Everyone tells me that director David LaChapelle (Amy Winehouse’s Tears Dry on Their Own, Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty) is some kind of genius artist and now I see they’re all absolutely correct. David LaChapelle is a genius and his art is hypnotism. It obviously required great powers wielded by a master to convince Jennifer Lopez to do this video.
In it, La Lopez sings about how she wants this guy, the likes of whom she’s never met before, to just “do it, do it, you do it, do it, you’re doin’ it well”. Apparently, what he does so well is land on his ass because she spends all her time beating up on all the guys she finds at a sex club. Which also employs Asian child labor. To wash dishes. In a cupboard. Coz that’s what sex clubs do with little Asian slave kids. Hey, this is a family video, people!
I mean, for God’s sake, she saves a child! A child! A small child! Like, a small Asian child. Who can transmit images of himself to her phone, while locked in a sex club’s cupboard washing dishes… Whatever. I watch Bollywood movies. I can live with this storyline.
Special shoutout to three things:
- I don’t know who choreographed La Lopez’s fight steps but I’m going to make a wild guess and say they were not fans. How is it possible to make one of the most celebrated dancers of our time, the woman with a much-talked about, much-envied figure, look both awkward and fat simply by making her push various people around? I mean, she starts dancing or singing and she looks just fine. She starts beating up on people and wow! There goes the coordination and out jumps the fat. And this is the woman who took on Don Cheadle and George Clooney in Out of Sight and looked lethal while she did it.
- The funniest scene is when she sings “All of a sudden couldn’t take my eyes off you” and the two Asian chicks start licking that weird penis-shaped prop. Like that, is it?
- The nicest bit of the entire video lasts a whole one second – when she grins at the little kid in the end. She actually looked human there. You think the rest of the video was performed by her robot-twin?
Something tells me Madonna, Xtina and Gwen Stefani are giggling into their pillows tonight.