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TMI Nation

27 Sep

Dear People-Who-Will-Never-Read-This,

here is a helpful list of things to avoid discussing with me when next you run into me at a supermarket checkout/ bar/ restroom/ wedding/ public transport/ other public venues. Since you don’t know who I am and will never see me again, try not to bring up the following topics with anybody at all… just to be on the safe side.

Please do not tell me about -

  • the consistency of your diarrhea
  • the consistency of your kid’s diarrhea
  • the exact details, including taste and color, of your vomit
  • the boil on your bum and your deranged fantasies of what will happen if it bursts
  • the blood you discovered on your used toilet paper after examining it closely
  • your exciting holiday
  • your opinion of my clothes
  • your analysis of my hair, weight, complexion and height, and how they will fare in the marriage market
  • your thoughts on kids today
  • your terrible mother-in-law (who is standing right next to me)
  • your super cute love story
  • your hope and aspirations and why none of them have ever come true
  • how Jesus can save me from my heathen ways
  • how God will punish me for not going to the temple enough
  • what your neighbor said to you
  • what you said to your neighbor
  • what your son’s boss said about him
  • what your son said about his boss
  • what is wrong with Muslims
  • what is wrong with Christians
  • what is wrong with white people
  • what is wrong with black people
  • what is wrong with people who are not you, and perhaps, me
  • Commonwealth Games (this goes for people who know me too. I just… can’t anymore.)

Thanks!

I swear some days I feel like I’m turning into a crotchety old lady. The kind that mumbles to herself and she threateningly waves her cane at passerby. One step from homeless and warning of Armageddon on my soapbox, that’s me. You know why does that? And you know who drives me there most days? The loyal citizenry of the global TMI nation who have slowly colonized the world.

 
11 Comments

Posted by on September 27, 2010 in Life, Personal

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

11 responses to “TMI Nation

  1. piyush

    September 27, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    - what is wrong with white people ??

    This one is a classic in my family.

    Also you ever notice that when indian families bump into other relatives/family friends etc at a supermarket, they would stand right in the middle of an aisle or store exit and enter into a long discussion about whats on sale at Store A and how its $1 less store B but there is a limit of C quantities and that you can bypass that system if you take Kid D, E and F and buy 3x of that product.

    And before you know it, you have a years worth supply of toilet paper stored away in your basement.

     
  2. A&N

    September 27, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    You listen to some really gross things, don’t you? And all you did was write a post? Wow!

     
  3. memsaab

    September 27, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    All I can say is that I hear you, and I hope I am not part of the problem!
    :D

     
  4. pitu

    September 28, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Ohh excellent list my dear. Seeing as how you have not mentioned this, I feel I can (over)share. Did I tell you what happened when my contact lens got stuck and I went to the ER and the doctor brought a SUCTION CUP MACHINE which is attached to one’s eyeball by means of… you know… the suction and then the machine removes your poor stuck lens and it’s really cold and weird and creepy and you ARE NOT ALLOWED TO blink and the doctor glares at you coz it’s 3am and he wants to GO HOME and then afterwards you can’t blink even if you wanted to and your eye is red and you wonder if you’ll go blind and you google Christian Dior eye patches… and… wait where are you running???

     
    • memsaab

      September 29, 2010 at 10:15 am

      How can you NOT BLINK? Did he sew your eyelids open or something?

       
      • pitu

        September 29, 2010 at 2:42 pm

        No but he glared at me and said in this really GRUFF tone “Don’t blink! Don’t shut your eyes! Don’t move back! Don’t squirm.” It was all very traumatic and I had a $400 bill at the end of it all :(

         
      • pitu

        September 29, 2010 at 2:44 pm

        BTW I am now crying and wiping my snot on memsaab’s sari pallu. Thought you’d like to know :)

         
        • memsaab

          September 30, 2010 at 8:59 am

          It’s okay, it can be washed :)

           
  5. bollyviewer

    September 29, 2010 at 12:14 am

    What?! You don’t want to hear about my diarrhea and all my other plumbing problems? Why would you be so unfriendly? ;D

     
  6. Amrita

    September 29, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Oh jeebus, you lamebrains! I meant this for rank strangers who stop me in the middle of the street and tell me random things for no reason. Of course I didn’t mean you lot! I tell you all about my snot and whatnot, so feel free to do the same.

    Piyush – lol!

    Pitu – shit like that is why I can’t make myself get a lasik done. BLERGH!

     
  7. Sumedha

    September 30, 2010 at 3:08 am

    WOW people can talk a lot no? I have not heard all the things you listed (THANK GOD!) but the analysis of every aspect of my appearance is very common. I don’t understand why people 1)don’t mind their own fucking business and 2)why they even imagine that I might be interested in their lives OR their opinions about my life (or other things).

    Thank you for this post. It says a lot of things that should always be said!

     
 
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