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I Hate Luv Storys: A Listicle

04 Jul
<i>I Hate Luv Storys</i>: A Listicle

Punit Malhotra’s directorial debut, the Karan Johar-produced I Hate Luv Storys is an inoffensive little romcom about the inevitability of the love bug. As my attention was unfortunately caught by quite another bug in the theater (see: previous post), I thought I wouldn’t review it.  I didn’t have much to say anyway:

Jai (Imran Khan) is too cool for his name and the romantic Bollywood fare he helps produce, so he calls himself Jay and displays horrible work ethics. Apparently, the job for which he ran away from home isn’t worth putting in his 100% unless it also satisfies his intellectual snob quotient. Expect producers to beat his door down with offers in 3…2…1…

Simran (Sonam Kapoor) is that annoying girly girl whose bedroom is dedicated to her neighborhood Archies Gallery and she’s super into romantic Bollywood fare, which is convenient because she’s the art director for a collection of cliches movie called Pyar Pyar Pyar. (This is supposed to be a satire and it is – the laziest one in the history of them, basically a string of outrageously romantic scenes from various movies cobbled together verbatim so we can laugh on cue i.e. when Jay rolls his eyes.) She’s also Jay’s boss and his instant crush.

If you don’t know where this movie is going by now, you should get your noodle checked coz it’s turned into soup. It’s a frothy little number that rests on the chemistry between the lead pair who’re perfectly charming together even if their tendency is to fizzle rather than sizzle.

Whatever. It’s… pleasant? I dunno. I have a cold. Don’t bother me.

SPOILERS (?) FOLLOW

But here’re a few notes I made about people and their motivations that might be of use to you, young lovers, as you go about your modern dating ways.  It’s too late for Jay and Simran but it might still save you from years of passive aggressive dating. It is presented in the form of The Holy Listicle, the only way to understand anything in these modern times.

1. When someone is nice to you, it does not automatically follow that they are in love with you. It could be that they’re just being nice. But how can you tell? Some helpful clues:

  • He tells you he doesn’t believe in love
  • He makes horrified faces when you ask him if he’s changed his mind about that little detail
  • He is dating other women
  • He gives you romantic advice
  • You are his boss
  • You have previously shot him down when he tried to flirt and then fucked him over in front of his employer so he got the message loud and clear
  • You already have a fiance and he knows that

2. Your boyfriend is not a mind reader. If you want something different or he’s doing something wrong – Tell. Him. Yes, you too can use language for something besides gossip and tall tales. I believe you have the power!

3. Do not date co-workers. It is a path to misery.

4. If you want “magic”, I hear David Copperfield is single.

5. Judge a man by the way he treats his mom. A fucking man-child who won’t pick up the phone when his perfectly nice mother calls to check whether he’s alive is not pinging my radar as a good candidate for a successful relationship.

6. Judge a woman by her previous actions. Did she proposition you while keeping Ol’ Second Fiddle on standby? Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater! ABORT MISSION.

7. Step One of settling down with a man stupid enough to have one night stands in this day and age: ask for a medical check up. Romantic? No. Smart? Hell, yeah!

8. The correct response to a girl who tells you that she’s been pretending all along to be the person you like is not to then promise her that you’re sure you’ll love the real her. Because the real her is crazy and the reason she’s been pretending in the first place is because she knows you won’t like the real her. Put on your track shoes, brother, because the time has come to run for your life.

9. Take a happy ending where you get it. Simran didn’t and look what happened: we had to sit through another hour of pointless plotting.

 
17 Comments

Posted by on July 4, 2010 in Entertainment, Movies, Review, Video

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

17 responses to “I Hate Luv Storys: A Listicle

  1. Rohini

    July 4, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Very funny :D

    Especially number 4 :)

     
  2. Temple

    July 5, 2010 at 6:12 am

    I have been debating dragging myself across town to see this (as it is showing at limited session times only) and you may have just settled that one for me!

     
  3. Dewdrop

    July 5, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Bang on, I just watched the movie yesterday and I agree to all your points. Really enjoyed reading your review :)

     
    • dipali

      July 5, 2010 at 1:02 pm

      Ditto Dewdrop. I enjoyed it despite the nonsense.

       
  4. sachita

    July 5, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    #3 acc. to an ex-colleague isnt valid, coz where else will you meet sane people( i am assuming he just meant people considering it was a university town).

    if it is as good as a romcom as even 27 dresses i will take it – meaning some heart felt moments most def. dont expect the the climax to be one but just few here and there but felt that wasnt the case from promo.

     
  5. M

    July 5, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Whew! The cold didn’t affect the snark :) That said, am very glad the promos put me off this movie so thoroughly! :)

    M (thorough grinch when it comes to “mod-ren” ways!)

     
  6. ad libber

    July 6, 2010 at 6:37 am

    I merely had one question. What in the world was the actual plot of Pyar Pyar Pyar? It could hardly be one movie with so many plot points going on.

    It is also curious that the intellectual film snob seemed to spend most of his time watching swimsuit models. Should not he at least watch something intellectual to balance the rom-com quota he gets during the day?

     
  7. Amrita

    July 6, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    @ Rohini – you don’t even know how much I hate it when somebody mentions “magic” with their relationship. :D ARGH!

    @ Temple – I wouldn’t go the extra trouble but I’d pop in the DVD, sure. :)

    @ 3D & Dipali – It wasn’t rage-making or anything. “Inoffensive” like I said. I actually feel bad for poor Jay. He’s in for a world of hurt and confusion from that chick. :D

    @ Sachita – and this, my love, is why university towns are the gateway to hell! As far as romance is concerned anyway.
    And oooh, ouch, 27 Dresses. This one clears that low bar, no problem.

    @ M – not at all! The cold might have exacerbated the snark!

    @ Ad Libber – I think the plot was that there was no plot other than two people who went around pledging their love to each other in as filmi a way as possible. Also HAHAHAHA @ the swimsuit model thing. I thought it was weird how he had FTV or whatever (hi fi posters!) but yes, so much for his snob quotient.

     
  8. ramesh

    July 7, 2010 at 10:56 am

    dekho bhai, analysing rom-coms is an oxy-moron .. but i really did not think all this when i saw the film .. sigh.. i wonder if am a fool

     
  9. Reema

    July 7, 2010 at 11:33 am

    lol :) good pointers!! would love to read your pointers again after you watch Eclipse :D

     
  10. Amrita

    July 7, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    @ Ramesh – analyzing these type of my posts is also a waste of time :D

    @ Reema – OH. My. GOD. I finally saw it and I don’t know what to do with it!

     
  11. le embrouille blogueur

    July 7, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    I think I love your reviews so much that I never end up watching most of the movies that are reviewed.Also I almost never have the time. Am going backwards from the latest posts today and this is another awesome list. Nice touch on the “magic”.

     
  12. Liz Tickles!

    July 7, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Going by the bumper-sticker logic inherent in “Love means nothing to a tennis player’s wife,” I feel the urge to instantly heart this movie merely from looking at its title. But if I decide to go that route despite reading you so clearly outline where it’s headed, I guess I should get my noodle checked coz it’s turned into soup. Right? :-D

    Not that I’m in any great hurry to overwrite my fond memories of Imran as Jai in JTYJN, just yet. In fact, if I can help it, he’ll be forever ensconsed as a one-movie wonder inside the warm confines of my head. Let me see for how much longer I’m able to keep abominations such as Kidnap and Luck (and now IHLS) at bay.

    And you do know, don’t you, that precious precious snark like #3 above is why I rank you right up there with my weekend fix, mister Male Call of Merc fame? (My Sundays are mindbogglingly mundane minus him, oh yeah.)

    Btw, I get a faint whiff of this movie being the “beautified” (read bollywoodized) version of The Ugly Truth. Is it so?

    And your listicle, lady, reminds me of ‘Lizabeth Barrett Browning’s at once funny, foolhardy and feverishly poignant “mathematical” love poem, sonnet 43.

    @ramesh: “.. sigh.. i wonder if am a fool,” Oh thanks for that tangent to this gem of a song from the rom-com universe of Jab Jab “Fool” Khile. :-P (And I’m glad you liked my Khushboo anecdote over at the Madhubala photoshoot.)

     
  13. eclat

    July 10, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Somehow I feel as if these two Sonam Kapoor films (IHLS and Aisha) are vanity projects, as indeed are many Bollywood movies- but hers especially, all designed to do little more than acquire/ show off a fabulous wardrobe.
    They are chick flicks (how I hate that term!), but more in the SATC 2 mould, than say, I don’t know, Legally Blonde or Bridget Jones.

     
  14. pitu

    July 24, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Pity Punit Malhotra with his big KJo budget and his fancy schmancy sets and stuff couldn’t make a movie half as entertaining as your listicle! I was so mad I sent a nasty tweet to aforementioned lazyass director about how crapola his flick was. Man, as if the lack of a coherant story didn’t suck enough, the constant ( and I do mean *constant*) spoofage was just too horrid.

    Eugh! I like Sonam-Imran just fine but these two need to clean up their act. Sawariya/Dilli6/Luck/Kidnap/IHLS- bad, bad track record. Just 1 good film between the two of them- Jane Tu Ya Jane Na!

     
  15. CheeC

    December 25, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Hey, I finally caught this movie on DVD last weekend and think it warrants every bit of snark in your review…It was cliched beyond belief. The expressionless of Jai (as Br also pointed out) was so off-putting, not to mention the general lame-assness of the premise.

    The few things that I liked though, were a) the bar scene where he breaks out into an impromptu “my wife is pregnant and I want to ask her to dance” to lighten her mood, b) the “second fiddle” who wasn’t a complete jerk (as is the norm in movies ranging from Pardes to DCH to Ajab Prem…but more work needs to be done in that dept though, if romcoms want to show the girl REALLY being torn between the two boys in any believable fashion — speaking of which, I’d love for you and Beth to explore, in an upcoming MZ, Bolly movies where this aspect is indeed achieved effectively), and c) “This is not a love story, it’s a saga” tagline of Pyaar Pyaar Pyaar.

    Circling back to your listicle above:

    #6: Guys, I tell ya. They never learn from one another’s mistakes, argh!

    #9: Girls, I tell ya. They never learn from one another’s mistakes, argh!
    :-P

     
    • CheeC

      December 27, 2010 at 4:39 am

      ’tis too late in the season to say “these are a few of my favorite things,” I know, but adding to my list above, nonetheless: d)The scene when the director asks him to sprinkle exactly 4 drops of water on fictional heroine’s cheek during a song shooting, e) the scene Jay walks off all confused and mixed re his feelings for Simran; in essence he is lost…and they show him stop and stare at a poster of, well, Lost…in blue.

       
 
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