So here I was over at WWTDD, reading all about Denise Richards’ love of Charlie Sheen’s goodlooking sperm even if she can’t stand his actual person, when I found out he was #2 on Maxim’s list of Living Sex Legends.
Now, due to some reason or other, I haven’t been able to spend as much time reading girlie magazines as I should so forgive me if you already knew about this and I seem terribly outdated. I also have one question for you – why didn’t you tell me?! It clearly behooves me to pursue a closer relationship with Maxim – because Living Sex Legends? Let’s face it, that’s a list everybody wants to see.
Unfortunately, the list proved to be a rather disappointing one, the primary qualification for entry being the number of notches earned by various belts. I guess that’s important and everything but I’d have liked to see a more rigorous set of rules. I mean, we’re talking legends here, after all.
Anyway, here’s what it says about Charlie Sheen, winner of the penultimate spot in 2006:
The son of Martin and brother of Emilio Estevez has an infamous lust for hookers. The irony is, of course, that Charlie’s also quite capable of getting ladies who’ll do the deed gratis. It’s how he managed to rack up 5,000 pairs of boots knocked—including those of porn star Ginger Lynn and stunning soon-to-be ex-wife Denise Richards. Denise and Charlie have split, allegedly because she failed to take his observation, “You’re definitely one of the hottest 1,000 or so women I’ve banged, baby,” as a compliment (that’s top 20 percent, missy).
5000 women? Dude, that’s not a sexual history, that’s a sold out concert! It hardly even matters that that number is made up of porn stars and hookers as well as his costars and colleagues – with those odds stacked against him, he probably has an extremely exhausted guardian angel devoted to his sexual health. I’m surprised Richards actually had children with him much less wanting more! Surprised? Hell, I’m shocked!
But who was the man who sped past Sheen to the coveted spot at Number One? Italian hotel porter Umberto Billo.
Yup, ol’ Charlie got beat out by the bell boy. The complete list is as follows:
10. BILL WYMAN (of the Rolling Stones. Big surprise)
9. EARVIN “MAGIC” JOHNSON (formerly of the NBA, currently of AIDS)
8. LEMMY KILMISTER (of Motorheads. That does surprise me)
7. JACK NICHOLSON (I thought he’d win! This list is biased!)
6. ILIE NASTASE (Tennis player. Nicknamed “Nasty”. Um.)
5. ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK (!!!!) (I mean…!!!!) (No, seriously…!!!)
4. JULIO IGLESIAS (I’m still stuck on the Humperdinck but okay)
3. GENE SIMMONS (See, this makes sense to me but Humperdinck?)
2. CHARLIE SHEEN (Oh, I get it! It’s Hump-‘er-di[n]ck… aaarrrgghhh!)
1. UMBERTO BILLO (Eurotrash with grand total of 8000 women)
Legend Emeritus (coz he’s dead) is some guy I’ve never heard of by the name of Wilt Chamberlain. He was apparently a 300lb LA Laker who notched up 20,000 nicks on his bedpost. I’m probably going to hear from outraged Chamberlain fans now.
Like he cares! I’m sure he’d care a lot more if one of those manwhores up above knocked him off his perch.
[Above amazing pic from here. You should be so lucky at 70. Heck, you should be so lucky. Period.]