Sakshi asks, “Would you date a serial lover?”
You might as well ask, “What do you find attractive in a person?” As the responses on her post indicate, the answer is highly subjective. And God only knows if we’d eventually stick to it.
I could make a laundry list of all the things I want in a partner, then bump into the very antithesis of my fictional Prince Charming at the local grocery store, fall in love and live happily ever after. Having said that, why not date a serial lover?
In my case, I think if “serial lover” means the person has a history of long, unsuccessful relationships, then I’d ask a few questions.
Is he commitment phobic? [That’s different from someone who has commitment issues… like, um, me for example.] Why did all his girlfriends eventually leave him? If he left them, then is he just hard to please or is there a deeper issue at work there? How old is he? What’s he like with his friends and how does that compare to how he treats his girlfriend? There’re a lot of questions to ask.
However, if by serial lover you mean someone who’s been on a lot of dates with a lot of women (or vice versa), I don’t see the harm in it. Most people want to be in love and if you’re circumstances are conducive to dating, it gets you one step closer to finding your partner.
Besides, dating is fun and not necessarily a sign of promiscuity. Who doesn’t enjoy the trappings of a date? You get dressed up, you exchange compliments – you feel wanted. Everybody wants that.
I don’t really care if a number of those dates ended up in the bedroom either. Yes, I’d have health concerns because I’m not stupid and I had an excellent education which included sex-ed, but morally speaking? The past is prologue and what you do in in the privacy of your bedroom is your own concern. [If the person likes to talk incessantly about his/her exploits in the bedroom, however, all bets are off. Coz… ew.]
It would be nice to say emphatically that look, here’s my list and if you cross that one line then it’s all over. But it doesn’t always work that way. The older you get, or rather, the older I get, black and white tends to seep into gray.
When I was sixteen, for example, I had some strict rules about romance. My best friends and I decided we’d never say the words “I love you” to anyone but our One True Love. Ha! Three guesses as to how well that worked out.
When I was eighteen, I thought I knew everything there was to know about the world. I knew right from wrong and how to keep to the straight and narrow. I wasn’t about to put a step wrong, thank you very much.
By the time I turned twenty one, I couldn’t believe what a smug little dumbass I used to be.
If you do it right, life has a way of picking you up and shaking the hell out of you. It beats the crap out of you before coming back and stomping on your face just for the fun of it. I haven’t even lived a life that’s all that hard but I’m not so unintelligent that I can’t recognize a pattern when it repeats over and over again.
The trick is to learn to roll with the punches and keep looking forward because the moment you stop to drown yourself in self-pity or pat yourself on the back, you’re done.
And eventually, you have to go with your gut instinct. Any relationship, romantic or platonic, is based on trust – so the question here is not so much whether you can date a serial lover but can you trust someone in spite of (arguably) the worst you know about them?
The worst I could find out about a person is that they were just about as perfect as it could get. Show me a person who’s never put a foot wrong, who’s never done anything they’ve had to be ashamed of – and I’m not sure I’d trust them.
I’d be too busy waiting for them to fuck up.
The fuck ups of this world, the saner ones at least, are easy. They’ve done their time and come out the other side already. Hopefully, they’ve learned a couple of things but in case they haven’t, you know what to look out for.
For example, if I went mad tomorrow and decided to hook up with a junkie who refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, then I’d do that with my eyes wide open. Same thing goes for someone who’s in recovery of some sort – I understand the demons are only being kept at bay, they haven’t miraculously vanished.
What am I supposed to do with a perfect person though? What do I look out for? Do I just regard every single action of his with suspicion or do I take him at his word and trust that everything will be okay?
So it’s about judgment – your judgment. And that’s all you’ve got to base your entire life on. Scary thought, isn’t it?
And coincidentally, that’s what the Mad Momma tagged me on: What am I judgmental about?
Soooooooo many things. 😳
I’m what I like to call a fluid snob. I can’t be bothered to be snobbish about something two days in a row or about the same thing in two different people so the items on my list keep fluctuating.
Most days it can be something pretty basic, like manners. Some days I go a little crazy and get all judgmental about things that are really none of my business like how much a person laughs. It’s true.
Just two days ago, I remember looking at this one chick and getting annoyed because she laughed so much. Unless you know me in real life, you don’t know how cheeky such an observation is, coming from me, the all time greatest grinning fool. Anyway, so here’s a short list of things I was all up in arms about over the last seven days or so:
1. Manners – some people just don’t have any and that’s fine. It’s not their fault they were brought up in a cave somewhere by wolves. But then they like to give themselves airs over it and that’s just too much.
This one cretin was holding forth the other day about how the (Indian) blogosphere is so kiss ass, by which, he went on explain, he meant everybody gave out compliments and other airy fairy things he didn’t approve of.
I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised because he and his cohorts never show up except to call names and abuse people without any regard whatsoever to the subject matter of the post, but seriously? He thinks it’s a crime to be nice to each other?
We teach our pets to behave well with other animals, for heaven’s sake – isn’t it time more of us learned how to do what Fido and Fifi do so well?
2. Google Laziness – If you can afford to spend the time and effort required to leave a comment on a website, then you can afford to spend a couple of minutes on Google, checking up on facts. Your facts especially. It’s nice that you have an opinion based on your gut instinct but I’m really not interested in your indigestion.
And I’m not your nanny either. And if I was your nanny, I’d find a baby far better looking than you to spoon feed. So there!
3. Laughter – You don’t have to laugh at every joke, especially when it’s your own.
4. Extremists – One of the apocryphal quotes attributed to Karl Marx is: “I’m not a Marxist.” It might not be true but it’s a great sentiment. If you’ve drunk the Kool Aid to such an extent that it’s now messing with your ability to think outside the box then I don’t have a very high opinion of you.
Aaman had an excellent post up about it. He says it a lot better too.
5. Hysteria – Calm the fuck down! The world isn’t coming to an end just because you got a hang nail or whatever your latest crisis is. Take a deep breath and learn to exhale.
6. Loud voices – I don’t require you to act like you’re in a cathedral or a museum 24×7 but do you have to talk at the top of your voice?
By the way, is this an Indian thing? Nine out of ten Indians I know talk at the top of their lungs.
It’s especially interesting because I’ve noticed everybody’s very calm when speaking English, but bring in the mother tongue (whatever it might be) and BOOM! Everybody’s yelling in tandem. I do it too.
7. Judgmental People – Must you be so judgmental? After all, we’re all only human. 😛
[Ok, so that Saks-MM correlation was a stretch but I think I made it across. Now quit your whining before I tag you!]