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Lost MacLean: Death Train

02 Aug

Well, what do you know? Turns out Detonator: Death Train was indeed a prequel of sorts to Detonator II: Night Watch. Apparently, Pierce Brosnan was intimately involved in an Alistair MacLean made-for-TV movie cult back in the 90s.

“The mission is impossible. The consequences deadly,” warns the tagline. How truly it speaks! The mission to make a decent movie out of the enjoyable novels of one of the world’s most popular writers’ bestselling work is impossible in the hands of this crew. Even though it stars Pierce Brosnan, Patrick Stewart, Christopher Lee and Ted Levine! And its consequences will indeed be deadly as seen by the movie Night Watch.

But! But! But first come these fascinating 90 minutes or so of a great cast:

In A Top Secret Location (Evil)

Fu Manchu: Where’s my bomb?

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: What is this Russian shit? The plutonium exploded all over me and now I’m going to turn into rotting meat.

Fu Manchu: Don’t make me vahnt to drink your blood. Where’s my bomb?

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: Bomb. Bomb-bomb-bomb. Bombitty-bomb. Bom-BOM-bom. Bomb. Tr la la la la. *smirk*

Fu Manchu: Er.

In A Top Secret Location (Good)

Jean Luc Picard: I need more power to beat evil.

Baywatch Babe: Me! Take me! I have powers! Look at my legs! My very long legs. In a short skirt. And my excessive luggage! It’s what every top secret agent bent on rescuing the world needs!

James Bond: You’re totally banging that babe, aren’t ya?

Jean Luc Picard: You should say – you’re totally banging that babe, aren’t ya, sir? Savvy?

James Bond: Fine. I’d rather be racing bikes anyway.

Baywatch Babe: Sexist Pig!

Non-English Speaking European Military Personnel: Ha ha ha! She called him an oink! We’re totally on her side because we’re all feminists!

James Bond: Oooh, I’ve been totally schooled. I guess I’ll take her seriously now that she flounced off and made a room full of armymen chuckle.

On The Death Train

Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, hello? If anybody’s interested, I have a train with a nuclear bomb on board.

Jean Luc Picard: Oh! I see! It’s a devious plan.With Russians and bombs on trains and stuff.

Fu Manchu: May I speak to a member of the press please? I would like to explain my top secret devious plan with Russians and bombs on trains and stuff in great detail. Thanks!

James Bond: Let’s go beat this guy!

Captain Stottlemeyer: You’ll never beat me! Wait. You will? Oh.

In A Hospital Room

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: I was bored and building a nuclear bomb was something I always wanted to do.

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: Here’s what I did.

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

That Guy, Now Playing Scientist: Goodbye. I die now. In good German hospital where everything fucking works the way it’s meant to and doesn’t blow up in your face like the fucking Russian shit.

Secret Agent: Holy crap! Your face!

In An Airplane Hangar

Fu Manchu: Ha! Ha! I’m an arch villain. I speak Russian and everything! You can beat my minions but you can’t beat me that easy. I got seconds!

Russian Army Man: Let me shake your hand now that you’ve committed our nation to war entirely on your own.

Jean Luc Picard: Will someone tell me what’s going on?

Baywatch Babe: My vagina says let’s just follow the Fu Manchu guy and see what he does.

James Bond: This is a stupid plan. Not because I’ve thought about it, but because someone with a vagina said it. So it better work.

Baywatch Babe: Oh no! I have no bullets and a minion is shooting at me!

James Bond: Let me save you by shooting him dead.

Baywatch Babe: Oh, thank God, you big strong hero man! Now I’ve totally forgiven you for constantly undermining, disrespecting, objectifying, bullying, and shutting me out.

Fu Manchu: Oh no! They shoot me dead. But before I die, I will set the second bomb to go off. Heh heh. *grk*

James Bond: I will save us all by cutting through all the wires one after another.

Voice of That Guy, Who Was Playing Scientist: April Fool!

Jean Luc Picard: The fuck is going on there? Someone say something. I’m the Grand Poobah of this shindig, I’d like you to know!

James Bond: Fuck this shit.

Baywatch Babe: I’d love to but the only place I’m headed is the beach so I’ll just hang out here if it’s all the same to you.

THE END.

[for LEB who expressed an interest :mrgreen:]

 
7 Comments

Posted by on August 2, 2010 in Entertainment, Movies, Review

 

Tags: , , , ,

7 responses to “Lost MacLean: Death Train

  1. le embrouille blogueur (LEB)

    August 2, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Whoo hooo … what a rush !! Who Am I Sabse Bada Khiladi Thank you Amrita !! You just made my week. Is Raat Ki Subah Nahi Tum Nahi Samjhoge Kuch Kuch Hote Hai !! Enough with the uncouth comment …as usual.I have now reached new heights in guessing work. I am ready to go on Jeopardy !! :lol: @ Fu Manchu .. my new HERO !!

     
  2. bollyviewer

    August 3, 2010 at 12:46 am

    There is more Brosnan+Maclean goodness in store for the unwary? How did you find this? And most importantly, how do I get my hands on this? Mere sawalon ka jawaab do, do na:D

     
  3. memsaab

    August 4, 2010 at 10:50 am

    You really need to make your own movie, I would totally buy it and watch it over and over and over again.

     
  4. Amrita

    August 4, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    LEB – :mrgreen: The moment I saw it, I knew I had to write about it.

    BV – you steal it, of course!

    Memsaab – hee! I just finished my first comic so there’s step in the right direction!

     
  5. Bay Watcher

    August 6, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    So sorry to thread off about car(s) come alive when you’re talking Death Train, but I can’t wait no more for Transformers III to hit the screens (hurry up, Michael)!

    About your Train movie here (and other “bomb” ones from last week)… omg! I found Alistair Maclean novels lying all over the house, growing up, but haven’t read even one! My dad (who was the professional reader/moviegoer in the house) urged me in vain to give them (along with Fleming’s Bond books) a try, and looks like the loss is all mine, for not listening! (What to do? I was way busy reading comics and other light fare like Sidney Sheldon and Jeffrey Archer, whenever I was not busy drinking from the Harold Robbins firehose — I swear! Pirate is like the single best novel I’ve EVER read… that book was in tatters by the time I was done re-reading it, multiple multiple times. Ah, Baydr Al Fay… so unforgettable.)

    BTW, ROFL from “How truly it speaks!” onwards. You just crack us up, girl! By the time I was done, the many “Baywatch Babe” references here took me straight to the closing scene from my all-time favorite movie Dumb and Dumber. :-P

     
    • Amrita

      August 6, 2010 at 4:42 pm

      OMG, you’re like the only other I’ve ever met who’d admit to reading that book! Right up there in trashy heaven! :D

      MacLean is altogether more respectable than that… but maybe not that much fun. He can be a little staid. Try the Way to Dusty Death. It comes closest to Robbins-y “goodness”.

       
 
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