Britney at VMA: Sarah Silverman Did It

10 Sep

From Dlisted

Well, MTV, it was a long, hard struggle but you finally did it – you have plumbed the depths of pop culture and won the title of Supreme Trainwreck Transmitter. I don’t know who on earth can top the disaster that was Britney Spears at the VMAs this weekend but I’m sure someone is already trying. However, right at this moment, this instant? You win, MTV, you win.For those of you completely disconnected from the outside world who depend upon me to bring you news of the great, big Outside, you might be surprised to know that Britney was the opening act at MTV’s Video Music Awards. Just like a couple of years ago, remember? When she was making hit songs and practiced Kabbalah and Madonna was her make-out partner?

Yeah, this was gonna be just like that except she doesn’t have any songs out there, hit or otherwise, she’s divorced, has two kids, there’s no Madonna or Kabbalah in sight and… let’s be real here for a second, shall we? There’s one reason and onely one reason why Britney was invited to open the VMA this year and that reason was not to give her a “second chance”. The reason why she opened the show (Kan-ye “Please Stop Whining” West, kindly pay attention) is because MTV knew people would tune in to watch the latest low in the life of an ex-pop princess. And so they did and the VMA, fighting a ratings slide, won big time.

As a million others have already written in the past few hours, Britney at the VMAs was pretty much a disaster. Here’s what Associated Press had to say:

As in most train wrecks, it was hard to focus on just one thing as the Britney Spears disaster unfolded on MTV’s Video Music Awards. There was just so much that went wrong. Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears’ once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance.

And that’s one of the kindest reviews out there. I don’t think even Britney bashers, and there’re quite a few of those out there, expected things to come to this pass.

Camp Britney was on the defense almost immediately afterwards with fans on Breathheavy and X17 suggesting that she was thrown off her stride when she heard comedian Sarah Silverman (who presented an uncharacteristically lame monologue) riff on her kids during rehearsals. Silverman called the two little boys “the cutest mistakes” she’d ever seen.

What?! Silverman thinks itty bitty babies are legitimate fodder for her comedic mill?

Clang! Clang! Clang! The sound of righteous indignation gathers strength and rolls right over fact! You see, Silverman wasn’t calling the kids mistakes, she was poking fun at Britney who supposedly once told her kids in a (drunken?) rage that she regretted marrying their dad (Kevin Federline) and that the two of them were mistakes. I don’t know how much of the “insult” the kids understood or cared about either time given that they’re both toddlers but whatever.

I don’t know what to say. It’s so easy to laugh at this… except it stopped being funny a while back, you know? Now it’s just sad. And I’m not even a Britney fan.

When I was a little kid, I used to think it must be wonderful to be some kind of child prodigy. I guess Britney isn’t exactly a “prodigy” but she did achieve fame and she did it the old-fashioned way: by working. Let’s give her that much. She isn’t famous for absolutely nothing like some others I could mention and she doesn’t hang out on MySpace all day and write bitchy little notes to other famous people her age. No, she’s too busy having a nervous breakdown in public.

It’s a bit surreal to realize that while she and I are around the same age and she’s achieved considerably more than me in terms of work, recognition and money, I might still have ended up with the better deal simply because I got to transition from my teens to my twenties the normal way.

I wasn’t some corporate product by the time I was eighteen, portraying myself as the ultimate virginal slut to sell records to the maximum possible demographic. I got to lose my baby fat at my own pace and when I pigged out after my big breakup and gained some unsightly pounds, I had to live with the scrutiny of my mother and friends, not the international media. I sometimes think my emotional baggage could rival Mt. Everest but I don’t think it would ever include a restraining order against my mom, wild speculation about my private life upto and beyond wondering whether my ex-husband and my mother are secretly having an affair, and the lack of any friend at all who’d come drag me off to vegetate a bit in peace if my life got even half as dramatic as hers sounds.

Take Britney out of Hollywood and she’s just another woman going through a difficult patch in her life. She’s in fantastic shape for a normal woman and by that I mean the average woman who’s just had two babies in quick succession. But she’s not your average woman. She’s Britney and how dare she not look 16 anymore?

Of course, she does do some pretty weird things, no question. But those seem like acts of opportunity rather than acts of deliberate planning unlike what that other famous weirdo of our time, Michael Jackson, would do.

Listen to me, I sound like a demented Britaloony standing up for her idol no matter what! But that’s how bad I feel for this girl.

Nobody knows what to do with Britney now she’s all grown up and not virgin-slutty anymore. She doesn’t know who she is because she’s never had to bother herself with those questions; someone else always thought it out for her. The companies don’t know what to do with her because she was so perfect in her original role and now she’s this … thing… and they don’t know how to market it. And we don’t know what to do with her because when popstars reach the stage she’s reached, they’re supposed to just disappear until 20 years later someone will ask – “Hey, remember Britney? I wonder what happened to her?”

Except we live in the world of constant information now and we just aren’t allowed to shut our eyes to what happens in those long years the has-been spends away from us.

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Posted by on September 10, 2007 in Celebrity, Entertainment, Music, News, Television


11 responses to “Britney at VMA: Sarah Silverman Did It

  1. vinyabarion

    September 10, 2007 at 4:38 pm

    Wow… I have to say that I totally agree with you and the worst thing about the whole thing was that I was actually rooting for her… It’s sad that she can’t pull herself together and even perform anymore. I was so dissapointed. And I couldn’t even laugh, I was just sad and felt embarrased for her. Spot on.

  2. kellysmack

    September 11, 2007 at 12:28 am

    very thoughtful. and pretty much what anyone with a soul would hopefully think about the whole thing. It’s pretty easy to rip on her, but no one is in her head, shoes, or thong. No one can possibly know what’s going on with her.. and um, coming from someone who can’t handle more than one stressor in life – I’d hate to get on stage after I’ve felt lowdown and beaten up. In front of millions. With my cottage cheese thighs and floppy belly.

  3. Amrita

    September 11, 2007 at 1:13 am

    Patrick – I think a lot of people were rooting for her. You know, be that comeback kid who proves everybody wrong. But this is real life and when she can’t even do what Ashlee Simpson did… sad.

    Kelly – I know, thats the worst thing. who on earth let her do that? MTV was apparently throwing their weight around before the show – couldn’t one of them have said something about that outfit? No wonder she was so out of it, I’d crawl deep inside and go to a place far far away if I were standing in front of millions like that.

  4. DesiGirl

    September 11, 2007 at 5:32 am

    woohoo! check out the belly on the babe. i am not surprised she tanked on the night. nah am not being bitchy or anything, i think she isn’t properly out of her downward spiral to be the vamp sensation. Look what the Kidman did when Cruise dumped her – bought heels for the first time in a decade with a ‘whoopee’ and proceeded to have a life and a career (well after a crying jag or a few). but the britters, well, I know I asked this before but where are her ‘well meaning friends’ and family if they are letting her flounder about like flotsam and jetsam? i think the poor kid needs to get off the limelight, take some time out with her children and try to actually have a life. there will always be new pop stars but those kids will have just one mum and for better or for worse, it’s her.

  5. mas agus

    September 11, 2007 at 7:21 am

    fu’k’ng britney ;;;;;;;;!!!!!!!

  6. Terri

    September 11, 2007 at 11:16 am

    Belly, ya? What belly?!! Wait until you see mine. After your eyes stop jiggling, Britney will seem downright sexy to you.

  7. uproar

    September 11, 2007 at 4:01 pm

    Here’s the saddest gathering ever. The commnetators in this forum are people that are caught of with what what the media thinks what you or should not look, eat, say, think, etc.

    I am not a BRITNEY S. fan and i will be the first person to say that her performance at the VMA wasn’t the way that she was known for as far as performing is concern.

    But my goodness! Taking cheap shots at BritneyS. is one, but to include her innocent children by saying they’re the “most precious mistakes?”, c’mon now, in national tv. It was the lowest that any comedianne could go.

    If you feel that there was nothing wrong with what she said about her children, then most likely you don’t have any children. And if you do have children, and you’re not remotely disturbed with her statements…then you’re your parents most precious mistakes.

    If you think Britney S. body’s horrible, take a look at yourself, i mean a really good close look at yourself….i rest my case.

  8. lastnerve

    September 11, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    Totally am NOT a Sarah Silverman fan! Took a real woman to do what she did didn’t it? I hope she can sleep at night. It will be ironic if the same thing happens to her!

  9. Amrita

    September 14, 2007 at 3:08 am

    DG – you know thats the sad thing, I dont think she has any friends to hang out with. and she seems to have some major problems with her family

    mas agus – in your dreams 😛

    Terri – tsk tsk, Marketing 101: you’re, um, Rubenesque, yeah? 😀

    Uproar – meet Chris Crocker:
    You’re going to make beautiful babies. You’re welcome.

    lastnerve – eh, Britney signed up for it when she went on that stage. I don’t really blame sarah.

  10. DesiGirl

    September 14, 2007 at 2:20 pm

    Maybe I could loan my MIL to her – on a permanent basis! 😉 wat say?

  11. topfloor music

    November 19, 2007 at 5:47 pm

    I think it’s only a matter of time before Britney runs over a photographer and kills ’em. What happened to that sweet old Britney we used to know and love?

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