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Lost MacLean: Night Watch

28 Jul

JOKES!

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Pierce Brosnan loudly simulate sex in a horrendous pair of white boxer briefs while his offended colleague rides him bronco style.

Welcome to Night Watch! Or Detonator II: Night Watch. Your glimpse of what might have been Brosnan’s career if he hadn’t finally landed the British super spy gig and become The Billion Dollar Bond. It is properly horrifying.

I was really excited to watch this movie for some reason. I love Brosnan and I love Alistair MacLean – how bad could it get when they got together? And to be honest, even though Night Watch has a distinctly made-for-TV feel to it, it’s only as bad as your average Lifetime movie, which is to say it’s watchable.

But from the first moment, as a fiercely mustachioed Brosnan runs towards the camera in tight fitting pants that keep getting tighter and skinnier as the movie progresses and long-ish hair that always manages to look greasy, something is very off. Let’s face it: despite his stellar work in movies like Evelyn, The Matador or The Ghost Writer, Brosnan’s USP is his looks and his ability to wear the shit out of a tuxedo. Both of which are wanting here. In fact, by the time the movie ended I was having fond memories of his dye job from The Noble House. I don’t know who Brosnan pissed off, especially in the costume department. Or did people really dress that way in the early 90s? Thank God I was just a kid.

Anyway, the plot takes us to Amsterdam where Rembrandt’s “Night Watch” has been stolen and a forgery put in its place. Mike Graham (Brosnan) is some kind of special ops agent on the brink of burnout after losing his partner during an extraction. Sabrina Carver (Alexandra Paul) is waiting for Baywatch to make her famous as the honorary non-bimbo brunette. They have, ahem, a history. Ooooooooh.

But what is supposed to be a low-stress case of art theft investigation, a little R&R for poor psychologically fragile Mike, suddenly turns violent and confusing with the introduction of a Hong Kong-based mastermind, busy inventing the means of world domination. World domination and art theft, I guess. There are also some ominous North Koreans thrown in for good measure because, you know, North Korea – boo! are you scared yet?

If you get your rocks off watching Brosnan dressed up as a cross between an American Civil War veteran and a stereotypical errand boy for the Italian mob (and let me tell you, it takes considerable talent to take the refined Mr. Remington Steele to that pass) or you like the kind of movie where the hero slides down a steep wall, dragging his fingernails all the while, only to show up with perfectly manicured nails at the end – find a copy of this movie stat!

Meanwhile, I will pray that I never have to watch Detonator I. Or will I? :mrgreen:

 
6 Comments

Posted by on July 28, 2010 in Celebrity, Entertainment, Movies, Review

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

6 responses to “Lost MacLean: Night Watch

  1. le embrouille blogueur

    July 28, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Wait there is a part I to this ? It is hard to imagine Mr.Brosnan in not so classy roles, and definitely not in jeans that are getting tighter by the minute. Thanks for the warning. I will pass. :)

     
  2. bollyviewer

    July 28, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Heavens! I am not a fan of his Bond films, but even that is better than this. (Naturally, that does not mean I am going to pass up on Brosnan+MacLean!) Poor Brosnan – WHY did he never get anything good but Remington Steele?!!

     
  3. Ramsu

    July 28, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Oh, I gotta watch this sometime. You had me at the opening line. Am eagerly awaiting your reviews of the other lost McLeans.

    By the way, would Charas (the Dharam-Hema starrer from the seventies) count as one, seeing as how it is an adaptation of Puppet on a Chain?

    Ever since your review of Golden Rendezvous, I’ve been trying to imagine who I would cast in a cheesy Bollywood remake of The Guns of Navarone. I’m thinking Dev Anand in the Gregory Peck role and Mithun (in Ootylicious-B-movie mode) in the Anthony Quinn role.

    You could even reprise the same cast for a Where Eagles Dare remake with similar effects. I’m sure Dev uttering the line, “Indian machine gun bullet holes, but what the hell, holes are holes” would sound pretty damn fantastic.

    ~ramsu

     
  4. Gradwolf

    July 28, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    Gahaha he’s been that bad? One thing though, he always made a super Bond, only that the movies failed him. Except Goldeneye.

    Will be watching The Ghost Writer finally this weekend. You didn’t do a review?

     
  5. Amrita

    July 29, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    LEB – i don’t think Detonator I was the prequel to this if it makes any difference :D

    BV – he made a TON of bad TV movies before he struck it big, poor thing. The story goes he was all set to be Bond before Timothy Dalton landed it but the producers on Steele refused to release him from their contract only to cancel later once Dalton got the role. And thus he did all these weird movies.

    Ramsu – HAHAHAHAH! I would kill for an adaptation like that.
    And ooh, I didnt know that about Charas but I see it now. I wonder if I can find a copy somewhere to watch.

    Adithya – no, I didnt do a review. There’s always so much chatter about English language movies that it’s seldom that I feel like I have anything to add. But I enjoyed it.

     
 
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