I was chuckling over Terri’s account of PDA at a ball game and, this being the patriotic season and all that, it set me to thinking about all the times I’ve had to pay attention to DAs, P or otherwise, as an Indian.
Human beings are social animals and Indians spend a lot of time worrying over society at large, so perhaps it’s not surprising that the male-female dynamic is the thing that strikes us most when we leave our hometowns or our shores. My father, for instance, once told me that he acclimated far more easily to the language and food in Paris, where he spent the 1960s, than the sight of everybody constantly making out. “I’d look out my window and they’d be kissing under the lamp post,” he said aggrievedly, while my mother looked on as if she’d have liked some of that lamp post action. “The whole street is deserted but they would only kiss under the lamp post!”
The girl-boy thing is definitely what strikes me first about a place. When I was fourteen, for instance, my father decided to retire and move our family back to our (then) sleepy little hometown. A Delhi girl to the core, I was not thrilled at the prospect. I was especially unhappy when it gradually dawned on me that one of the bigger reasons behind my father’s sudden longing for a town he’d always condemned as a dinky little hottub of busybodies without any claims to civilization (I’m paraphrasing here), was Me.
Daddy, it seemed, didn’t relish the thought of his baby daughter growing up into one of those party-hopping young females who hung out in Delhi’s ‘farmhouses’ (dude, it’s Mehrauli!), getting high on drinks mixed with “something” by perverts, which could lead to “God only knows what”. Translated from dad-speak: he was afraid I was gonna get date raped by some sonofabitch who liked to get his women via the services of the friendly neighborhood roofie dealer.
Well, our hometown was the right the antidote to that, all right! I’d known for years that there wasn’t a place in town that I could go on my own without my mother getting hourly updates from some aunty I’d never heard of who’d seen me coming out of this shop or getting into that one. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know anybody in town. Everybody in town knew me. Just what every adolescent wants to know.
But none of it prepared me for the first day of school. My new school was run by the Navy and as I’d grown up around Army families I thought I knew what to expect. So I sauntered into class in my hideous navy blue (what else?) pinafore (!) and was immediately confronted by long lines of students literally separated by a vast gulf of gender. Girls to the right, against the windows; boys to the left, huddled by the wall.
Behind me lay Delhi with the slowly unfolding dances of thirteen – the previous year, the entire five sections had come together to observe the courtship of two of our number. He was a Punjabi from D, she was a Bengali was B – and never had East and West met under more mushy circumstances. There was the day when she’d begun to sob hysterically during our annual class trip (Hang nail? Frizzy hair? Catfight? What tender things have been erased from this accursed memory of mine?!), and could only be comforted by his manly voice saying: “Ey! Stop crying, na!”
In front of me lay my own first brush with romance, conducted under the interested gaze of the entire senior section (“They don’t think much of your glasses but other than that they think you’re hot!” were his romantic words to me, I remember). They were far more thrilling days than any I could’ve managed in Delhi – a trip to the ice cream parlor was fraught with danger (what if the owner, my cousin by marriage, should see us canoodling?), as was a lunch at the Taj (what if my dad’s friends saw us there?). We did manage to go to the movie theatre in peace but then spent all our time worrying whether the owner (family friend to half the known universe) had come by to check the collections and noticed us.
For the most part, we held hands in the school bus home: sweaty, tired, squeezed in at all sides, our hands (hidden under piles of heavy schoolbags thoughtfully provided by all our best friends) getting more and more slippery with perspiration as we made conversation with those same friends who were standing guard in a semi circle in front of us against any inquisitive teacher-type eyes.
We did this so well for two years that at the end of it a couple of teachers took my best friend aside and told her how sad they were to see her “behavior”. They thought she was dating my boyfriend. Heh heh heh. But that’s another story. Point is, just hanging out with a girl was enough to get both you and the girl into trouble. You didn’t even have to actually go out with each other. You just had to look like you were.
Then there’s the story of Bangalore. My best friend, a Malayalee, told me her entire family disapproved of girls who’d studied in Bangalore because they were all a little fast. Bangalore was basically Sodom and Gomorrah rolled into one with a little bit of Vegas thrown in (not the gambling or anything but… you know – what happens in Bangalore, stays in Bangalore?) if you were willing to invite that sort of “filth” into your family. I guess Vendakka Gundappaswamy won’t want to marry me then. Or is it Jincy Mincy Quincy Joseph? Well, boo hoo anyway.
But all this new fangled “fastness” is slowly drilling its way into the chaste heartland. If all our ‘innocent’ boys and girls aren’t imbibing all this ‘western’ behavior from the ether (or Bollywood movies although, have you noticed, all the kissy bits take place in the middle of a deserted field or far away in Switzerland? And when they do flirt in public on Indian soil, they’ll sing songs like: Khullam khulla pyaar karenge. A sort of pre-emptive strike), then the Westerners are bringing it with them. Talk about dilemmas: do we want their tourist dollars (and pounds and euros and what have you) enough to handle their hugging and kissing in public? Today they kiss each other (on the mouth!) as they say goodbye – tomorrow they’ll have sex on the beach and not the alcoholic kind either!
Hey, it could happen. Haven’t you seen From Here to Eternity? People who have sex in the middle of WWII can have sex anywhere! Tsk, tsk!
Anyhow, I’m here to bring you news that one day, sooner rather than later, you or someone you know is going to actually hold hands under a lamp post. It could be your mom and dad or your kids or your wife (maybe, preferably with you?). And when it happens, please don’t leap into the air with fright and scream, “Naheeeeen! yeh paap hai!”
Because it’s not. It’s kinda nice. Try it some time. After all, pyaar kiya toh darna kya is more than a song.
PS: that bit about my mother and lamp posts? Lies! I don’t like to tell too many people this but did you know I’m the result of immaculate conception? Fact.
August 16, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Amrita, despite growing up in the boonies you managed to get by without kissing the inside of your arm for practice? Aaaargh!!!
Seriously though, is it just the legally wedded southern Indian male that’s so strait-laced?
August 16, 2007 at 5:00 pm
another interesting post from you Amrita !!
August 16, 2007 at 5:29 pm
“The whole street is deserted but they would only kiss under the lamp post!”
i don’t know french. is ‘mistletoe’ pronounced ‘lamp post’ in french or vice versa, or maybe there is some connection? 😉
‘toh’ is another one of my hindi transliteration holy cows (or pandas). oh well … if amrita the delhi-ite(?) types like that, duniya kaa kyaa hogaa?!!
August 16, 2007 at 5:46 pm
s.b., what’s the problem with “toh?” Why is it driving you up a bamboo shoot?
August 16, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Holding hands, eh? 🙂 Did that to a friend once, while walking along my favorite beach in Chennai in broad daylight (cough.. evening… cough). And by all standards, it was crowded, like any other evening.
After a while, I realized that people were looking at us. Then I realized that she had figured it out about 5 minutes before I did. And was feeling uneasy about it too, while I was all comfortably numb.
And in a city like Chennai, if you see a lamppost – Run. Run away. Run like the wind. And don’t look back. Also, take your girl along.
Immaculate conception? Heh! 😀
August 16, 2007 at 8:56 pm
toh = तोह (this word does not exist in hindi)
to = तो (correct spelling)
fwiw, check out my favourite transliteration tool.
August 16, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Ah! The stories I could tell about furtive affection. One of these days, I’ll work up the courage.
August 17, 2007 at 9:34 am
school bus home 🙂 reminds me of my school days..mine had more twist. Those days with limited amount of pocket money [had to cook up some jhakaas stories to get that extra amount from maa], had to think before what if that ‘someone’ turns up with some of her friends, damn shit I am out of cash 😦
This was in grad school days. There was a red-bench where the chosen few in the batch had the right to go. Send you the pic, check that, its heavenly. A dilapidated red-bench, on the hillock and in front of you is the sea. Salty breeze and no crowd..just ah ha
August 17, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Terri – inside of your arm? Sounds painful 😀 Does the palm count? And I dont know about south indian males. All the ones I know are very seedhe sadhe pappu kind on top and very chaalu beneath
aMmAr – Thanks 🙂
SB – yaar, don’t get me started. I stuck to “to” for years and years and then I saw Pakistanis (!) use “toh”. Phir mera kya hoga SB deah? I can see the writing on the wall and it says “toh”.
Koke – Terri tells me in chennai the best place to make out is spencer plaza 😀 Personally that place sorta creeps me out but since the beach is out…
Suj – we’re all friends here. Tell, tell 😀 How come there arent any mile high club stories around here?
Tanay – we too had a special bench in college. it was right outside the principal’s office. you had a lovely view of the office where they could draw up the papers to expell you while you waited 😀
August 17, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Immaculate concepetion!! I bet we all love to believe the same thing about our parents!!
August 17, 2007 at 2:44 pm
August 17, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Amrita: Brilliant post. Very interesting perspective.
Immaculate conception huh? Too bad I missed the second coming ;-D
“After a while, I realized that people were looking at us. Then I realized that she had figured it out about 5 minutes before I did. And was feeling uneasy about it too, while I was all comfortably numb.”
At least you were holding hands. I was merely walking down a station in Bombay with a female friend. an attractive one. We were having something of a debate on the dynamics of male-female interaction. Suddenly, she told me to look around and observe all the men nearby. For the first time in my life I understood how uncomfortable the ‘gaze’ could be.
August 17, 2007 at 6:46 pm
you are excused – you have proved extenuating circumstances :-). but what excuse does dna have for the following gem?
‘”In ko ziyada mat sarahiyae nahi toh phir harne langen ge (Don’t hype India’s victory too much, otherwise they will again start losing),” Lalu said.’
what the heck is ‘langen’ in hindi? and amit varma is upset at cricket intimidation?
August 18, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Aparna – hey I’m the right age to pretend to test tube status at least 😀
Dipali: thanks 🙂
Aditya: Thank you 🙂 It was a lovely party and my mother has the scars to prove it.
SB – what are your thoughts on “hain”? Just recently I came across a filmy site reference to a song called : Mohabbat hain mirchi. I think it’s a classic case of adding insult to injury.
August 18, 2007 at 10:33 pm
‘hain’ is my pet peeve # 1!!! don’t even bring that into the mix here. 🙂
August 19, 2007 at 1:15 am
Ha ha, great post! But, teenage romance can be soo boring without all this adventure even to hold hands and watch a movie together. But hamare zamane mein bath kuch aur tha! 🙂
August 19, 2007 at 2:09 am
Did your teachers in school ever give the class a lecture about how girls and boys should interact with each other ? Ours did. When they are children, girls and boys are like brothers-sisters, so in KG – and till 4th or 5th standard – they can play together. But after that, even speaking to each other is WRONG.
August 20, 2007 at 2:08 pm
SB – omigod!!! Thanks… I thought I was the only nutcase running around terrorizing people about it 😀
Traveller – thanks 🙂 and you’re right… in hindsight it seems like a lot of fun but back then it was SO aggravating!
Zenobia – not in Delhi but in my hometown? yup, yup. And to make it worse, we had a bunch of girls and boys who sat around and just stared at each other and giggled all the time. made me think of monkeys fed on hooch.
the mad momma
August 23, 2007 at 3:34 pm
did you ever read Sunayana’s post on PDAs? lemme look for the link.
August 24, 2007 at 2:24 pm
I’ve been to her blog but don’t remember that one. Do you have the link coz my computer decided to do some updating and wiped my history out so i have to find people’s urls again 😦
August 31, 2007 at 9:48 am
I’m American (a white American, if you must know) and I absolutely despise PDA beyond perhaps hand-holding. It’s always been considered rude in the majority of America, and after 4 years in India I dislike it even more. It seems to be more rampant among Europeans than North Americans. It’s called intimacy for a reason, guys. Or as we say in the US, “get a room already!”
–do we want their tourist dollars (and pounds and euros and what have you) enough to handle their hugging and kissing in public? –
I’m a big fan of tourist education…there should be huge signs at the airports and bus stands, and along with the Embarkation form there should be something one is required to read. Even foreigners can learn. 😉
September 1, 2007 at 1:51 am
Well, I know where you’re coming from because I remember this very uncomfortable subway ride in NYC one night when two girls and a guy decided to have a menage a trois in the frickin’ subway car complete with stripper action and everything. There were two mexican men and me in the car and none of us were happy about it. But the kind of PDA i’m talking about is much, much less … er, traumatic 🙂
Although I agree – if you’re going to another country then try to understand the fact that things are going to be different. And it goes both ways.