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Rakhi Sawant for Prime Minister

Although the time on her clock reads well into the 16th minute, Rakhi Sawant is still going places – like the unfamiliar pages of Filmfare. The interview, a rare one from a magazine devoted to its upscale Not-Your-Mummyji‘s-Gossip-Rag brand, starts off with Rakhi flipping out at the sight of the Louis Vuitton outfit and Ferragamo shoes the team has arranged for her photoshoot.

Not in the way they were expecting though:

“Which godown have you picked up these chindis (rags) from? There is no red, green, blue, purple, no glitter. My fans will think I’ve become a bhikhari (beggar) if I were to wear such clothes.”

I think I’m supposed to laugh at her, but honestly, I’m laughing at the magazine because they just got served. Whatever her faults, Rakhi clearly isn’t a brand-fucker. Eventually they seem to have got her into an oversized Diesel tee, and a Just Cavalli top paired with shorts from Mango. Couldn’t make her let go of her pancake though. One look and I already know this is going to be the best interview Filmfare has landed in ages.

Sure enough, she talks a little about hosting her version of Judge Judy, which seems to be more Jerry Springer going by the promos, and then launches into talk of how she’s let Jesus take the wheel:

Being an item girl doesn’t mean I dance around all the time clad in a ghagra-choli. I am a good human being, a God-fearing girl. Before taking up any work, I take permission from Jesus. If it requires me to expose, I refuse it. Like I refused “Meethi Chhoori” and Ram Gopal Varma’s “Phoonk 2″ because I didn’t want to expose or be part of a horror film.

God hates slags! Just in case you didn’t know. Various other meditations follow: she’s come to realize she’s a heavenly alien “here on a transit visa” after she read the Bible. Other things the Bible taught her -

  • don’t be a bitch
  • pay taxes to God (10% flat rate)
  • it’s better to be God’s kid than a star kid. Who’re all miserable failures anyway (especially that loser Hrithik Roshan who needs his daddy to make him movies)
  • be nice to your mom and she will ask for less money
  • don’t have “dirty sex” with drugs and booze when all you need is Viagra – “alcohol is Satan’s mouthwash”
  • the Devil is behind all the hate that comes her way
  • she’s now a national icon on the level of Amitabh Bachchan
  • Shahrukh Khan’s decidedly un-Christian antics at awards shows is proof that the world is biased towards educated elites.

Well, really. Who could argue with any of that? My head throbs just thinking of it.

Q. What about your love life now?
A. I am madly in love. I am married. Jesus is my husband.

Just call her Fraulein Maria. Jesus is her Captain but if some nice, clean-living teetotaler with perhaps no money but definitely much piety were to cross her path, she’d marry him. Not that she really needs him because, let’s face it, Jesus is a tough act to follow.

In fact, she’s writing a show about the life of Jesus Christ – she’s got about 50 episodes written already – but not a single channel will put it on because they’re all temples of sin, devoted to carnality and destined for Hell. And furthermore, if Ekta Kapoor wants the honor of working with her on this project, which might save souls unlike her usual sinful stuff, she can just approach Rakhi herself!

After all, is God visiting Ekta in her dreams to advice her about the sins of plastic surgery? Nope! That would be Rakhi Sawant, thank you very much. Who is now much more famous than this Mallika Sherawat person (lurking sadly in the pages of this very issue, saying outdated things like: “Obama is a stud!” Yawn.) who is only known for taking her clothes off.

Q. Where do you see yourself after five years?
A. I see myself in Lok Sabha as a clean politician. Without wearing khadi, I’m doing a lot of social work. But you also need power to make a difference. However, everyone wants me nanga (nude) on screen. But I won’t wear a bikini or short dresses. I’m not dying to do films, I’m doing reality shows.

Well, of course! Why didn’t any of us see this coming? Get ready for Prime Minister Rakhi Sawant in 2020. She’ll be the one in a spaghetti strap handloom saree at the United Nations General Assembly, mediating a Middle East intervention where the Israelis and the Palestinians get to bitchslap their differences out on live camera. Eventually, she’ll step in and make peace based on the hard-won experiences of her tragic life, after which they will all dance together to the tune of a Bollywood item number.

Oh, you scoff now but you’ll remember this post one day.

In other news, if you hear blood has started pouring out of the eyes of a Virgin Mary near you, please don’t be alarmed. Just hand her a hanky. It’s not every day a woman gets Rakhi Sawant for a daughter-in-law.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on November 2, 2010 in Celebrity, Entertainment, Newsmakers, Video

 

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Booby Trap

So here’s that ad from 1999 that’s got all the sex-starved Bipasha Basu fans on Youtube slavering for more. My favoritest tabloid in forever says she shot it while undergoing an out-of-body experience as a naive, camera-unaware model in New York:

“I have a very short memory and cannot remember anything that happened more than three years ago. Honestly, I don’t remember anything specific about shooting the ad.”

There you go. Perfectly understandable. Was there even a world three years ago? Who knows!

Besides, have you seen the Indian sensibility infused movies she and her peers shoot in Bollywood these days? I fail to understand why this is even a big deal but my favoritest tabloid says this is shocking! Shocking! So it must be. (But she looks good, therefore Jai Hind! Jeetega bhai jeetega, Hindustan jeetega! … or something. I don’t know. Details.)

I wonder if anybody bothered to ask Vivek Oberoi if he remembers any of it. Especially that terrified expression on his face as he sees Bipasha coming towards his face. In his defense, the climax did get pretty ominous – no amount of boobies is worth getting escorted into a darkened tent with unsmiling people who all give you the side eye before their queen descends with purpose upon your face.

Hm. That did not come out the way I meant it.

Also, Earth to crazed Bipasha fans: it’ll take you considerably more than a dollar and a dream to get to that there lady. It just might be easier to win the lottery. Sorry.

 
11 Comments

Posted by on June 3, 2010 in Celebrity, Entertainment, Video

 

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2007 Called

Just to say it loves you and misses you too. Honestly, get this chick another dress.

As you can see, it can be done – that’s actually a pretty dress although her absolute lack of confidence in wearing something where the twins aren’t having their day in the sun should be a lesson to all aspiring sexpots to spend at least a little time in front of the mirror with their clothes on. The snake is clearly over it and its handler looks worried Mallika might bite it:

Maybe it’s because her stylist has the most blah dressing sense known to bombshell-dom when it comes to other designs:

Of course, you need to be careful or else you might end up with this:

Is this some kind of top-secret red carpet meme being carried out by sniggering make-up artists?

[More]

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 21, 2010 in Celebrity, Entertainment, Newsmakers

 

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