aloud): Um, so you said you’d tell me if you…?
Doc: Yes, yes, I’m just feeling the area now.
(poke, poke, squish, squish)
(Note: buy surgical gloves. They feel good when groping about inside the eye.)
Doc: Okay, Amrita, you will now feel a small prick.
Me: Heh heh heh.
Doc: (silence)
Me (perfunctorily): Ow.
Doc (perfunctorily): Done. Tell me if this hurts.
Me: Absolutely.
Ms. Hyena (perfunctorily): Heh.
Me: OW.
Doc: And that’s it.
Me (feeling blood/ tears/ liquid pouring down my cheek): Really?
Doc: Yes.
Me (thinking): How come?
(aloud): So I’ll see you downstairs?
Doc: No, let me just patch this up and then I’ll see you next week for a check up.
Me: Er. Okay.

Doctors. They love you and leave you something fierce. All that shared pain and bodily fluids – did it mean anything to her? No. I was just a slab of meat. Boo hoo hoo! Beast! You never loved me!

Oh, well. Back to the real world. I hear y’all had a real busy week.


Posted by on November 18, 2007 in Personal


10 responses to “Hola!

  1. Amey

    November 18, 2007 at 2:54 pm

    Personally I am about as callous to anything coming near my eye as Rachel.

    And the last time I saw an eye doctor, she (despite being a loving grandmother-kind) poked an anaesthetic between my nose and my eye, and then scraped the inside of my eyelid. So I can sympathize with the pirate-patch kids as well as Gandhari kinds (I was one for more than a day)

  2. Kokonad

    November 18, 2007 at 6:12 pm

    Heh heh… stories with eyes are very gory. Always. *shudders and goosebumps.

    I remember when I had injured my eye while playing volleyball 6 years back – a collision with a teammate broke my glasses and [etc]

    I had passed out from fear and pain, and the next time I regained consciousness, a doctor had a surgical needle less than 6 inches from the eye.

    “Holy s%!&, what are you doing?”

    🙂 Well, get well soon!

  3. Jawahara

    November 19, 2007 at 5:41 am

    Ummm….gosh, this really freaked me out. I hate having my eye touched. Thanks for the nightmares!

    Hope you get better soon. take care

  4. desigirl

    November 19, 2007 at 6:13 am

    trust you to make it like a trip to Halloween Land or something! Are you well now? What the hell was this for anyway?

  5. Raja Sen

    November 19, 2007 at 6:18 am

    ‘A little prick’ indeed.
    blasted Pink-Floyd referencing medicos.

    week was insane. hope you’re well now, though.

  6. OrangeJammies

    November 19, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    And you are BAAAAACK! Welcome back, girl! Was waiting worriedly….
    About being blind-without-glasses: I know, I know. I so know. 🙂

  7. Aspi

    November 19, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Welcome back, Amrita!

    The worse thing about this is that you can’t try the time trusted technique of looking away and pretend to be surprised when it happens.

  8. Amrita

    November 19, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    hello hello, nice to be back where I’m appreciated 😀

    Amey – oh ew! ugh ugh ugh! Not you 🙂 but the scraping thing.

    Koke – Ha! 😀 you remind me of my brother who once required four burly orderlies to hold him down while he got ten stitches put in.

    J – Lol! okay, then I guess you don’t want to hear what I recently learned about the LASIK process 😀

    DG – i’m slowly working my way through various little things in my eye and on my eyelids so i can get that LASIK out of the way. although now that i know what it entails, i dont think i want it thanks 😦

    Raja – lord, i’d completely forgotten about that 😀 i’m afraid my mind was a lot more in the gutter

    OJ – smooches! thanks, i’m all okay now 🙂

    Aspi – thanks 🙂 i tried but they made me open my eyes and stare 😦

  9. Amey

    November 20, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    Not you, but the scraping thing

    Phew, I was all geared up to defend myself…

    feeling blood/ tears/ liquid pouring down my cheek

    So what was the verdict?

  10. Amrita

    November 21, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    Amey – I’m all systems go for Lasik. Now ask if I’ll actually say yes to having flaps made in my eye and lasers burning away at the insides of my eye after the events of last week! :mrgreen:

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