I love television… it’s just the shows I can’t stand.
Oh, some of them I love and adore. Enough to splurge my (parents’) hard earned money on their official, overpriced DVDs. And that’s an important detail because if I like the show then sooner or later it’s going to be canceled. So yes, in addition to being a cricket jinx, I’m also a TV show-jinx.
Don’t believe me? I have two words for you: Veronica Mars. All the Mars bars in the world weren’t going to save that show once I decided I liked it. Then a couple of months ago, my friend sent me Battlestar Galactica DVDs (it’s one of those mysteries of the universe – how did I not get on that bandwagon earlier?) and as soon as I got hooked… guess what? Canceled, baby!
The Amrita Curse. It’s something to be afraid of. If you’re not already.
But then there are other shows, which seriously? I don’t care if they get canceled tomorrow. But they never will be – they’ll probably go on forever and ever and ever and ever. Like the entire Law and Order series. Or CSI. There was a moment there when I cared about CSI: NY and predictably enough, that was when everybody was buzzing about how it was going to be canceled. I lost interest and hey, presto! It’s killing the ratings. Or something. It’s still around anyway.
Then there’s the third kind, the shows I’d rather read than watch. On paper, a recap of a TV show sounds horribly dull. And it can be, when done by the wrong person: just a list of actions carried out by a bunch of characters. In the right hands, however, it can be a thing of tremendous joy. Here, in no particular order, are five shows that I love to read all the time and occasionally watch:
Bionic Woman: The story of a woman who’s converted into a half-robot superhero by circumstances beyond her control must have been a very cutting edge sort of a concept back in golden hued yesteryear (although even then it apparently got canceled due to low ratings) but in this era of CGI? Not so much. Still, if you compare with the video above, it’s so much more fun to read about:
Before you conclude that this is a PETA stunt gone awry, observe that at the far end of the room, coincidentally bathed in the room’s one lonely shaft of intense glow (coming from the catacomb’s…skylight?), is a blonde in a hospital gown, who’s crouching over yet another body, her back to Shadowy. We swing around to look her in the face, seeing that she is none other than Battlestar Galactica’s Katee Sackhoff, sporting some blood smudges (as you can imagine) as she miserably whimpers, “I didn’t want to.” See, this is where you feel sympathy with her, because of all the times you’ve killed a bunch of people even though all you were trying to do was eat lunch and maybe rescue a few kittens. Her feet and legs covered with blood, she slowly turns around, still in a crouch, to face Shadowy and the SWATs. “I’m not in control,” she says through uneven breaths. Shadowy looks at her sadly and says, “I know.” He knows! They look at each other, and she chokes out, “Tell me you love me.” Hey, don’t beg! When you have to ask for it, it doesn’t mean anything! She and Shadowy stare at each other. His jaw quivers, because he is the sensitive kind of shadowy. Without getting an answer, she pounces (okay, she clearly has not read The Rules) and flies through the air in the direction of Shadowy and the SWATs. With her still airborne, Shadowy drops her with one shot from his big gun (heh), and she hits the ground hard, face-first. Believe it or not, that’s not the most painful end of a relationship I’ve ever heard of.
Private Practice: I loved Addison Montgomery Shepherd on Grey’s Anatomy. She was a kick ass bitch who was so hot, she could’ve turned me gay. She was smart, successful, compassionate, flawed, funny and – best of all – she wasn’t Ally McBeal-ish in the least. Then she slept with Alex Karev, found out she couldn’t have a baby and it all went to pot. So newly super-needy Addison (who will now get kissed “with tongue”) heads to California:
“You think you’re gonna go there and do what?” snarks Webber. “Dance in your underwear?” Man, it would be crazy if she actually did that! But Addison likes the idea: “Maybe I’ll dance naked!” Gosh, do you think she will?! Webber sneers that she’ll be back soon, begging for her old job; when she doesn’t back down, he reluctantly promises to “keep the job open as long as I can” — or at least until ABC decides whether to order an entire season of this show.
Californication: I appreciate good quality smut just as much as the next person but seriously? I do not need to see this much of David Duchovny getting it on. Do not need! Do you hear me show? But I’ll still read about it… if you can find someone to recap it, given that even TwoP has given up. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, kind of like all his relationships on that show:
Meet Hank! He’s totally irreverent; you can tell because he drives around L.A. in a convertible while wearing black, smokes, and has cool-guy chats with Jesus Christ in a church during the opening seconds of the premiere episode. Oh, that Hank! So irrepressible!
Hank’s a writer who’s suffering from writer’s block, he tells Jesus. He’s got stubble and floppy hair, but it helps that he looks just like David Duchovny. A helpful and hot nun interrupts his conversation with The Lord to offer him a blowjob right in the church. Then she kneels down and gets right to it. Peee-yew. Hank helpfully holds up a hand to avert Jesus’s gaze. But it’s just a dream! The blonde is actually just some girl waking him up with a very similar, but slightly less spiritual, blowjob. The last scene was totally just to let us know Hank Has Issues. Getting laid a lot probably helps, though. Hank talks about oral sex with the topless non-nun in bed while they smoke and she tells him that her husband never gives her orgasms.
American Idol: Okay, who am I fooling here? I love this show! It’s the sign of the apocalypse and I want them to beam me up already! But it cannot be gainsaid – sometimes, I’d rather read about it. Like last year’s grand (yawn!) finale, for example.
Jordin gets some cheers from Foxworthy and a very unhappy Jerry Springer. All night long, you don’t see one without the other; it’s telling. America, see what happens when you stop paying attention? The cheers are louder for Blake, but it’s a West Coast audience so that doesn’t mean anything. Ryan gives propers to “the people who discovered them in the first place,” the judges. Randy’s wearing a strange, ugly jacket that makes him look like the leader of a small African nation in some terrible ’70s movie. Paula’s hair is smaller, her nose is adorable, and she’s looking fine. Time enough for the ugly crying. Simon’s wearing: a black jacket, shirt open to here, a proud expanse of rich white flesh, a smarmy stare, and a sexy wink at Ryan. Those two. How weird is it when the slashers win and the people give in?
Sa Re Ga Ma Pa: What do you get when you put Himesh Reshammiya, Vishal-Shekhar, Ismail Darbar and Bappi Lahiri on the same stage with a revolving door of celebrities? Awesomeness, that’s what! But… I have to confess, I enjoy the recaps from Aspi & Co. a bit more than the actual show.
These days I am filled with admiration for Aneek Dhar. Why? For one, there is that terrible moniker he has to live: Royal Cub of Bengal. It gets thrown in his face several times a show. Then he has to live with being Himesh Reshammiya’s chela – a feat that must surely require Gandhian levels of tolerance. And then, his guru puts tons of pressure on the poor lad every time he comes out to sing. “Romance karo” he orders. “Sing your best otherwise you’re gone” he threatens. And Aneek walks up and cranks out one terrific performance after another – all in good humor without missing a beat. Someone make the guy the coach of the Indian cricket team!
Now that Aspi’s turning his eagle eye on to Jhalak Dikhla Jaa 2, all I want is for someone to start recapping CSI: Miami and my life will be complete.