Did you always want to see five thirty-something women armed with bra tops and evening gowns show off their toned bodies while seductively draped over various bits of dusty furniture in a bid to recall their twenty-something hey-day? Do you like your music to hug the lower curve of bland pop? Is Wanna Be the soundtrack to your life?
In that case – CONGRATULATIONS! It’s your lucky day because the Spice Girls have reunited to bring your fantasies to life! You lucky ducky you!
Let’s make the headlines
Loud and true
(Say you love me and I’ll say our love is true)
I wanna tell the world I’m giving it all to you
(Just remember what simple words can do)
Let’s make the headlines
Loud and clear
(All the love I ever give to you my friend)
The best things certainly happen when you are here
(Just remember friendship never ends)
No, it’s not just you. I don’t know what the fuck they’re saying either. Something about hitting on a friend and making him say he loves you – and then not letting him take it back even if he wants to or make feeble excuses about how he meant it platonically coz you’ll immediately call all the papers and tell them what he said. Damn, that’s hardcore.
No wonder Scary Spice thought Eddie “I don’t know whose child that is” Murphy would make an excellent baby daddy. Oh, and I’d say that particular friendship has most definitely ended. Nothing like being called a straight up ho in the most kiss-ass celebrity magazine ever (you might know it better as People) to make a friendship end.
The surprise package is ol’ Sporty Spice, who unleashes some monster pipes. Girl got a voice! Actually it’s probably her four… bandmates’? groupmates’? mates’?… whatever‘s nifty trick of softly whispering their way through a song to cover up a dire lack of talent that makes her stand out to such stunning effect. Someone will have to download the song and report back coz I’m sure as hell not doing it. Sorry, sweethearts, I’m very fond of you all but within reason. Take comfort in the video.
Of course, there’s also Posh Spice who’s absolutely stripper-tastic. She strikes a few poses that Madonna already did to much better effect in her Like a Virgin days (what, 20 years ago?) and in one hilarious scene fails to lip sync properly. It’s taken me over ten years but I think the time is now right to say that after giving it long and deep thought, I’ve decided Posh is my favorite Spice. She’s at least an original. An original what? I have no idea. I think she’s a bit like an appendix – her purpose is simply to exist. (No wait, Duke University says the appendix might be useful after all, so that’s that.)
Bt the way, are they all still called by those names? I mean, Baby Spice has a baby of her own by now – isn’t it time they cast around for a new name or something? At least get some new nicknames. And get someone else to write your songs like you did before. Why mess with the formula?