So Paris Hilton’s going to jail.
Well, she always was a trendsetter. Given that trashy crowd she runs around with (Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie and assorted wanna-bes I can’t be bothered to remember right now) is anyway in the news half the time for getting wasted in several ways, I bet Paris is about to get some company real soon.
What’s really eerie about this whole business is how it’s barely news. I mean, Alec Baldwin yelled at his kid and the world exploded. Paris Hilton got sent to jail and for all the reaction you can find, everybody was more or less expecting it. It’s like she’s some kind of mass experiment – back when she began, everybody was waiting to see how far she could climb without actually, you know, doing anything; and now everybody is waiting to see how far she can fall without half trying.
Back in the 1980s, Madonna reportedly asked one of the Arquettes, “Wouldn’t you give anything to be me for just a minute?” I look at Paris and I bet that’s where she thought she was headed when she set out to become famous. And for one brief moment in time, I suppose she succeeded.
The Simple Life was a big hit, primarily because it lived down to everybody’s expectations and portrayed her and on-again/off-again best pal Ritchie in the worst light possible. She had a brainless catchphrase that she wanted to get copyrighted (“It’s hot!”) and she was setting all kinds of disgusting fashion like carting around tiny little dogs in expensive handbags. Most of what made her famous was pretty incredible – incredibly stupid – but there was very obviously a niche out there that she could fill.
I look at those years as the lost years. Had it been me I would have had such fun! Fuck getting drunk and screwing shipping heirs – I would’ve tried to see just how far people would go to copy me. What if I got myself a pet monkey? Would other people do it? A tiny little bushbaby. PETA would have gone up in flames! The Olsens have proved that trying to be extra fug doesn’t win you converts but that’s because they took it too far. Look at those hideous little Ugg boots – they were a rash on the bum of humanity for a while and they accomplished that by concentrating on one body part. Yes, I would have had so much fun.
One Night in Paris changed all that. Before she just dressed like a skank; now she actually was one. Paris somehow went on and continued on her way. She was a living testament to the maxim that all publicity is good publicity. But the auctioned contents of her locker revealed a young woman dealing with low self-esteem, medical problems, personal tragedies carefully hidden from public view (no mean feat given the media glare around her), and cheap sex.
I’ve never been a Paris Hilton fan but I’m not an innately vicious person, alright? I kind of felt bad for her. Where were the parents, the friends, the teachers from school who nagged her into lengthening her skirt? Her sister doesn’t half as fucked up – didn’t she ever sit Paris down and tell her to stop? If that was my sister walking around with her vajayjay on full view, I’d have kidnapped her and locked her up until she saw things my way. What’s a little illegal detention between loving siblings? And it’s not like I would use chains or anything. A dungeon would do nicely.
I digress. The point is, sooner or later Paris was headed this way. Rehab, prison, hospital, court – these are places where I could always picture Paris. And now that she’s been in three of them (and may well go there again) she’ll go to rehab sooner or later. Natural progression. I just hope somewhere in this circuit she learns enough to keep out of the morgue.
From the evidence on hand, that doesn’t sound very likely because the blame game is on in full force: she apparently blamed her PR person for the, um, mix-up? Yeah, mix-up that’s sent her to jail. Apparently the guy told her she could drive because… she doesn’t read what she signs? Is she kidding? She is an heiress, right? Because the first thing anybody, especially in a business family, learns is to always, always, fucking always read what you sign. Personally, I would have asked my lawyer about things pertaining to the law but that’s just me.
On the other hand, he was probably too busy wasting his time hassling people like Michael K at Dlisted for running the cartoon below to pay attention to things like probation. Visit the talented peeps at Gallery of the Absurd for the full picture.